“Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”
~ Lao Tzu~
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Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
~Paula Poundstone~
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Anne went away to college and promptly became an avid animal right activist.
When she came home for the Holidays she noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat. “Oh Mom,” Anne exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.”
“ANNE!” Screamed her Mom Aghast ” I SEND YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?! HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!”
~~
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner walked into a small clothing store in the mall with her english speaking fiance.
“Excuse me,” said her fiance with just a touch of an accent, “would it be ok with you if my Fiancee tried on the dress in the window?”
“Listen” said the owner after just a brief pause, “business has been slow here for a while now, if you’re fine with her changing in the window, let her go on ahead, maybe it will bring in a few customers.”
~~
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail.
Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”
After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.
~~
As the movie progressed I was getting more and more annoyed, WILL THEY EVER BE QUIET? I silently fumed.
Finally after close to a half hour into the movie I tapped the blabbermouth in front of me on the shoulder and politely said, “excuse me Ma’am but I can’t hear.”
“YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO!” she exclaimed, “THIS IS A CONFIDENTIAL DISCUSSION!”
~~
Despite coming home too often disappointed, my son Adam had the habit of constantly going on blind dates.
“So how was it?” I asked, as he walked into the door a measly two hours after he had optimistically left.
“Well, lets put it this way” was his glib response, “she has the gift of speech, but unfortunately without the gift of conversation!”
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Although Barbara was very generous with her money, and did give away a lot of it to charity, she had one hangup. She refused to answer the door for solicitors. Instead she would have one of her maids answer the door and give a donation.
Given the circumstances, the maid was quite surprised to see, that after a man showed up at the door with the proclamation, “I haven’t eaten anything in two days”, that Barbara insisted on seeing him.
“What did she ask you?” The maid asked the confused looking man as he exited her office. “I don’t know what she was talking about”, he replied, “she wanted to know what my secret was.”
~~
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
~
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
~~
It was Sally’s first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive.
“I would just like you to know” said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge “that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.”
“That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.”
“What’s the case about?” Asked Sally.
“Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom”, replied the judge.
“Alright” replied Sally “I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.”
~~
Grandma Irene was taking her new Granddaughter for a walk, when her neighbor Sally comes over and peeks into the stroller. “Wow is she cute” gushed Sally in a high pitch squeal. “This is nothing” said Grandma Irene with a wave of her hand, “you should see the portraits!”
~~
Bertha and her husband were watching a very sad play – an old-fashioned melodrama about unrequited love in which one of the sweethearts commits suicide and the other is beset with tragedy after bitter tragedy.
Before the first act was over every women in the theater was weeping. But Bertha’s husband was unmoved. “Ridiculous!” he snorted every few minutes.
At one particular scene, as the heroine lay dying in her lover’s arms, and Bertha sobbed aloud, he actually laughed. Bertha turned to him. “Look,” she cried furiously through her tears, “if you don’t like the play why don’t you go home and at least let me enjoy myself!”
~~
I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
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Differences between Men and Women
• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
• Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn’t.
• There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. • Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year. • A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Sorry folks I've had my head somewhere else the last two nights. Probably in Tomb Raider.
Yesterday was a great day. My yard was dry enough to mow so I........you know........mowed it.
Now my mower needs washing again . It's a vicious cycle!!
Today is very overcast and about 10 degrees cooler and I'm glad I mowed yesterday.
Maybe my procrastinating ways are behind me.
Naaa...
After all, I did put off posting this week's diner.
Have a super week everyone.
joe
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