“If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.”
~Doug Larsen~
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread
Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!
Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/
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Sick of having to go to two
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
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The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
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Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
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Triscuit is the perfect
combination of cracker and doormat.
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Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up
oatmeal cookies before noon?”
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I’m driving with this guy, and
he runs right through a Stop sign. So
I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”
He says, “My brother might be coming.”
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My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
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Dear Charlie,
We’ve been neighbors for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.
Cordially, Harry
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.
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How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
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I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two
police officers and a psychiatrist.
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The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”
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Here’s a guide to American
culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:
“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”
“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.”
“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy,
and no more.”
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The food at the sandwich shop
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”
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I’d rather spend ten minutes
rearranging the dishwasher to
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
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An ad for a hedge clipper that
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”
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My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”
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I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my
first child.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Lets see, we're over the hump for this week. Two more days till the next weekend is upon us.
We're having warmer and warmer days over here. When we're in upper 80s, I start to shy away from spending much time outside.
Today I started desperately looking for another project to do inside.
I want to redo my deck in the back, but not right now.
It will probably have something to do with new flooring. I want to do both bathrooms, and my kitchen......whenever I decide to spend the dough.
In the mean time, my buddy Shane has cancelled out for coming down this weekend to head hunt. We are scheduled to have serious storms for Saturday.
Bad scheduling if you ask me.
I may just drive out to the sod farm in the morning. I'm sure it's all dried out. Maybe I can scrape something up.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
