Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
~ Roseanne Barr ~
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Doctor to patient: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib, but we fixed it with Photoshop. "
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Harry was thrilled. After seeing a psychologist for over three years, he was finally pronounced free to go. “Wow this is so exciting you mean I am finally cured?!” Questioned Harry excitedly, “You mean I no longer have an inferiority complex!”
“Well” said the psychologist slowly, “to be perfectly honest with you I don’t think you ever had an inferiority complex. After much thought I have come to a conclusion. I think you really are inferior!”
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Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”
The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”
“SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”
“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”
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Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable.
Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?” Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!” “Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?” “The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he's interested in buying your slippers !”
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“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna or pizza.”
“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I can handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna or pizza diet… What’s with that anyway? I’ve never heard of such a diet before!”
“It’s not exactly a diet per say”, responded the Doctor, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
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My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.
After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?”
Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”
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A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
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Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor.
After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”
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Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? He’s alright now!
Get it??
All Right.....
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Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”
“Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed.
“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “What's wonderful about it? I’m losing my hearing!!!
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Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”
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Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment. “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” She asked.” “It’s $130”, was the prompt reply. “$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” “Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” “Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
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Good morning everyboomie and welcome to March!!
You can sure tell it's March here. The wind is already blowing with gale force nearly every day.
Also our temperatures are climbing pretty fast.
I'm just warning you so you can get ready to start hearing me complain long and loud about the heat.
Anyway I think we can get through March before we start seeing a lot of 80 degree days.
Enjoy your new diner everyone, and have a happy week.
joe