“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” –
~John Lennon~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend.
Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.
~~
I left my phone at home so I borrowed my friend’s to call my girlfriend.
She answered, “Hi, honey!”
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
~~
My wife left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
~~
My Dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice.
Must be why I’m an only child.
~~
I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.
She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”
I said, “No, but he wants to be.”
~~
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.
Guess I won’t be needing those any more.
~~
My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.
I said, “Why are you so upset? It’s just hair. I’m the one who’s got to find a new girlfriend.”
~~
If men call short women “petite”, what do women call short men?
“Friends”.
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I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.
It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.
If you like her, you just ignore your phone.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
It works every time, no worries.
So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning!
But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
~~
I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…
She’s asked me to move out with her.
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I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.
She said yes.
I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”
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My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.
Well, she’s in for a shock.
~~
I have a vegan girlfriend.
Don’t get me wrong, I love her very much. But sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of lettuce.
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My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.
I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.
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Words can’t describe how beautiful my girlfriend is.
But numbers can… 2/10.
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My ex girlfriend invited me to her wedding.
I told her I was busy, but I’d be there next time.
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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
~~
Why did Miss Piggy break up with her boyfriend?
Because he had Kermit-ment issues.
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When someone says, “Excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable” how long are they normally gone?
Two days seems like an awfully long time.
~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend y'all.
Should be a fantastic one over here in Oklahoma. Friday was pretty cool. I mean I don't think we got over 62 degrees. It was just the 20mph winds straight out of the North Pole that put a little bit of a damper on it.
Missy still enjoyed her walks.
No plans here for the weekend. Those are the best ones.
Have yourselves a merry little weekend everyone, and a happy new day.
And don't sing that song to yourself all weekend. It'll drive you crazy.
joe
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