“In a time of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” –
~George Orwell~
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The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott Williams. What he does is dig things out of his backyard and then send them to the Smithsonian Institute. Scot labels his exhibits with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.
This man really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this letter in mind next time you think you are challenged in your job to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
Smithsonian Institute, 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams,
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled '93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull.' Funny true story - Smithsonian Exhibit
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be 'Malibu Barbie.'
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradict your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
2. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities
Footnote to The Hilarious Story of the Smithsonian Letter
When I discovered that the Barbie Smithsonian letter was an urban myth, it was nearly as devastating as when, aged 7, I realized that Father Christmas was a phoney. As Will and Guy never shy away from the truth, we have to expose the story behind this hilarious hoax.
Just as when you realize Father Christmas is your parent, the whole myth is burst, so investigating the Barbie Smithsonian Exhibit uncovers facts that don't fit with the myth. At first there are small things, there has never been an Antiquities department in the Smithsonian Institute. Furthermore, research reveals that the Smithsonian are fed up of people ringing up seeking to verify the 'Barbie' exhibit which does not exist.
Finally, it has come to our attention that the original prankster is Dr. Harvey Rowe, who conceived the Barbie Smithsonian Letter back in 1994. A few emails to friends started one of the best ever urban myths.~~~~
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One foggy night, a United States Aircraft Carrier was cruising off the coast of Newfoundland and the junior radar operator spotted a light in the gloom. Here is a transcript of what happened next.
The radar operator worked out that a collision was likely unless the other vessel changed its course. So he sent a radio message.
U.S. Aircraft Carrier Radar Officer:
'Please divert your course at least 7 degrees to the south to avoid a collision'.
Back came the reply: 'You must be joking, I recommend you divert your course instead'.
The U.S. Radar Officer referred the matter to his superior officer. And reported the incident as insubordination.
As a result the Captain of the Air Craft Carrier sent a second message. 'I believe that I out rank you, and am giving you a direct order to divert your course now!!!'
Canadian Radio Operator:
'This is a lighthouse. I suggest you take evasive action.'
Footnote to the lighthouse urban myth
This mirthful lighthouse story is an urban myth. Our friend Jackson heard a rumour that the story is discussed at the annual coastguards' convention, where the different versions are compared and scored. Apparently most versions are preposterous because the ship would have visual contact with the lighthouse. However, if you add a fog to your version you gain credibility - at least in the eyes of the lighthouse keepers.
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Here is the situation, Jenny the farmer's wife looks out of her window. What does she see but a bull in a field caught his head in between the bars of a feeder.
Jenny calls the fire brigade. Their siren only makes the bull more agitated. When they appraise the situation they realize they are not equipped to deal with cattle, so they phone for the RSPCA inspector to help free the animal.
Six hefty firemen and the inspector push and pull the beast and eventually they wrestle its head from between the bars.
The bull was, by now, very angry and turned snorting at the men and began to attack them. Fearing for their life, they hide in the animal feeder.
Whereupon the farmer's wife burst into tears of joy followed by tears of laughter.
Jenny was now able to rescue the rescuers. All she did was get the bull's old milk bottle, half fill it with milk, put on the teat, and use it to lead the bull from the animal feeder into the farmyard and close the gate.
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Good morning everyboomie.
How is everyone doing?
We had a mostly sunny day here today, but it got up to like 96 degrees, with a heat index of 104.
Basically when I walk outside it feels like I'm wearing a wet, hot, wool blanket. Ugh!
I decided not to mow the lawn today.
Instead I did some inside chores that were badly needed, like cleaning floors.
I know it's only been 4 to 6 months, but I suddenly realized just how much I enjoy doing this stuff, and how much I missed it.
We still have a string of days in the low 90s the rest of this week, but after that it looks like we are mostly in the 80s, and even an upper 70s day I noticed coming up.
Ana I haven't settled on my next project, or when I'll do it. I really need to get under the house and replace some floor shims. Waiting for cooler weather, obviously.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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