You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh, about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around three miles." —

~Jerry Seinfeld~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. When he grew sleepy, I wheeled his chair as close to the bed as possible and, using the techniques I’d learned in school, grasped him in a bear hug to lift him onto the bed. But I couldn’t clear the top of the mattress. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, and hoisted him onto the bed. When the night shift nurse arrived, I recounted what had happened. “Funny,” she said, looking puzzled. “Usually I just ask him to get in bed, and he does.”
~~

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
~~

As a brain wave technologist, I often ask postoperative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. It always struck me as odd to be asking this question right after brain surgery, so a colleague suggested I ask patients to show me their teeth. Armed with this new phrase, I said to my next patient, “Mr. Smith, show me your teeth.” He shook his head. “The nurse has them.”
~~

Before heading off to Mexico on vacation, my daughter asked her doctor for medicine to ward off any potential stomach troubles. Instead, the doctor prescribed bottled water and electrolytes, “which have simple sugars and salt.” My daughter liked that. “Oh,” she said, “like a margarita?”
~~

Feeling ill, my supervisor went to a nearby doctor, who ordered an EKG. Upon reading the results, the doctor declared that my boss was suffering a cardiac arrest and called an ambulance to whisk him off to the hospital. There, doctors performed their own tests. But those came back negative. After some quick sleuthing, the problem was solved: The first doctor had read the EKG upside down.
~~

Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist?

Ted: Brace yourself.
~~

After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.”
~~

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Me: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?
~~

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband.

“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.

“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.

“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”

A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”
~~

My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”
~~

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry. "Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."
~~

A doctor told his patient, "There's good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss." The patient said, "Oh no, Doctor. What's the bad news?"
~~

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the 
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
~~

When my three-year-old was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
~~

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, “An apple a day keeps 
the doctor away, right?” “That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
~~

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”

“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”

“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately.

We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”

Source: Overheard in the ER
~~

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?”

Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.

“Once a week?”

A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

“Once a month?”

A few hands tepidly go up.

Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.

The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory.

“If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” T

he man yells, “Today’s the day!”
~~

My mother was rushed to the 
hospital following a serious tumble.
There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.

Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
~~

Good evening everyboomie.


I think I took my sweet time getting here, but here I am none the less.


I did have a busy day............................this week. One of them.


Maybe one, if you put them all together.


The intent was there anyway.


I always have good intentions on my right shoulder.......and that ornery little procrastinator guy on my left.


I may go to Texas this week with my sister. She's going home to visit my other sister. I haven't been home since 1992 or 1993.


I'm thinking it might be time.


Whut?


Have a great week everyone.


joe

Thanks for another week, Joe! They are flying by aren't they?

I had a great Sunday with Nugget. I took her to three places and drove 175 miles to hike and swim. We had a blast! It was much needed! I'm ready to start my week!

Have a great one all!

Good morning Joe Love the Mum & winter joke so funny hehe...Wish You & your Sister a safe road trip should you both still go...be safe..

Ana Your not wrong even though it's been a rotten & scary half of the year eg virus, I must admit that your absolutely right - the days are going so fast.....it's like yesterday i just put the Christmas tree away...May You & your family have a super week.


Good morning Soot , Looney , connie , family , MsMercury , Kaki's Sister , Butterflybabe and Space Quest Fan ..Plus anyone Else who pops in at Gameboomers

Good morning, enjoy the new week. Lunch and Netflix (The Umbrella Society) with a friend. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC.

Magnificent Monday ya'll

Home from my run. Cleaned up, wash running, and it's time for sitting and surfing for a sec. G'kids are doing school (sort of ), Soot is in a meeting. 2020 has been an interesting year.

Hope you all have a wonderful, fantastic day

watching court shows.

Good morning, enjoy the day. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC.

Good morning Joe Ana TaintedFury L4L Connie and Family

Joe, taking your time is A.O.K. .. you be careful in Texas .. lots of rain headed that way .. have a fun road trip

Ana, that's wonderful you and Nugget got some time to hike and swim

Hey Ho TaintedFury .. it is fascinating how time has sped up as the years are passing by .. sleep well

Family .. enjoy your shows .. and maybe knock out a chore to free time this weekend

Connie, you enjoy your day too .. I'll have a Danish to go with a tall dark roast from Gerry
L4L

Wishing you all an agreeable Toosday Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi

Terrific Tuesday ya'll

Rainy day is forecast. It is for sure overcast, but I did get in my run without needing to use the umbrella I lugged along.

Came home to son cooking bacon Why else do I run except so I can eat bacon? I literally could happily eat bacon at every meal. I don't, but I could.

Now cleaned up and sitting and surfing and sipping. Always a good thing!

Have a great one

watching court shows.

Hello everyone.

I hope everybody is doing great this evening.

I'm trying to get ready to go to Texas in the morning.

I haven't been away from home overnight in over 2 years, and I'm just hoping I don't forget something. It's a 400 mile trip so I can't run back home for something I forgot.

I'm taking Missy AND Pepper, so this is going to be a fun trip.

We'll be back on Saturday. I'm taking my laptop, but not sure how much I'll be on line.

Enjoy the rest of your week Ana, TaintedFury, Family, SpaceQuestFan, Gerry, Connie, L4L, Soot, ManXman, ButterFlyBabe, Trail_Mystic, & Mary.

joe

Joe, be safe! Maybe a trip to Texas when a hurricane is coming! Have a fun and safe trip!

Hello dear Boomers, just stopping by to say 'Hi' and to wish you all a wonderful Wednesday. Things continue to be very challenging here, hubby not good healthwise at the moment. Could use some prayers please.

Safe trip Joe!

Ana, sorry to read about your BIL. Prayers and love to you all.

Stay safe guys!

Much love,

Mary

Good morning, enjoy the day. Joe, be safe in Texas. Mary, prayers for your husband. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC.

Good morning Boomers

Hey Ho Joe ... have a safe road trip and enjoy ... catch you this weekend

Enjoy your shows Family

Hello Ms Mary ... it's so good to see you .. will definitely add hubby to you and family in my prayers

Hi Ana ... it's always good to see you come up for air

Good morning Connie, you enjoy your day too! I'll grab a Danish and coffee to go please
L4L

Have a dazzling Camel Day Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi

Prayers and positive thoughts for you and family Mary.

Connie, wishing you a good day!

L4L, I love bacon too!

soot, hope your week is going smoothly!

Taintedfury, are your garden projects done now?

Wonderful Wednesday to you all

I am back from my run in the park. Little rough today as I tripped 2ce within 30 seconds. Thought for a minute the Good Lord was trying to tell me today was not the day to run. Then I decided he was actually telling me to tuck in my shoe laces which I had always worried about a bit.

Tucked them in and finished my 5 miles staying on my feet.

Home now to sit and sip and surf. Hopefully, playing Dnd with son/g'son this afternoon. We shall see.

Mary, prayers for your family. Gentle hugs!

Good morning, everyone! Been quite some time since I've posted. Been quite a busy year! Good to be back!

Nice to see you, Darlene! Your absence was noted, and I was wondering how you were doing.

Darlene, I was just thinking about you this weekend! I was wondering what happened to you! So happy to see you here.

L4L, nothing like a shoestring to remind you to pay attention to the little things. Been there, done that!

watching court shows.

Good Morning all Boomers..

Joe Hopefully your journey to Texas will be a enjoyable drive, though it's a concern with that Hurricane approaching - please take care & be safe..

Ana Almost Hubby decided to connect copper pipes between a tap outside & a old washing machine so i can wash the dog blankets in that machine....Final adjustments being done on drain/trench...hugs to Nugget
PS Still sending positive thoughts & wishes for Bil...

G'day Soot They're going to quick - but that's what happens when we get older...super day to you...

Good morning, have a Lovely day. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC.

Good morning ya'll

I'm back from my run. Have inhaled my coffee and my tummy is making lunch noises. Son has dinner in the crock pot and hubby has gone into work for a bit.

Kids are doing school work at home. This seems to be life in 2020. Whoosh, where has August gone?

Hey everyone ... stopped by this morning and then got side tracked

Hope you all had a great day!

Work is getting the best of me

Take care, stay smart, stay safe!

watching court shows.

Good Morning Looney, connie & family - May you all have a Super Day...

Good morning, it's TGIF. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC.

Yes it is Connie I'll have a Danish to go please

Hey Ho TaintedFury ... sleep well! ... have a wonderful Saturday

Enjoy your show Family!

Back to work for me
L4L

Have an entertaining day Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi

Hi Soot, it's been a while since I dropped by the in the diner. Hope all is well with everyone.

Hello gang

We made it to Friday. I had a great run at the park. Home, cleaned up, and sitting and sipping for a sec. Not sure what is going on with the rest of the day, but think I might be playing DnD with g'son. That kind of depends on his mood and son's mood. Not a good game to play when folks are moody.

Think it's supposed to be g'kids weekend to go to mom's but that changes sometimes, so we shall see.

Have a great day all

Hey manXman ... it's great to see you in the diner ... life is good ... challenging most of us with the new normal that's unveiling itself around the globe with the virus ... I think the researchers will figure it out and eventually create a vaccine.

Stay smart, stay safe!

chores.

Good morning, enjoy the weekend. Shopping today. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC.

The Weekend is Here

L4L

Have a Super Saturday Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi

Enjoy the weekend everyone

All right! Home from a great run... up and down and all round. Hot and Humid, of course, but it's AL in August. At least it wasn't Sunny! I usually like sunny, but not while I'm running in Aug.

Home now, cleaned up, sitting and surfing and sipping. Will do some dinner prep once I post and then get back to my read-a-thon.

Have a great day!

chores.

Good morning Everyone, Wishing you all have a Wonderful weekend & stay healthy.

G'day Soot much appreciated - Super Saturday/Weekend to you & your family.

Happy Gaming all

Good morning everybody

Good morning tainted fury it's good to see you. Have a great Sunday evening and sleep well

Hello family did you get your chores done yesterday or do you have more today also

Hope to get A-day of rest for me; finish a book and I'm not sure what else is in store

Love the weekends ... my favorite time of the week:)

Good morning, have a Lovely day. Breakfast out this morning. A trip to Spirit Halloween later today. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Biscuits and Gravy, Waffles, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC.

Good morning Connie ... stay safe while you're out n about ... are you getting decorations? I'll have a Danish to go please ... I have miles to go before I sleep

Have a super Sunday everyone. Keep safe and enjoy the day.

The sun found my run today, but that's okay. I survived. Cleaned up and heading up to find food. Have a great day ya'll

watching court shows.

Hi Soot Sunday was a bit busy but it was a good day thanks, we actually both had a good night's sleep....Today was a slower day & more quieter - we both needed a recharge hehe

Well I certainly hope you do/did get that day of rest, how about reading a new book something different....I don't read much but according to my Mother - Clive Cussler has good books! One is Journey of the Pharaohs.

Yes the weekend is always better except for the internet - worse on the weekends (:

Take care and happy gaming

Good morning, enjoy the new week. Lunch and Netflix with a friend. Joint meeting at the Eagles tonight. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC.

A marvelous Monday morning to everyone. Enjoy you day

Good morning TaintedFury, manXman, Family, Connie and L4L

TaintedFury .. finished my book and started a new one .. oh yes, have most of Clive Cussler's books as wife and I are fans .. glad to hear you two got some rest Monday .. yes, I imagine with most folks off on the weekends your internet would be slower with everyone using it .. I wonder if the Tech folks will ever solve that

You too manXman ... see you in the Garden

Connie, have a great lunch and enjoy Netflix with your friend! I'll grab a Danish to go

Family, enjoy your shows!

Have a Marvelous Monday Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi

Magnificent Monday ya'll

Got my run in before the rain got here, but saw the black clouds rolling in near the end. Was glad to make it home before they hit. Then got wet anyway when I went out to clear a move alert

Cleaned up and enjoying sitting and surfing and sipping whilst pondering lunch. Listening to g'son mutter as he does his school at the computer next to me.

Have a great day ya'll

I am too and it's hilarious

Good morning everyboomie.

I hope everyone is doing great this morning.

I'm about to take the pups to the park. It's very overcast and cool here. It rained and stormed all day yesterday, and we could not get out to walk.

Our temperatures are going to stay down in the 80s all week.

TaintedFury and Soot I loved reading Clive Cussler. It's been a while but books like Raise the Titanic, and Saraha were a lot of fun.

Ana Pepper enjoys road trips, as long as I don't make a sharp turn and tip her travel cage over.

Gotta go. Have a super day everyone.

joe