A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
"How do you spell toad?" one of my first-grade students asked.
"We just read a story about a toad," I said, then helped him spell it out: "T-O-A-D."
Satisfied, he finished writing the story he’d begun, then read it aloud: "I toad my mama I wanted a dog for my birthday."
A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. "And how are the American students, Donald?" she asked.
"They’re so noisy," he complained. "One neighbor endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night."
"How do you put up with it?"
"I just ignore them and play my bagpipes."
During my eighth-grade sex education class, no one could answer the question "What happens to a young woman during puberty?" So I rephrased it: "What happens to young women as they mature?"
One student answered: "They start to carry a purse."
Question on second-grade math quiz: "Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice. Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice. Emily drank more. Explain."
My grandson’s answer: "She was more thirsty."
At a planning meeting at my college, I congratulated a colleague on producing some superb student-guidance notes explaining how to combat plagiarism.
"How long did it take you to write them?" I asked.
"Not long," he said. "I copied them from another university’s website."
When my summer teaching post in the Czech Republic came to an end, I told my students my next teaching destination would be in Australia, "the land down under." On my final day, they presented me with a card. The carefully worded note read "Good luck, and happy journey to the underworld."
During a lecture on the influence of media on teens, a typo in the PowerPoint presentation revealed the professor’s true opinion. The title read “Three Reasons Teens Are Vulnerable Toads.”
Found in a heap of recycled files donated to our school was this curiously labeled folder: "Excuses I Have Used."
There was a typo on a test I was taking. Instead of "(D) none of the above," it said "(D) one of the above." So I circled it.
Seen outside a professor’s door at Georgetown College: "Psychology 376: Dying, Grieving, and Coping. Take for your major or minor, or as a fun elective."
Our school had just installed a new air-conditioning system, and a representative from the company wanted to make sure it was running smoothly. Poking his head into an empty classroom, he asked the teacher, "Any little problems here?"
"No," she said, smiling. "All our little problems have gone home."
Discovered: why our nation’s education system is in trouble. When a friend delivered 20 new math books to a teacher’s classroom, the teacher exclaimed, "Oh, shoot! I was hoping it was something I could use."
My son, a high school senior, went to take a national literacy test recently. A sign on the classroom door read "Literacy Testing in Progress: Do Not Distrub!"
Teacher: What is an evangelist?
Student: Someone who plays the evangelo.
Teacher: Why can’t freshwater fish live in salt water?
Student: The salt would give them high blood pressure.
Teacher: Mira went to the library at 5:15 and left at 6:45. How long was Mira at the library?
Student: Not long.
For 98 percent of the students at the school where my wife teaches, English is a second language. But that didn’t stop them from giving her Christmas cards. Still, their enthusiasm for the occasion sometimes exceeded their grasp of English. Among the many cards that flooded her desk were: "Happy Birthday, Grandma," "Get Well Soon," and "Congratulations on Passing Your Driving Test!"
Good morning everyboomie.
We haven't had but a little bit of rain today, so I started re-flooring the other bathroom.
Now I'm completely pooped out. My hands are killing me. I rubbed skin off of my knee crawling around. My back hurts, and I'm not even finished.
I'll finish it up in the morning if I can move.
Have a great day everyone.