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Sip and Surf Sunday #1194069
08/17/19 07:07 PM
08/17/19 07:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

~Sydney J. Harris ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
~~~~

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker, the postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED."
~~~~

A middle aged man goes to his regular doctor for his physical and gets sent to a urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99," The guy obeys and says 99." The doctor says, "Great... now turn over on your left side and again, take a deep breath and say 99." Again, the guy says 99. The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly, I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your [blip] to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99." The old geezer says, "One... Two... Three."
~~~~

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation! "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director. Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, "Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?" She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
~~~~

A traveling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him. “Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?” asked the salesman. “Well sonny, I’ll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did.” “Wow, that’s really amazing,” said the salesman, “but I still don’t know why the pig only has one leg.” “Well I’ll tell ya,” said the farmer. “One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!” “Well that’s really great but why does the pig only have one leg?” “Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him all at once.
~~~~

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well, only two left."
~~~~

A millionaire, a hard hat, and an old drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat pours out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the old drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
~~~~

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've never been there before.
~~~~

Jim left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying and playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, the old geezer was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
~~~~

Mahatma Gamdhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
~~~~

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
~~~~

Good morning every Boomie. wave2


If this is Sip and Surf Sunday, then that means.........yesterday was Saturday. razz


That's the best I can muster this morning, but then these days, remembering where I came from is a lot more important to me than knowing where I'm going. think


That probably explains why as soon as I walk into another room, I forget what I went there for. headscratch


Except for the bedroom. I always know why I went in there. sleep


Then again, sometimes when I wake up at 6:00pm, I wonder why I went to bed at 8:00am. rolleyes


You have no idea how frustrating it is when you're standing in the shower, and realize you only needed to pee. hardwall


Have a happy day everyone. yay


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1194070
08/17/19 07:10 PM
08/17/19 07:10 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 7,402
marietta,georgia
family Offline
BAAG Specialist
family  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 7,402
marietta,georgia
cooking bacon and lobster cakes.

Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1194075
08/17/19 09:49 PM
08/17/19 09:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
lol Joe! I'd be taking a lot of showers!

family, I love bacon!!

Have a great day!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1194083
08/18/19 03:46 AM
08/18/19 03:46 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, family, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready.

wave Have a Happy Sunday everyone! wave


Gerry
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1194088
08/18/19 06:58 AM
08/18/19 06:58 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning, have a Wonderful Sunday. Danish, Eggs, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Bacon, Sausage, Biscuits and Gravy, and French Toast in the NC. summer


Connie
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1194091
08/18/19 07:20 AM
08/18/19 07:20 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Thanks for the jokes Joe. Enjoy your Sunday Boomers. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1194098
08/18/19 11:14 AM
08/18/19 11:14 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Super Sunday ya'll puppy

Laundry and bread making on the agenda for the day.

Hope you all have a wonderful day wavegirl


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1194101
08/18/19 12:19 PM
08/18/19 12:19 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
Oh gosh Joe, I've noted my memory doing that more and more ... taken to writing notes I have lol

Family ... Oooooooooooooooo Baconnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Thanks for the coffee Gerry, it hit the spot with a danish from Connie yes

Yes indeed SpaceQF ... Joe's humor is not matched

L4L hearts

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone wave2


Dan
...
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music Stay Smart & Stay Safe
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