Fractured Fairy Tales• Cinderella’s
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• Old McDonald was dyslexic,
I-E-I-E-O. —
~Billy Connolly~
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For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes," I replied. "It’s our honeymoon."
"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.
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Nancy was Catholic, but her fiancé, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."
Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don’t understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"
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One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can’t forget the date."
A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."
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The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."
"That’s okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."
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Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden’s mighty upset about it too."
"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"
"No. Because they eloped."
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I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene.
"I have to go," I told my wife. "Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore."
As I dashed out the door, she called, "While you’re there, pick up some big cardboard boxes."
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At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband’s sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine-conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a "bug" planted by the conspiracy defendants.
The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.
"We’re not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays ‘Jingle Bells.’ "
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Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said, "You’re not going down there by yourself at this hour."
Just as I was thinking, How thoughtful of him, he added, "Better take the dog with you."
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The lawyer I work for specializes in divorce cases, so I was a little surprised to get a call from a prisoner serving life for murdering his wife. My boss was surprised too.
"What does he need me for?" he asked. "He appears to have solved all his marital problems by himself."
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Enclosed with the heartworm pills my friend received from a veterinarian was a sheet of red heart stickers to place on a calendar as a reminder to give her pet the medication. She attached these stickers to her kitchen calendar, marking the first Saturday of every month. When her husband noticed the hearts, he grinned from ear to ear, turned to his wife and asked, “Do you have something special in mind for these days?”
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Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancée home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. "She would say that," Jeff interjected. "She’s not the type to say no."
"I see," my husband said after a brief silence. "And that explains the engagement."
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A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they’re together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations.
"Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn’t work out if one of us didn’t have a good disposition."
"Which one?" we asked.
"Oh," she laughed, "we take turns."
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I was about to leave the house on an errand, and my husband was getting ready for a dental appointment. "I wish we could trade places," I said, knowing how much he dreaded the coming ordeal.
He watched as I gathered our newborn onto my left arm and picked up a package with that hand. I flung a diaper bag and my purse over my right shoulder, grabbed our two-year-old with my free hand and wrestled the car keys from him.
My husband shook his head. "No, thanks," he said. "At least where I’m going they give you anesthesia."
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After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: "I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer."
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Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."
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During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant "Give me a kiss." Two taps meant "No." Three taps meant "Yes"—and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
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For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I climbed back in the boat; so did he.
I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I’m the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn’t get out until you did."
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One evening my husband’s golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
Later that night my husband’s friend and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
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My granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.’ "
Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. "She’s probably right," he said.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I can't believe it's only Tuesday. Seems like yesterday it was only Monday.
Please pardon my dementia.
We had a pretty nice day here today, and the dogs enjoyed taking me for a walk or two.
I did a little bit of yard work, and then I did some exercising. I'm ashamed to say I haven't done any exercising in about 2 months.
I'm getting lazy. Maybe that's why I have dementia. I'm too lazy to remember anything.
My friend Shane called today, he wants to come down from Tulsa in a couple of weeks so we can go head hunting at the creek.
It's probably been about a year since he last came down.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Wishing you all a Great Day! 
for the coffee Gerry