I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. —
Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall. "That's nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway."
"Actually," says the tour guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway."
"Was he a writer?" the student asks.
"Yes. He wrote a big check."
After cashing a check at the bank, the woman in front of me stood staring at her money. "Did I give you enough back?" asked the teller. "Yes," she said. "But barely."
The pastor decides to use one rich parishioner to set an example. "John," he says, "you're a successful businessman; surely you could contribute more to the building fund."
John replies, "But my mother is in a nursing home, my daughter just lost her job, and my son is starting college … If I can say no to them, I can say no to you too."
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you'll put it in the casket."
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Robin' you! Give me your money fool!
Freelance newspaper writers don't get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.
"Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of papers."
On a billboard ad for a safe company:
"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
My husband, an attorney, is frequently consulted by clients who, after learning what the cost of legal services will be, decide to do without his aid. Recently the elderly minister of a small, struggling church came in with a legal problem.
After patiently listening to an explanation of my husband's fees, he left the office with a prudent: "Thank you, sir, but I believe I'll just pray this one through."
Dear IRS: I'm sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn't stop, I'll send you the rest.
I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.
It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.
Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, "I'll turn the pumps on right away!" What I didn't know was that the night crew had left them on all night. By the time I got to the office, most of the cars had filled up and driven off. Only one customer stayed to pay. My heart sank.
Then the customer pulled a wad of cash from his pocket and handed it to me.
"We kept passing the money to the last guy," he said. "We figured you'd get here sooner or later."
A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!" "How?" asks the blonde. "Watch this," says the brunette.
She climbs up to the rafter and hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you doing?" "I'm a lightbulb," she answers. "I think you need some time off," says the boss so she jumps down and walks out.
The blonde starts walking out, too. "Where are YOU going?" says the boss.
The blonde replies, "I'm leaving too. I can't work in the dark!"
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.
"Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life".
"Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor drawled.
"No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!"
"So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor.
"No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?"
The farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand.
As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?”
Concerned, the doctor told him, "You should consider quitting."
"No, it's OK," said the patient. "I smoke with my left hand."
On our commute to work, my husband stopped at a convenience store for coffee. As he got back into the car, I noticed something odd.
"Turn your head and look at me," I said. "You have a Q-tip sticking out of your ear."
As he pulled it out, he replied, "No wonder the guy in there asked me if I was getting good reception."
Need I say more?
It's been a pretty great day so far. 'The Washington Football Team' beat the 'Philadelphia football team'. Totally unexpected.
Then I was watching to see how Cam Newton would do in New England. He won. Now I'm watching to see how Tom Brady will do in Tampa. He's behind so far in New Orleans. Of course Drew Brees is a Texas boy.
My Texans lost Thursday to KC Chiefs. Pretty much what I expected. Another Texas boy, Patrick Mahomes.
The Cowboys play the Rams tonight in that monstrous, beautiful new SoFi stadium out there in LA.
Did you know they can show videos on the roof of that dome that people flying over can watch.........until the plane crashes.
This morning was very Fall like. Our park walk was very enjoyable, and my afternoon here on the couch has been most agreeable.
I wish all of you a fantastic week coming up.