I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
~ Marie Corelli ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”
“Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”
“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.” He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!”
“Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”
~~~~
Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with.
Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?” “Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.”
And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.
~~~~
Old Max had started out as a diamond cutter, and through hard work and good judgement he finally became the owner of a National chain of jewelry stores. He was wealthy indeed. But now, he lay dying, so he called his wife to his side.
“Hannah,” he began, “I always meant to draw up a will but somehow I never got around to it. So pay close to attention to my last wishes.” “Yes, Max, I am listening,” Hannah wept. “Whatever you want, it will be done.”
“First of all, the business I leave to Harry.” “Oh, no, Max, not to Harry!” his wife protested. “With Harry it’s girl-girls-girls! Leave the business to Jerome. He’s at least reliable and has a good head for figures.” “Alright, let it be Jerome,” sighed the dying man.
“To Harry I leave the stocks and bonds.” “Better you should leave me the stocks and bonds. I would take care he doesn’t squander it on women or cards.” “Very well, in your name I leave the securities."
"The summer house I leave to our sweet Minnie.”
“Minnie!” exclaimed his wife. “What does Minnie need with another summer house? Her husband bought her one last year? Give it to Anna – her husband is a poor man. After all she’s our flesh and blood too.” “Fine! Anna gets the summer house,” he sighed resignedly.
“And to our youngest Abe, I leave the car and the warehouses.” “But Abe already has 2 cars. What does he need with another one? And he wants to be a musician – what would he do with warehouses? Take my advice and give them to Louis.”
That did it! Old Max had taken all he could of his wife’s interference. Raising himself off the pillow and summoning his last ounce of strength, he snapped, “Hannah, you are a good women and have been a fine wife and mother. But listen – who the hell is dying around here – you or me?”
~~~~
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder.
“AHHHH HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken.
“I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on this job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last ten years!”
~~~~
Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last. “Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim. “Please, please,tell me, is there anything I can do for you?” “Well” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.” “You have nothing to worry about Anne” said Jim taking her hand, “I’ve been thinking about that for a long while now already.”
~~~~
Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him. As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell. Why it was his favorite – apple pie!
His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time. “Emily dear,” asked Edward. “Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!”
Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish. A moment later, Emily returned empty handed. “Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward.
“Grandma said it’s not for you” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.
~~~~
My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, “You’re next!”
After a while that got old, so I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
~~~~
Hello everybody. I got a new diner here for you to start on.
Thought you might be ready to enjoy a few new jokes.
I hope the next week is a good one for all Gameboomers.
Have a happy week everyone.
joe
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Hope your weather warms up and you can go out and enjoy! 
Wishing everyone a Bright and Happy Day! 
Wow, is it time for a new week already?
My new washer and dryer aren't coming till Saturday. 
