Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
~Dennis Wholey ~
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Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
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The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, 'gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ...'
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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."
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A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."
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A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
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This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dinning table and eat our dinner!"
As they sat at the dinning table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"
The husband says, " That is because you have your boobs in the soup!"
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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Deer Hunter
A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
>The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's a**hole!"
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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
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A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
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Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: So people won't think I am beating you.
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Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny....."
"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
"Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!"
"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny......"
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A woman gives birth to a baby..... Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a [blip]...
AND a brain???"
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Good morning everybooomie.
Another day, another few hours till bedtime.
Man oh man after I've had my dinner, and my shower, and I'm sitting here with my warm laptop in my lap, I start getting very sleepy.
This also happens to me right after breakfast and lunch.
Another reason I'm excited about bedtime is that I try very hard not to eat anything after 4:00 or 4:30, so I'm usually starving and really looking forward to breakfast.
Funny thing is, I'm usually not that hungry when I wake up.
It doesn't take long for it to catch up with me though.
I went to Lowe's today, and then visited my friend and brought Beau home with me and Missy.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
on bringing home Beau! Fun for you and Missy! 
Happy Day wished for everyone! 
Joe, you have a happy day with Beau & Missy and thanks for the humor it's a great way to start the day with a smile
