I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."
We got to a point in our relationship where she asked me for a reason for her to stay with me...
I told her I was like her handbag and that I complimented her shoes...
She said I never complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented her shoes. Her shoes were manure. So was her handbag...we broke up.
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
New Year's Resolutions for HIM and HER
Her - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week
WHUT?? It's only 5 months away.
How, when, what, why, who?
You ask too many questions! Forget it.
The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged," she finally responds.
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"Happy New Year
Good morning everyboomie, and an early Happy New Year.
Let's see now, what comes after Sunday Funday?
Not sure I wanna know anyway.
I do know this. Only two more days for them, before I get my two days.
Then.......I get to start moving.
I've been waiting for this all my life.
FINALLY, a place of my very own.
It'll be a true man cave. A real chick pad.
Ok have a happy day everyone.