Fractured Fairy Tales• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was. —
~@andrewhibbard~
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
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My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead," I said.
She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied.
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A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying, "This doesn’t feel so bad."
The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
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My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.
When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It’s okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."
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Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things, saying boldly, "After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you’ll love the third one like it’s your own!"
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I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively.
"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."
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A Connecticut chap, an incorrigible practical joker, often makes his long-suffering wife the butt of his painful pranks. But last fall she finally got her chance to even the score. The couple were spending the weekend in a New York hotel. It was a hot night, and when they got back to their room after the theater, the husband peeled off his clothes and stretched out on the bed to cool off. By the time his wife was ready for bed, he was fast asleep and she decided not to disturb him.
Some hours later, he woke up and groped his way in the dark toward the bathroom. By mistake he opened the outside door and, still groggy, was halfway down the hall before he became aware of his predicament. He turned back hastily. Then, to his horror, he realized that he was not only locked out but had forgotten his room number.
Frantic, he rushed to the elevator bank, pressed the button and hid around the corner. When the elevator arrived, he thrust out his arm and beckoned wildly. The operator took one look, slammed the elevator door and went for the house detective.
When the detective arrived, he found the unfortunate guest cowering in a corner. He gave him a sheet from the linen closet, called the desk to check his assertion that he was registered at the hotel with his wife and escorted him to his room.
Pounding on the door until the wife opened it, the detective said, “This man claims to be your husband. Is he?”
For a moment she stared at the sheet-draped figure; then she said icily, “I’ve never seen him before in my life.”
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Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.
I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.
“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”
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While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband’s deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."
"Shh, not now," she replies.
"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.
"Yes, I know," she replies.
"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "
"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."
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Pregnant with our second child, I was determined to ride my exercise bike at least two miles a day. Late one night, having put it off all day, I climbed aboard the noisy contraption in our bedroom, where my husband was reading a book.
After about 20 minutes of listening to the squeaky machine, he glanced up, somewhat annoyed. "Don’t you think it’s time you turned around and headed for home?" he asked.
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Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.
"Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It’s supposed to."
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My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"
"That’s up to you," I replied. "There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
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My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
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As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. "What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut the grass dressed like this?" I asked.
Giving me a casual glance, she replied, "They’d say I married you for your money."
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To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. "That’s a long time," I observed.
"A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred to me."
"What’s that?"
"If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I’d be out of jail by now."
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My mother and I were having a mother-daughter talk about the qualities to look for in a husband. She stressed that husband and wife should be as much alike as possible in interests and backgrounds. I brought up the point that opposites often attract.
“Diane,” she said emphatically, “just being man and woman is opposite enough.”
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When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."
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Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
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As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. "Let’s renew our commitment to do it three times a week," I said.
"Absolutely," my husband agreed, "three times as a minimum."
"And no whining," I said. "No excuses."
"No, we’ll do it with energy and enthusiasm."
"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."
"The gym?" my husband said, crestfallen. "I thought we were talking about sex!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Mid week is here.
Had a peachy day down here in Okieville. Took the dogs parking. Can't really remember doing much of anything else.
I haven't heard from my friend today, so I still have Beau.
I think she's ok, they just have to regulate her heart rate. It was too low. I told her to find an old man to chase up and down the halls.
Actually it would have to be an old woman. Oops.......
We were 80s today, 75 for tomorrow, and then were back into the 60s for a few days.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Hope everyone has a Great day! 
