Fractured Fairy Tales• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”?
~Ricky Gervais~
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Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights." I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights."
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The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."
"That’s okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."
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How come married women are heavier than single women?
A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the fridge.
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As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband: "Move."
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‘If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I’m in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It’s all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It’s new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She’s left-handed."
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When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty.
"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."
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En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. "Relatives?" he asked my mother.
Not taking the bait, she responded, "Yeah, through marriage."
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Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label.
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can’t believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You’re smarter already."
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Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"
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I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.
"Don’t bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn’t have gone anywhere near it."
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There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. "Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?" I asked.
"What’s the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."
"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."
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My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."
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My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.
"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.
I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."
"In that case," she said, "I’ll play myself."
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An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
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When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. "That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’ " he said. "And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for $798,000."
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On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife’s favorite flower?"
David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."
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Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings.
This concept was not lost on one bright boy who knew what those differences were:
"When people marry more than once, it’s called polygamy. But when people marry only once, it’s called monotony."
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My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.
When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It’s okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."
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A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.
When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That’d be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I’m taking out the trash."
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Good Monday Moaning everyboomie.
I'm here to weave another thread into the great Gameboomer quilt for you all to enjoy...........................hopefully.
We had a spectacular Sunday. It was nice and sunny, breezy, and did I say nice?
After I got around to doing anything, I took Missy parking, and then I made my semi-monthly trip to the truck wash and cleaned my car.
No wait, that's not right. I made a trip to the car wash and cleaned my truck. Yeah that's better.
Although I suppose you can technically call it a truck wash if you want.............and I do.
We have Beau here with us tonight. My friend called and told me she's been sick, and her Mom and sister are taking her to the hospital, and ask me to go pick up Beau.
She has complications from diabetes,
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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A Happy Monday wished for everyone! 
