I'm not normally a religious man, but... if you're up there, save me, Superman!
Homer Simpson
~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn`t wanted to have any romance with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor`s office. The doctor asks her what`s wrong, why doesn`t she want to romance her husband?
"Oh, that`s easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I`ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don`t have any money. The cab driver asks me, `Are you going to pay today, or what?` So, I take an `or what`."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I`m late, so the boss asks me, `Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?` So, I take an `or what`.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, `So, are you going to pay this time, or what?` Again, I take an `or what`.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I`m all tired out and don`t want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Letters To Landlords1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot
bathe the children until it is
cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove
as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there
is a smell coming from the man next
door.
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink,
which is running away from the wall.
5. I request your permission to remove
my drawers in the kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half
and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend
our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my
wife tripped on it and is now
pregnant.
8. Will you please send a man to look
at my water, it is a funny color and
not fit to drink.
9. Would you please send a man to
repair my downspout. I am an old
page pensioner and need it straight
away.
10. When the workmen were here they put
their tools in my wife's new
drawers and made a mess. Please
send men with clean tools to finish
the job and keep my wife happy.
#8.....Hmmmm.....
sis??
~~~~~~~~~
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid mutt was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She had better not dig up my garden again or I'll have her put to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his
bed. and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've
found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a
combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under
the door."
~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Joe's diner here. Chief cook and bottle washer speaking.
Hey
I serve all kinds of food.....and wash all kinds of bottles.
I'm thinking about getting a liquor liscense.
Everything taste better when cooked with alcohol.
I usually cook some potatoes, and have a drink or two.
Then I' carve a ham or a roast, and then have a couple of drinks.
Then I'll soss a talad, and have 4 or 5 drinks.
Aynawy you get the ptcuier.
Tmie for ned bow.
Hvae a dnrik and a hpapy day erevnoye.
eoj
acebook
witter
Joe 
. 
Hope everyone has a great Tuesday. 
Hope everyone has a terrific Tuesday 
