There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.
~Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith),
on Downton Abbey~
Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"
After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.
Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.
As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"
It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn’t it nice to be here when we’re not being convicted of something?"
A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.
"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."
"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"
On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.
"Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."
Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."
I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.
"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days."
"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."
"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."
Scene: My checkout line at the supermarket.
Me: Paper or plastic?
Customer: I’d like double-bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible.
Customer: In case you’re wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it’s my turn to pick up the groceries.
Customer: It’s also her turn to unload the car.
One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds."
"If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?" asked the second friend.
"I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first."
I was a mess. My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My husband did his best to be supportive: "You’re a great artist," "You’re a wonderful equestrian," "You’re the most beautiful woman I know."
One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. "How do I cheer up a horse?" I asked.
He shared his secret: "Tell her she’s good at stuff and that she looks beautiful."
While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help.
"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’"
"Monogamy," he answered.
A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away?" he asked his friend.
"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."
"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!"
A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while.
"I forgot your phone number," he said.
"You could’ve looked it up in the phone book."
"I didn’t know what name to look under."
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."
That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.
"It’s late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?"
"Might as well," says Harry. "I’ll get in trouble if I go home."
My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.
"Oh, we’ve been married ten years," I said.
"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."
Good morning everyboomie. It's the WEEKEND!!!
It's been a very wet week for us. Not a lot of rain Thursday and Friday, but plenty of humidity.
Saturday and Sunday may be humid,but only 10 or 20% chance of rain.
I need my yard to dry up so I can mow it. It's hard to mow through 2 or 3 inches of water.
That's about it for my weekend plans.
Awww the simple life. I feel like I'm in Green Acres.
Have a happy day everyone.