People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
~Joan Rivers~
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Two fraud men go up to 20 blind men and say "Do you want to go on holiday?"
The blind men reply "yeah of course" So the blind men give the fraud men $2000 each.
The fraud men drive them up to Blackpool and put them on the beach, and then go to the pub.
Whilst there they think that the blind men are going to get bored. So they buy them a ball and give it to them.
The blind men go "Whats this?" "Its a ball," replies one of the fraud men "Well we cant see it!"
The fraud men think what we gonna do now?
They spot a donkey with bells round its neck, so they go and buy some bells and wrap them round the ball, and then go back the pub.
Just then an old woman walks in and says "I tell you what the world today is totally mental"
"Why do you say that?" ask the fraud men.
"Because there are 20 blind men kicking a poor donkey on the beach!"
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One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve.
The other organ is called a [blip]. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
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Why did the martian throw beef on the asteroid? He wanted it a little meaty-or.
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What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
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Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
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What is the definition of "accountant"?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
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Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
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Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
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What's an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.
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What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
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What's the difference between the male sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
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You Might Be An Accountant If:
you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".
you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
while watching the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".
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Why can't brunettes "tease" their hair?
Because it's not funny.
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What do you call picking up a brunette from a bar?
Brown-Bagging it.
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What do brunettes look forward to later on in life?
Grey Hair
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What's the difference between a light bulb and a brunette?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
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Did you hear about the brunette that put Odor Eaters in her shoes?
She took two steps and disappeared.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Hump Day to you all.
I don't have anything on tap for today, or the rest of the Summer for that matter.
I mowed my lawn Monday afternoon, and I thought that I would go out and trim with my weedeater Tuesday, but that didn't happen.
I doubt I'll do it today either, unless I can get myself up much earlier.
I think I'll just pencil it in on my busy schedule for November 15th.
That seems like as good a day as any to do it.
Have a super happy Hump Day everyone.
joe
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