Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.
~Craig Ferguson~
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
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Joke about going home from work
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My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
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Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
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The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
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Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
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When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
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My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
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My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
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Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
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I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
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What do ya call a french man wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
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A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
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Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
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Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
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When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
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How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
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And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.
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What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.
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I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!
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What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
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Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
It doesn't look a bit different from Tuesday. That's insane.
You know if you keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results that's the definition of insanity.
I think the weather should sit up and pay attention, and learn to change things up a little.
Otherwise the temperature is going to keep going up and my temper is going to keep doing the same.
.
Actually we have not broken the 100 degree mark yet, and our high temperatures are staying below 95.......so far. Not bad for the 4th of July.
I spend a whole lot of time now playing my games. Really enjoying Lara Croft.
Have a safe happy day everyone.
Mrs Mary it's real nice seeing you in the diner again.
joe
acebook
witter
Have a Great Hump Day all! 
