If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
On a fishing trip to a remote lake in Northern Quebec, I asked the outfitter, “Do you stay here during the winter?”
“No,” he said. “The snow gets too deep. We can’t get supplies in. Like many Canadians, I go south for the winter.”
“Oh,” I said. “Where do you go?”
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
Q: What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?
A: An extra hour of rain
Q: What do you call a month's worth of rain?
Q: What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A: A rain of terror
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?
A: A snowmobile!
Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A: A weekend.
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery.
It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I
use it as both.
When not in use, it
is prominently displayed in a
decorative ceramic utensil caddy
in my kitchen.
The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at
a rummage sale.
It’s a pooper-scooper.
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back
in 20 minutes.
The woman asked,
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work.
They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.
Me: You mean … the period?
Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.”
Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
Before google, there were librarians.
Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley
Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple.
It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
I hope you all had a grand old weekend. Too bad it's over eh?
My weekend was like really busy.
Friday I had to fix my ceiling fan, which had a wobble and it finally got to the point where screws were loose, and it was leaning to one side. I was taking it down so I could fix the mounting bracket, but I needed to redo the wiring. Well it fell to the floor.
One of the blade arms got bent. I had to go buy a new ceiling fan because Lowe's didn't have an arm that matched the ones on my fan. Looking back....now...I could have replaced all the arms on it cheaper than a new one, but I like the new one better. It then took me at least 3 hours to install the new one.
Saturday I started a new project that I was going to start on Friday, before the ceiling fan fiasco, which was to repaint my laundry room. I Had to move a ton of stuff out, take down the shelves, take down a cabinet off the wall, paint the trim, let it dry, tape it off, paint the walls, and paint the shelves. Took all day long....Whew!! Looks awesome though!
Sunday....today....was the most challenging part, to re-floor the laundry. I had to re-floor it with the washer and dryer and two cabinet/shelving units, and my water heater all still in the room.
I'm done with it all except for some caulking and paint touch ups.
It looks so good.
I'm also done physically. My back is killing me. My hands are killing me, with skinned knuckles and painful thumb joints. My knees are skinned and very sore. My legs are like, "If you get up one more time I swear we're going on strike!"
Now if I could just coax someone into mowing my lawn I would be ecstatic.
I didn't think I was going to get this diner posted tonight, but here it is.
Enjoy everyone and have a great week.