You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
~Indira Gandhi~
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A mother went to pick up her daughter from elementary school and found her doing handstands against the wall. When they got into the car, the mother said, "Darling, I wish you wouldn't do that because the boys can see your panties." "Okay, mommy," the little girl replied. The next day, the mother noticed her little girls hands looked dirty, so she asked, "You haven't been doing handstands again and letting those boys see your panties, have you?" "Oh no, mummy," the daughter replied. "Honestly! I took them off first."
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Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
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A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"
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Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
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Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!!
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Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."
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A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"
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Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.
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Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
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You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."
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A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"
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For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.
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An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
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A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
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Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?" Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
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Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"
Boss: "Certainly not!"
Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."
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It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the [blip] porridge yet!"
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
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Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!
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Good morning everyboomie.
One down, four to go.
Two down, three to go till I get my laptop. I looked back at my records. I bought the dead laptop 2 years ago in July.
Hopefully the new one will last at least until it's 3rd birthday.
I've lost count of just how many laptops I've bought.
I need a pet sematary for laptops.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have a Great Day Boomers! 
