I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Anon
~~~~
Old Max had started out as a diamond cutter, and through hard work and good judgement he finally became the owner of a National chain of jewelry stores. He was wealthy indeed. But now, he lay dying, so he called his wife to his side. “Hannah,” he began, “I always meant to draw up a will but somehow I never got around to it. So pay close to attention to my last wishes.”
“Yes, Max, I am listening,” Hannah wept. “Whatever you want, it will be done.”
“First of all, the business I leave to Harry.”
“Oh, no, Max, not to Harry!” his wife protested. “With Harry it’s girl-girls-girls! Leave the business better to Jerome. He’s at least reliable and has a good head for figures.”
“Alright, let it be Jerome,” sighed the dying man. “To Harry I leave the stocks and bonds.”
“Better you should leave me the stocks and bonds. I should take care he doesn’t squander it on women or cards.”
“Very well, in your name I leave the securities. And the summer house I leave to our sweet Minnie.”
“Minnie!” exclaimed his wife. “What what does Minnie need another summer house for? Her husband didn’t buy her one last year? Give it to Anna – her husband is a poor man. After all she’s our flesh and blood too.”
“Fine! Anna gets the summer house,” he sighed resignedly. “And to our youngest Abe, I leave the car and the warehouses.”
“But Abe has already 2 cars. What does he need with another one? And he wants to be a musician – what would he do with warehouses? Take my advice and give them to Louis.”
That did it! Old Max had taken all he could of his wife’s interference. Raising himself off the pillow and summoning his last ounce of strength, he snapped, “Hannah, you are a good women and have been a fine wife and mother. But listen – who the hell is dying around here – you or me?”
~~~
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Englishman, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.
They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Next it was the Italian’s turn. Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Now it was the Englishman’s turn. “I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Englishman. “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”
“ I’ll wait…”
~~~
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
~~~
Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.
It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf. From now on I will be on time for dinner!”
Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave.
Dave was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock.
Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!”
“REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKES 3 HOURS TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR!?
~~~
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John. “Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
~~~
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks. Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING!
There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?
~~~
“Honey!” screamed my husband from our bedroom, “you MUST check this out!
“What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen. “You’re not going to believe what I found when I was drilling a hole through the wall to hang this picture! I found a secret stash of bottles!”
Just then my I heard my daughters voice hollering from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth in here! Who is drilling a hole through the medicine cabinet!?”
~~~
John, Sam, and Abe, 3 retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker. It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing. She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened. Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot. Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards. As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied. Abe knocked on John’s door. “John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened. “He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed. “YOU TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!”
“Ok,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him!”
~~~
“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!”
“Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”
“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?”
“Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!” “Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”
“A car? Asked Dan. “You don't need to buy a car. Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”
~~~
“So Grandpa” asked Dave at his engagement party “your marriage to Grandma is legendary everyone talks about how you two get along so well and never fight, what’s the secret to your marital success?”
“Well” said Grandpa Joe after taking a deep puff on his cigar “it all started on the way home from our wedding, we hadn’t gone but a mile when the horse started giving us trouble I gave the horse a little whip and that’s when I heard your Grandma say in a low voice “that’s strike one.”
A bit later the horse stopped again “that’s strike two” she said.
The third time it stopped she grabbed my shotgun out of my holster and shot it in the head. I was in shock!
“What in the world was that all about?” I had protested at the time.
“That’s strike one!” she said back to me.
“And that is what I owe our marital success to.”
~~~
Hello everyboomie.
Here is a nuther fine diner to show off Connie's great cuisine.
I hope your new week brings great things for you all.
Stay safe everyone.
joe
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) New motor part arrives in a few days. Awesome neighbors picked up my two baskets of wet clothes from outside my front door, used their dryer and returned them. 
