Fractured Fairy Tales
• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end.
As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet.
"What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh.
He mumbled back, "I got married."
Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to "Reason for visit?" he wrote, "My wife made me."
My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband: "Move."
It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face. "My, you’re pretty!" he said. "Have I asked you to marry me yet?"
"No, you haven’t," I gushed.
"Good. Because I couldn’t put up with this every morning."
When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man.
"I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man," my father said.
My mother mumbled, "I did."
Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, "Mmm … that Vicks smells good."
I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"
Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What’s a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.
Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again. My brother, in the throes of planning his wedding, muttered, "Me too."
I turned to my father one night and said, "It’s amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?" He replied, "I can’t drive."
My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"
"That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."
I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. "Look," I said to my wife. "What I’ve always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat."
"Get it," she said. "Then you’ll have an excuse for when you miss."
The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she’s there."
My husband is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read "The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!"
My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon.
"It’s a term of endearment," I explained.
My husband mumbled, "After more than 40 years, it’s a term of endurement."
Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. "I’m renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress, and I’ve reserved a table at the most expensive restaurant in town," she said.
Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. "I didn’t spend that much on my wedding."
My friend answered, "I could have three or four weddings. But a prom you do only once."
An item on craigslist: "Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $100. If she’s not home, $30."
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Sunday morning lazy Joe's big D!
I'm almost too lazy to breath this morning. Almost....
Saturday morning I went to Walmart. It was against my better judgement, but I never let that interfere with my plans.
Later on I mowed my yard.........also against my better judgement, but it was actually the best time to get it done. It was cloudy, breezy, and on the cooler side of the 70s.
The temps are going up into the 80s for Sunday.
I hope everyone has a super Sunday.