Movie Quotes
"I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog to."
Which movie??
Everybody got yesterday's quote wrong. Mainly because no one even ventured a guess. That means no one won the new car I was giving away. Too bad. These are not hard folks.
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Aging:
Before middle age - Do not fear!
After middle age - Do not regret!
Well I regret no one telling me THAT sooner.
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Memo: re - Mr Joseph Marsh
Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:
1 June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.
2 July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3 July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
4 July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.
5 September 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6 September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he' d invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
7 September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8 October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
9 December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme tune.
10 December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ' Pick me! Pick me!'
11 December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
And; last, but not least!
12 December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'
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Kids have bad attitude, middle aged men have a crisis, old men have the grumps.
A Funny, Hilarious and Thought-Provoking Draft Letter to Mr David Cameron, Prime Minister, UK
Fixing the Economy
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic
Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
They MUST retire - Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
They MUST buy a new British car - Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed
They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed
They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... And there's your money back in duty/tax.
Instead of playing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy polluters to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or shut them down.
P.S. If more money is needed, have all Members of Parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances. If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
If not, please disregard.
Mr Grumpy
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How to Solve the Problem of Crowded Jails in the UK -
An Idea from Mr Grumpy
Let us put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs et and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, pyjamas and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily 'phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
..... And the criminals?
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt.
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Five Further Funny Thoughts of a Grumpy Old Man
1 'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.'
2 Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
3 Of all my husband's relatives, I like me best.
4 I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
5 If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
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Funny Grumpy Woman
What about grumpy old women? Is this topic a case of gender equality? Or is it a bit like mass murders, women are severely under-represented? This anecdote suggests that women deserve their own category, vindictive old women.
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
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Grumpy Old Men with Their Children
Two men were standing on a street corner, discussing the merits of their teenage sons. "Do you know," remarked the first one, "My son is so thick. I don't think they teach the kids anything useful at school these days."
"Well," replied the other gentleman, "He can't be as bad as mine!"
The discussion continued at length, when suddenly they espied both of the boys coming towards them.
"Listen," said the first man, "I'll prove to you that my son is thicker than yours." "Come here Algie!" The lad duly obeyed his father and asked why he had called him over. "Here's 10p" replied the father, " Go and buy your mother a new fridge from the electrical store!"
The second parent likewise called his son over. "Jasper," he said " here's 50p. Go home on the bus and see if I'm there!" Both boys departed together and met up around the corner. Algie beckoned Jasper to him and whispered in his ear "My dad's really stupid, Jasper," he said, "he has given me 10p to buy my mum a new fridge from the electrical store, and it's Wednesday - early closing day!"
"That's nothing!" replied Jasper, "my old man's worse than that. He gave me 50p to get on the bus and go home to see if he's there. He could have phoned up himself for 10p!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's a new dawn, a new day.........Tuesday, to be specific......in case your dementia is running full throttle this morning.
So, if this is Tuesday then yesterday I ordered another laptop. That means I'm sending this stinker back......
..tomorrow!
Yep....an that's that!
Wishing everyone a happy Tuesday.
How could you not be happy on Tuesday anyway?
joe
acebook
witter
Do I win?? Sorry your computer isn't working out, Joe, did you find a replacement? 
