The late comedian Mitch
Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and
I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”
I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”
My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off.
Tip-jar humor in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”
In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30. “You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line. “What if I had to close a million-dollar contract this morning? Your oversight would have cost me the deal!” “Sir,” he said calmly, “if you had to close that type of deal, I doubt you’d be staying in this type of hotel.”
Q: Why was the dead man not living well?
A: Because he was dead broke.
Because my wife and I are flea market dealers, we usually carry stacks of $1 bills. Not long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with singles. As our waitress collected the ones, she sized up my 70-year-old wife and said, "You had a good night dancing last night, huh?"
I stopped off at the supermarket to buy my son-in-law his favorite pie, sour cream raisin. The box had the $15 price stamped on the top, which I thought would be tacky on a gift, so I asked the man behind the counter for a marker to black out the price. Didn't work—you could still see the price through the ink.
"I know what to do," the man said. "I'll cover it up."And with that, he slapped a sticker over the price that read "$2.98 Day Old."
The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married, and out of work,” he lectured. “I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each.”
“I see,” said the junior executive. “You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business.” “No,” said the CEO. “Then my wife’s father died and left me a fortune.”
I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I'm not sure son, I'm still paying."
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's not a lot of difference between me and George Clooney.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
You don't have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.
Money isn't everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”
Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time.
• My pet goldfish died.
• Our business doesn’t really do anything. —Financial services firm
• I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns. —Accountant
I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge. "No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."
My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account.
One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.”
Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook: “I’m using rubber.”
No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.
"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."
"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."
"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"
"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."
"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"
A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call.
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"
The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"
"Um, no," mumbled the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"
"I … I … I had no idea."
"So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.
"How did you do that?" he asked.
"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice.
The idea was nixed. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.
I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Fifteen dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
A Brooklyn café is charging $12 for a cup of Ethiopian coffee. The drink doesn't have a name, so The Week asked its readers to do the honors.
Café au Laitaway
Hello every boomie.
How is everyone doing?
I had a great visit with family and old friends last week in my old home town.
The greatest thing about the visit, I think, is that it confirmed my suspicion that I don't want to move back there, ever!
Many many changes there since I was last there, and not for the best.
So I've been busy trying to get caught up since I got back. I had to totally clean house, and I installed two light fixtures that I got in just before I left.
This morning my friend here brought little Beau out for a visit.
Missy and Pepper were xtremely happy to get back home, and so was I.
I promised my sister I wouldn't wait so long before my next visit, so I told her I'd see her in like 20 years.
Anyway the world is still turning here, and the temperatures are trying to come down. Of course after 105 degrees Saturday almost anything is cooler.
I hope everyone has a super fantastic week for the first week of September.