“Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made and forgot to put a soul into.”
~ Henry Ward Beecher~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honest Brand SlogansHallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by
a corporation.”
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
~~~~
Don’t get upset if I ask you
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
~~~~
Just before the final exam in
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade
I would need to get on the exam
to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
~~~~
I’m trying to get into classical
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
~~~~
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
~~~~
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
~~~~
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
~~~~
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
~~~~
I spend three minutes every
day choosing a TV channel
to leave on for my dog. Then
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
~~~~
Librarians may be shy, but
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal
a cactus from somebody’s yard.
A patron wanted me to find a
book to teach her dog German.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.
~~~~
When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”
“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”
After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”
“Yes, I did.”
The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.
~~~~
Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …
… to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.
… to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.
… to be a Nobel Prize winner.
… to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.
… he was fired “on accident.”
~~~~
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do
Web design.
Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make
a Facebook profile. He means to
remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
~~~~
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need
to get back to work now; you have
a has-been to support.”
~~~~
These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!
Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on
a chair in place of a closet or dresser.
Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.
Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to
a text.
Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.
~~~~
My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as
I answer the phone “Hello?”
~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Your very Unkeyboardinated diner host here.
Also known as a four-fingered pecker.
We had a beautiful day here. Taking Missy parking was about the extent of my efforts though.
I got some bad news first thing this morning that cast a shadow over my whole day.
The body shop texted me this morning to let me know that my truck is scheduled to be complete at the end of
NEXT WEEK!!! 
Bummer! I guess it will be all the sweeter when I finally do get it back. I was just hoping that it would be sooner.
A body man here in town told me the aluminum fenders take more work to repair.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
