I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. —
Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.
"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"
"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."
From our local TV news station, this undeniably true travel suggestion: "Next up, ten money-saving tips for your trip to Hawaii.
Don't go away!"
During an anti-harassment seminar at work, I asked, "What's the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?"
A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."
If your name is on the building, you're rich;
if your name is on your desk, you're middle-class;
if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.
I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I'd requested because my income wasn't substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.
My husband is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit.
Needless to say, it gave me a start when, looking through the freezer, I found packages labeled steak, chicken breast, and Molly.
A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again.
"Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
Do you have a hot tub asked the Rolls guy?
Nope replied the Kia driver.
Well I do says the Rolls driver smugly.
The Kia owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off.
"How do I stop?" he yelled.
"Bet on it!" I hollered back.
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.
A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.
"Please, ma'am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They're about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."
"That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"
Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."
A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
When he blew a wad of money at my blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, "How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!" Before I could speak, another customer replied, "Patience."
During a visit to our friend's home in Canada, we were feted with a wonderful breakfast. But my six-year-old daughter was not impressed.
"Your pancakes are smaller than my mom's," she told him.
He replied, "That's because of the exchange rate."
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, "My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!"
Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.
The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.
"Thank you!" the mother cried. "Tell me, are you a doctor?"
"No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."
We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I'll have the 24."
"Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that's the price, not the meal number."
"Oh," he said. "Then give me the 12."
I’ve never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same 50 bucks, my friend could’ve gotten me 50 bucks.
Hey hello everyboomie. Can y'all believe it's September 5th already? WOW!
The most exciting thing about that to me is this; We are still in the 90s right now, but by Wednesday we will be in the 60s for the high.
I imagine this weather front is going to deliver much colder temps in other areas though, like in Ana's area. Ana I hope it's not a drastic change for you guys. I know you'll take it in stride though. You always do.
I'm waiting for a drop, and then a good dry moment, so I can jump out and mow my yard again. I'm just really tired of it, and hope it will be the last time I have to mow this year, although.......not holding my breath on that fantasy.
Is anybody else excited about football's return? I definitely am, although I think this could be a strange season, if there are no fans in the stands, and they are using recorded crowd noise in their broadcast.
Have a salubrious week everyone.
Soot taught me a new one there.