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****T*G*I*F**** #1193917
08/15/19 06:44 PM
08/15/19 06:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

~Abraham Lincoln ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
~~~~

How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris?

Don't know...its never been done.
~~~~

One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
~~~~

Two politicians are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying."
The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."
~~~~

Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.
~~~~

A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
~~~~

God created Earth and heaven, the rest was made in China.
~~~~

Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast. They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes. Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped. Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped. Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped. The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said "Why? We can both jump." "How is that?" said the monk. the boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!!!"
~~~~

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
~~~~

Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.
~~~~

A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs:
"Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no..... a 100 cases of vodka and no one to drink them!"
~~~~

What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist?
The optimist studies English.
The pessimist studies Chinese.
The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.
~~~~

One sunny day in February, 2016 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again,just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said,"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
~~~~

Caller: Dials in 911 Hello officer, I broke my arm in 3 places!
Officer: Then stop going to those places.
~~~~

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk. "Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise old father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"
~~~~

An old blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go. "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground", he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered, "Oh that? The dog's leash goes slack!"
~~~~

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several old monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
~~~~

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your ass!!" "Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "Ya’ll better thank your lucky stars that I cain't swim either or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!" This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge. Finally, Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence’s ass. Well, there's the bridge... go git em." Rufus thought for a moment, chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's ass!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up... turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed!! "Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" "I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered. "Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?" "Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge... walked halfway over the bridge… looked up..." "And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense. "And," continued Rufus, "I sawed a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches." He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"
~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave2


It's FRIDAY!!!! joy


I am so looking forward to staying inside and gaming all day. lol


I was thinking about that Lincoln quote, We're all time travelers aren't we? yes


I'm actually from the year 1951.........I just can't figure out how to get back. razz


More importantly I want to know how to go back, without going all the way. grin


About 30 years should suffice. thumbsup


"***TAXI***" car


Have a happy day everyone. woot


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: ****T*G*I*F**** [Re: gymcandy1] #1193929
08/15/19 08:18 PM
08/15/19 08:18 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 7,402
marietta,georgia
family Offline
BAAG Specialist
family  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 7,402
marietta,georgia
watching court shows and grocery shopping.

Re: ****T*G*I*F**** [Re: gymcandy1] #1193934
08/15/19 09:16 PM
08/15/19 09:16 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
Hey Joe, I get to stay inside all day too ... but to work ... have a great day!

Family, enjoy your shows and grocery shopping

I'm off to a T.G.I.F. workday ... the best kind I am thinking yes

Gerry, I'll have a tall dark roast to go with a danish from Connie.

L4L hearts

Have a wonderful day Joe Ana Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L and anyone else who pops in to say hi wave2


Dan
...
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music Stay Smart & Stay Safe
Re: ****T*G*I*F**** [Re: gymcandy1] #1193935
08/15/19 09:50 PM
08/15/19 09:50 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
Joe, enjoy your gaming day!

family, sounds like a good day!

soot, happy Friday!

Have a great day all!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: ****T*G*I*F**** [Re: gymcandy1] #1193946
08/16/19 03:27 AM
08/16/19 03:27 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, soot, family, Ana and everyone. Joe have fun gaming! Family enjoy your shows. Soot your tall dark roast is ready. Ana I wish you a stress free day. Coffee and tea are ready.


wave Have a Great Friday everyone! wave


Gerry
Re: ****T*G*I*F**** [Re: gymcandy1] #1193954
08/16/19 07:01 AM
08/16/19 07:01 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Have a Great TGIF. Purging some more things I no longer use. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Bacon, and French Toast in the NC. summer


Connie
Re: ****T*G*I*F**** [Re: gymcandy1] #1193977
08/16/19 10:16 AM
08/16/19 10:16 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

Hope you all have a great day wavegirl


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: ****T*G*I*F**** [Re: gymcandy1] #1193996
08/16/19 03:46 PM
08/16/19 03:46 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Have a great weekend Boomers. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
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