I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor~
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The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
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I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
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I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
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My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
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How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
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My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
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I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
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Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
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I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
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Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
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My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
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Good morning boys and girls.
Well here I sit all broken-hearted. Came to enjoy a Cowboys game today only to discover the play Monday night. What's worse is that Monday night games are broadcast on ESPN, which I don't have in my line-up.
That means I have to add ESPN to my channel package long enough to watch that one game.
No problem. I did it last year and I'll do it this year.
My friend is bringing Beau out tom orrow to stay with us a few days. I know Missy will be excited.
I did walk today but not as far as yesterday. I walked about 4 miles. I have to develop a habit or routine I can carry through the Winter months so I won't be so sedentary when the weather is bad.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
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Wishing everyone a Peaceful Sunday! 
One afternoon at work (college campus) walking thru a large student walk area saw several campus police chatting, backs to everyone, oblivious to anything else happening. Passed another one and teasingly asked 'how many campus police does it take to...'. He laughed and said it was considered an exercise in comradery and teamwork. Well, ok, if you say so. 
