“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”
~Josh Billings~
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One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
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After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
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Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
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A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
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E-mail Addresses It Would Be Annoying To Give Out Loud
MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com
MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com
Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com
AAAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com
1OneTheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com
Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net
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Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
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A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.
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While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back
in 20 minutes. The woman asked,
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
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It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
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At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in
our wall.”
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
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Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.
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When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
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The black lacquer stand
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as
before but with this appended to
his note: “Nice swords.”
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I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
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I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get
a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
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I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
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Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley
Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the Tuesday Surprise diner.
What's the surprise you ask?
If I knew, it wouldn't be a surprise would it?
I just expect a surprise today. Hopefully a happy one.
Maybe it'll come from one of you guys.
I did manage to get the lawn mowed today. I was only going to mow inside the fence because outside the fence is still soggy in places, but I'm kind of compulsive, so I mowed it all.
I need to run my weedeater tomorrow.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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