Fractured Fairy Tales• My wife said she wanted
a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —
~@tonycowards~
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Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in the garage. She explained that she wanted a stationary one.
"Your bicycle has been stationary," I remarked. "That’s why you need to lose ten pounds."
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A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she’d polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.
"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.
"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."
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A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
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Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."
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My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.
Weeks later I asked how it was going. “I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”
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I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, my pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by my husband.
One day I told him, "I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!"
He replied, "I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who’s pregnant!"
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Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.
Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?"
"One," she retorted.
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At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied. "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I’m requesting."
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In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a man and woman of different faiths. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony. In unison they proclaimed the couple husband and wife.
Afterward, a man was overheard congratulating the father of the bride. “Fifty years ago this could not have happened.”
“No,” replied the father. “Religion has come a long way.”
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While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver. "It was my wife’s idea," I explained to the grizzled salesman at the counter. "She’s buying it for me as a gift."
"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order. "My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."
“Religion! Who’s talking about religion? I mean a cattleman’s daughter marrying a sheepman’s son.”
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I think my wife’s going deaf," Joe told their doctor.
"Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment," the doctor said.
So that evening, when his wife was preparing dinner, Joe stood 15 feet behind her and said, "What’s for dinner, honey?"
No response.
He moved to ten feet behind her and asked again.
No response.
Then he stood five feet in back of her and tried again but still got no answer. Finally, he stood directly behind her and asked, "Honey, what’s for supper?"
She turned around. "For the fourth time—I said chicken!"
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A hairdressing client of mine told me of her husband’s recovery after having double bypass heart surgery. She had recounted the doctor’s orders to her husband, saying, "In six weeks you’ll be able to walk up two flights of stairs, lift 20 pounds, and you can resume normal sexual activity."
Her husband responded, "If I’d known about the sex, I would’ve had the surgery a long time ago!"
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After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "now you’re speaking to me."
He looked confused. ‘What are you talking about?"
"Haven’t you noticed I haven’t spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said. "I just thought we were getting along."
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I realized that the ups and downs of the stock market had become too big a part of our life one night as my husband and I prepared for bed. As we slid beneath the covers, I snuggled up to him and told him I loved him.
Drifting off to sleep, he drowsily whispered back, "Your dividend growth fund went up three days this week."
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After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father’s date of birth?" she asked. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?"
"No, I hadn’t thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
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One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."
The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.
After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. "You’ve got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home."
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My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. "I don’t know what you’ve brought in," she said, "but I can’t seem to get this out."
He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.
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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.
"With this ring…" I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
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My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed out and bought it for him as a gift.
That evening as we were watching television, the same commercial came on. Slyly I glanced over at my husband just as he commented, "What kind of idiot would pay $42 for a baseball?"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Man oh man! Day before yesterday I did some squat thrust exercises. Yesterday I got up and could barely walk. I could not bend over and pick something off the floor unless I went down on one knee, and that was something I had to do very gingerly.
Today is not a lot better than yesterday. Every time I get up from the couch I scream in pain, and the dogs and bird give me funny looks.
I knew I would be sore, but sheesh!
This morning I awoke to thunder, and we had storms all day long, which I was not really expecting. I thought we had chances for storms tonight.
So today wasn't good for much except gaming........shucks!
I did have problems though with some of my games that I thought would play on Windows 10, but didn't.
We never got out of the 60s today, and Thursday is supposed to be more of the same. Not sure what I'll be doing.
Whatever your day brings, have a happy one.
joe
acebook
witter
Have a great Day everyone! 
