“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” – Aristotle
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My friend is a structural engineer.
He’s always complaining about stress at work.
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I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
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They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.
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I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
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I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…
She’s asked me to move out with her.
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I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
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I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
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I haven't owned a watch for I don't know how long.
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I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter.
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This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"
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I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it.
It was a shitzu...
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I hate Russian dolls - they're so full of themselves.
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A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
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Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Good morning everyboomie.
So good to see you all on a beautiful Sunday morning.
Our Saturday was really nice as expected. I did a lot of walking with Missy, and some home chores, exercising, and then did some gaming.
I finally won the final battle in Rise of the Tomb Raider. It's about time.
I still have to defeat Baba Yaga though.
Have a super sized Sunday everyone.
joe
acebook
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