Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie.
~David Mamet~
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For years my sister’s husband tried unsuccessfully to persuade her to get a hearing aid. "How much do they cost?" she asked one day after he had pitched the idea to her again.
"They’re usually about $3,000," he said.
"Okay, well, if you say something worth $3,000," she replied, "I’ll get one."
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Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife’s 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 50 years old.
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It’s not that great."
~~~~
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I’ve already done that," replied my friend. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I’m going to get younger?"
~~~~
After a shopping expedition, my friend Gina and I stopped in a local bar for a drink. We hadn’t been seated long when she leaned over and said that four young men at the next table were watching us. Since we’re both thirty-something, married with children, we found the situation flattering. We sat a little straighter and tried to look slimmer and younger.
In a few minutes, one of the men got up and came toward our table. "Excuse me," he said. Then he reached over our heads to turn up the volume on the televised ball game.
~~~~
I was turning 40 and decided to celebrate by fulfilling my longtime dream to go sky-diving. Before the jump, my mother and I spent the day at a festival, where we bumped into two of my cousins. They inquired about my upcoming birthday, and when I told them about my jump from 10,000 feet, I could tell they were a bit mystified.
Finally one of them remarked, "Why don’t you just get your breasts done like everyone else?"
~~~~
Now that I’m over 40, younger teammates have begun to tease me about my declining abilities as a softball player. During one game, I was playing third base when a batter ripped a shot over my head. I leapt as high as I could, but the ball tipped off the end of my glove and fell safely for a hit.
At the end of the inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder caught up with me. "That much!" he called, holding his thumb and forefinger a couple of inches apart.
"I know," I replied. "I almost had it."
"No," he said. "I mean that’s how far you got off the ground."
~~~~
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she said.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You’re thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
~~~~
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.
"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," he said optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over."
~~~~
Our dear friend Trudy attended my husband’s birthday party. Though she’s been through a lot—including a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery—Trudy was the life of the party as usual. Hugging her good-bye, I couldn’t help noticing she had nothing on under her blouse.
"Trudy, you’re not wearing a bra!" I whispered.
With a twinkle in her eye she replied, "I may be 70, honey, but they’re only 15."
~~~~
We invited some old friends to help celebrate my 40th birthday. My husband went out to buy a gift, and he saw some cute little music boxes. A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday to You." Thinking they were all the same, he picked up a red one and asked the clerk to have it gift-wrapped.
When we sat down to dinner, he gave it to me, asked me to open it and— surprise—out came the tune to "The old gray mare, she ain’t what she used to be."
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I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"
He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."
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For my grandmother’s 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.
"It’s my passport picture," she revealed.
"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"
"Walgreens," she replied.
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My hearing had gotten worse, and ultimately I was faced with a decision: buy a pontoon boat, which I could enjoy all summer, or get a hearing aid. The choice was obvious—to me at least. However, my sisters did not approve of the boat.
One day during lunch with them, I was having trouble following the conversation. Finally I leaned over to one of my sisters and asked what had just been said.
"You should have brought along your pontoon boat," she replied
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My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old’s shoes. That’s when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband’s head.
He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband’s murmured reply: "Not physically."
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My 20th high-school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school’s tenth-year reunion was taking place. While my friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered.
After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don’t mind us. We just wanted to see how we’d look in another ten years."
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Jim, my 40-something husband, was playing basketball with friends his age. "Pretty soon," said one of his teammates, "we’ll have to count it as a basket if the ball just hits the rim."
"Yeah," Jim agreed. "It’s scary when you have to look through the bottom part of your bifocals to shoot layups and the top part on jump shots."
~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It is FRIDAY!!!!! Again.....
I've got no plans for the weekend. Just trying to get my kitchen floor done, and ready to throw in the towel on this project. I started laying the floor,and after laying 6 rows of planks I'm hitting a snag. I think I have a high spot which is keeping the planks from locking and laying down.
I'm about ready to call in a professional. This job is nothing like doing the bathrooms.
Will asses it again tomorrow after my appointment.
I have to shut it down and get to bed early tonight so I can be at the VA by 7:30 in the morning.
I hope you're all ready for the weekend.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Enjoy your day everyone! 
How was your VA visit...good I hope!