Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
~Oscar Wilde~
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Two old geezers, Bill and Bob were shooting the breeze. Bill sez, "You ever made a Freudian slip?" Bob sez, "What's that?" Bill: "Well, I'll give you an example. The other day I was at the airport, and the woman at the airline counter was quite well endowed. I meant to say, 'I'd like two tickets for Pittsburgh. But it came out, 'I'd like two pickets for Tittsburgh.'" Bob: "Ahh, gotcha Bill. That happened to me this morning. My wife and I were having breakfast, and I meant to say, 'Dear, could you please pass the marmalade.' But it came out, 'You old hag, you're ruining my life.'"
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Mick had been in Police work for 35 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00….’ ‘Great’, says Mick, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’ As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’…’ ‘Not a problem’ says Mick. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too..’ ‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’ ‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’ ‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Mick, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’ ‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’
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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" Well, You'll love this one! I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his, DDS, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm ... Or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old wrinkled SOB asked, "What did you teach?"
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"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The little old lady calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as the little old lady was heard to mutter, "Well, fa*rt... that's why no one was at church today."
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An elderly man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician. "They have this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick. You take some pills and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, doctor," exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you. This drug is a miracle. It's wonderful." "Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
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A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches little old Maxine sitting by herself... "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine: "No thank you sir, alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine: "No, they spread."
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came!"
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A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news." "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the elderly patient. The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible," said the old man. "How can the news possibly be worse?" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.” “He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” asks Arthur. “I don’t remember.”
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Good morning everyboomie .
Welcome to the new week!
Just think, we're one day closer to the weekend.
One day closer to Fall is what I'm focused on.
Three more 100+ degree days to go here.
Glad I have lots of deodorant.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Wishing everyone a Super Monday! 
