A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
~~~~~~
Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
~~~~~~~~~~
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the suit, the guy's guide dog bit me."
~~~~~~~~~
An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.
"Thank God," she says.
A man in the seat behind her says "Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought:
What shall we say when Stalin dies?"
The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"
~~~~~~~~~~
So you want a day off.
Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work, and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
GREAT!! So.....I work today then I'm off the rest of the year? I think I can handle that. ~~~~~~~~~~~
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
~~~~~~~~
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being
allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some
counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be
saved.
The counselor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely determined to go through with separation leading to divorce.
Finally, in some desperation, the counselor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??"
To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."
~~~~~~~~~
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~
At communion you go back for seconds.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.
McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!!
Mine
We're looking at possible rain/snow mix, and a high of 37
37 minus 4.
Which means exactly nothing. Which is probably what I'll be doing.
Well not exactly nothing. I mean I will breath....some, and most likely I'll eat a little, but other than that I'll be doing nothing.
Oops! I forgot something else. I'm sure I'll pee a few times.
So breathing, eating, and peeing is all I'll do today, but other than those, I'll do nothing.
Oh darn, I forgot something else. I'll simply have to blink, because I don't think anyone can get through a whole day without blinking once or twice.
Ok so other than breathing, eating, peeing, and blinking once or twice I'm doing exactly NOTHING, and that's final.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I may sleep some. That's doing something too, right?
acebook
witter
Joe what a tiring day... 
We got more snow over night not much but enough to slow things down 
Coffee is ready along with Birthday cake for Nan 
Haroula keep smiling. 
Happy Birthday nan! 
Enjoy your Monday Monday!
at the vet. 
WEEEEEEEEEE!
Hope those people will take the pup!