By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
~Charles Wadsworth~
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A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
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Q: Why did the mathbook kill himself?
A: Because nobody understood him.
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why is 6 afraid of 7?
-because 7 ate 9!!!!
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Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation ?
He had to work it out with a pencil......
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One day, two thieves stole a bunch of money from a house.
First thief: Let us count the money we have stolen.
Second thief: Let's leave, why waste our time counting it now. We can see in the newspaper, tomorrow.
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Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?
Student: Miss horizontally or vertically?
Teacher: What do mean?
Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.
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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
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A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."
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A boy speeding on road.
Guard stops him and ask, "Did you see the speed limit sign?"
The boy says, "Yea, I just didnt see you."
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4 men were stranded in a desert.
Suddenly, 1 of them died.
The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.
The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."
The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"
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Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and chips !
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Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
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If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
- the rest of your life...
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:
"Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Notice I wake up moaning every morning now?
Had a really good reason this morning though. I worked out yesterday for the first time in a couple of weeks.
This morning my legs hurt. They're so weak I can't even carry a tune.
If life is a bowl of cherries, then getting old is the pits.
Have a cherry everyone, and have a pitiful day.
I'm kidding. Have a happy day y'all.
joe
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Happy "Moaning" Hump Day to everyone! 
