“A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.” –
~Oliver Wendell Holmes~
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Scientists have finally discovered what women really want.
Trouble is, now they’ve changed their minds…
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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly took my eye out.
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I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
He said, “Are you mad at her?”
I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
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An old man and his wife go for a walk through the countryside and they come across a fence where they used to do their courting when they were younger.
Excited by the memories of their younger days, they make love furiously, with arms and legs flailing around all over the place.
When they have finished, the exhausted woman says in a surprised tone of voice, “You know, you never used to have sex with me like that 50 years ago”.
The man replies “Well, that fence wasn’t electric 50 years ago!”
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My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…
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I told my ex I felt like killing her and she said I needed professional help.
So I hired a hitman.
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I’ll never join one of those online dating services.
I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way.
Through alcohol and poor judgement.
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My girlfriend has her own taser.
She’s a real stunner…
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I used to say that sex with my girlfriend was average.
But I was just being mean.
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
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I love to pamper my girlfriend after she’s had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she’s leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that the moment she walks through the door…
the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
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My wife and I bought a water bed recently.
Since then we’ve drifted apart.
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My wife asked me to play doctor with her, so I had her wait two hours outside the bedroom.
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My wife complains that she will not share the same bed as “me and my smelly bum.”
Well, I don’t like him sleeping on the street.
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My wife just told me that in 9 months I’ll have a little surprise!
I can’t wait for Santa to come now… I hope it’s an Xbox.
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I was at a party the other day when I lost my watch.
A bit later I saw a guy standing on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the guy and punched him in the face.
No one does that to a girl.. not on my watch.
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When I see lovers names engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic…
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
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My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
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The other day my wife asked me, “Could you go to the shop for me on the way home from work and buy one pint of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”
When I got home with 6 pints of milk she asked me, “Why did you buy 6 pints of milk?”
I replied, “They had avocados.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
I declare this the weekend/part 3.
What the heck, we're over 3/4 of the way through the year. i think we can relax our itineraries a bit.
Sunday was just a perfect day weather-wise. I took Missy to the park, and then came back and mowed the lawn.......for the last time........this year?
Of course it being football day, I knew I'd have to make a sacrifice in order to finish mowing in time, so I sacrificed my exercising for today. I really hated myself for doing that.
In reference to the Oliver Wendel Holmes quote up there, and in reference to football, I had my mind stretched today. Apparently the Cowboys, being one of the 'better teams in the NFC' are playing the role of the team that elevates the play of their opponents, in order to boost their confidence. Their opponent's confidence.
Their job is not to win games, it's to make the other guys look good.
The Jets had not won a game this year. They had not even scored a touchdown in like their last 17 times inside the red zone. They scored three today.
Yeah, it was very selfish of me to expect the Cowboys to win every game.
But HEY BY GOLLY those Texans sure went into Kansas City and handed the Chiefs their second loss in a big way.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Wishing everyone a Happy Monday! 
