Most common theme in AGs

I've been thinking that the 80% of the games i played had something to do (sooner or later) with the Templars or the Aztecs... It's an interesting theme i admit that but this is just to much in my opinion...
Have you notice that or i am just unlucky? Is there any other very common themes you can think off and i'm not?

Games set in Egypt. There sure seem to be a lot of those.

and what \about Atlantis?

Oooooh.... right... Egypt You are right...

Help me here Linda... I can recall any game with Atlantis theme... Can you remind me one or two?

Secret brotherhoods pop up in many games.


Bernard

You start a game with a completely different theme and somewhere in the middle pop pop pop the brotherhoods... If i'll play one more game like this i think i'll become an expert on their history...

"The Egyptian Brotherhood in Atlantis" - coming to a PC near you ... SOON.

Change the title to: Mysteries of the Aztecs, the Egyptian Brotherhood in Atlantis and I'll buy it for sure!


Bernard

I seemed to have played a lot of games over the last year with voodoo/hoodoo as a theme. Also the supernatural in other contexts seems to be the subject of many of our games. I enjoy most of them immensely but it is refreshing to play something that's set in the real'ish' world sometimes!

You know... there is a certain puzzle in Tex Murphy Pandoras Directive with Aztec numbers and maths and that kind of staff. I met similar puzzles in more then one games and i even remember back then how the one is in Aztec maths 2,3 etc

Alright, new title:
Voodoo Mathematicians of the Aztecs, the Egyptian Brotherhood in Atlantis.


Bernard

Well it would save on box design, because with all that text there wouldn't be any room for illustration!

You're right Rushes, let's make it a text based game.

>North

You're at the entrance of a pyramid. There's a strange looking man here with some strange tattoos on his arms. On the ground you see some chicken feathers and an amulet. Above the entrance are inscriptions that look like dots and dashes. To the east you see a landing place for spaceships. West you see a big picture of a snake.

>_



Bernard

>Enter Pyramid.

When you enter the pyramid you here a loud click. A moment later you hear the sound of a boulder rolling down a slope! You decide to go out quickly but before you do that, you see a hat and a whip lying on the floor. Thinking about all these archeologists you meet on your adventures, you rush out.

You're at the entrance of a pyramid.

>_


Bernard

>Enter Pyramid - inside there is a large ante chamber with steps ahead leading down to a door with strange symbols & no visible means of entrance. To the left is another door with a snake symbol above & again no means of entry. Time to exit pyramid & check out spaceship & snake - don't forget to pick up chicken feathers etc - you will need those later. Whip & hat are optional but you might get an easter egg out of them.

After u p/u feathers u rush back in Pyramid. Whip out feathers and tickle the snake's belly to door on the left and the door silently opens...revealing ??????

Murder Mysteries i thought was the most common theme. That then legends and myths.

The average adventure game is about a guy called Omar Nahuatliluaki who got murdered while trying to enter a pyramid during the crusades. You play the role of Sherlock Drew who is trying to solve the mystery with the assistance of a Greek God.

Hi

Don't leave out poor Dracula !!

We need a game with a bit of bite now and then

Cheers.

Mad

Ah, one can never have too many Dracula and Sherlock Holmes games.

???? Mummified human-like corpses (far taller than any living human being) and strange fish-related artifacts. Was there a body of water near the pyramid sometime in the past? Or were the builders of the pyramid from a lost civilization from under the sea?

Suddenly, a light strikes a statue near you. You realize that there is a hole in the roof of the pyramid, and the sun has just reached the point where it illuminates the statue.

>_

>look at statue

You study the statue and you see a well-known pattern. Aaargh, it's a slider puzzle!!

>_


Bernard

>slump to the floor and weep bitterly

ERROR: Do not understand "slump"

>look at walkthrough

ERROR: That's cheating

>_

>Save game.

GAME SAVED.

>Use flyswatter with sliding tile puzzle.

That cannot be swatted.

>Use head of Medusa with sliding tile puzzle.

That cannot be petrified.

>Use house elf with sliding tile puzzle.

The house elf solves the sliding tile puzzle and asks what you'd like for a snack.

>

>open PDA and check e-mail

You have 1 new message(s):
Header: Who is the fool that has put a slider puzzle in a text based adventure?
There's an attachment titled: savedgame.zip

>_


Bernard

at both of you!

No one has mentioned aliens yet ...

You didn't check out the spaceship yet!


Bernard

I'm too scared to examine the spaceship, Bernard, the aliens might beam me up - and even worse there may be no shopping opportunities on the spaceship

What about the Templers, they used to turn up a lot.
Templers use their magic arts to make a space ship and are propelled back to Eygpt to design the pyramids

>inv

You have 5 item(s) in your inventory:
3 red herrings, an empty wallet and a pocket sword.

>_


(So, no shopping anyway Jenny!)
(old lady please use use spoiler tags when you're ahead of the other players!)



Bernard

Disembowel herring with sword.
You find a gold credit card, great for shoppity shopping.

Oh you boomers

>look at shop

You see a small gift shop with a ghost pirate behind the counter. He's selling strange shaped bottle openers in all sizes.

>_



Bernard

!!!!!

WW

>Disembowel ghost pirate with sword.

You can't disembowel a ghost.

>Use empty wallet on ghost pirate.

The ghost pirate cheerfully accepts your empty wallet and tells you to close your eyes. He then hands you the head of Medusa. "How did I use this earlier when it wasn't even in my inventory?" you gasp. "Yo ho ho You be traveling the Mysts O'Tyme!" says the pirate. "Can I interest you in a bottle opener? Your future self will need one."

Should you trust him....

Never,ever trust a dead pirate, however if he's the only shop in town we may have to do a business deal with him and hope it does not explode on us. Maybe he has a rubber chicken an essentile for all adventurers.
Bernard. how can I be ahead when we have only just started

>buy bottle opener

You hand over the credit card to the pirate, he copies it and hands back the card and a bottle opener.

>turn around

You turn around and see a strange whirl in the sky. Suddenly a wardrobe appears. The doors open and a beautiful young woman steps out. A luggage trunk with small feet is following her. She opens the trunk and takes out latex gloves and some swabs. She asks if you're willing to give a DNA sample.

>_

> in the time it took for you to turn round the ghost has used your card details to buy a new ship. You are now maxed out so forget any more shoppity shopping. I told you not to trust a dead pirate

>Use sword to disembowel second red herring.

Inside the red herring is (you were hoping for another credit card, I presume?) a piece of cork. You consider throwing it away in frustration, but slip it into your pocket anyway.

>Use cork on dead pirate.

That cannot be closed up.

>Use cork on dead pirate's shop.

A sign appears form nowhere: This Shop is now Closed. You hear a howl of fury as the shop and the pirate disappear. You are now alone with the beautiful young woman.

>Open mouth.

The young woman takes a saliva sample and puts it into a test tube. She suddenly morphs into a beautiful young alien woman with blue skin, a lab coat, and horn-rimmed glasses.

Bernard falls maddly in love can we trust his judgement any longer?

>give third red herring to alien woman

Alien woman slaps you.

>look

A little distance away, by a boulder, half-covered in dust, lies an old green bottle. To the East is a strange whirl in the sky. To the North is a wardrobe. To the South is a burnt patch of land where there used to be a pirate shop. to the West is an angry alien woman holding a herring.

>_

> take of glasses

You take of the sun glasses preparing to kiss the young alien woman, than you see the pointy long teeth in her mouth and you take a step back. She doesn't seem to notice your reluctance. She takes a bottle of tequila out of her pocket and fills the glasses you have in your hands. You see a worm floating in one of the glasses.

>_


Bernard

Glad to see you have taken off your rose tinted glasses Bernard

> Go over to the boulder & examine the dusty bottle - it could be useful so pick it up. Next go to the South and search carefully the burnt piece of ground - you find a burnt cork & an Ellie MacPherson make-up kit. Go to the wardrobe in the North - you can't open it. Go back to the drunk Alien woman & offer her the make-up kit.......

She says "Not passion red lipstick?" You suddenly realize your mistake. Ask the alien woman to give you a thorn... Take it. Use it on the wordrobe... It's too thick... Take the bottle opener and use it on the thorn... Use the thorn again on the wordrobe... It's now open

> But before you enter the wardrobe you see something on the top of it & need something. Go back to the burnt area again & look again!! You find a charred whip & hat & a small piece of tin foil. Go back to wardrobe & try wielding whip on item on top - no joy. Put hat on & try again - yes! the item is dislodged & it's an unused disposable BBQ tray. Inside the wardrobe there is a row of fur coats - on the shelf above there is a clipper lighter. Examine lighter - there is fuel in it. Examine bottle you picked up - it has your finger prints in the dust but seems to contain a small amount of olive oil......

Take the bottle with olive oil and a fur coat and go back to the alien lady... You say "I couldn't find any lipstick around but i'll cook you a nice dinner"... You put again your hat on and you are excited... but no luck you have nothing to cook except the olive oil... You give her the fur to relax her because she is starting to lose her patient and calls you amature, and you set off to find some food...

Go back to the wardrobe & search inside. At the back you realise there is another door - use the clipper lighter carefully (save first as if you set fire to the coats it's game over) & notice that it is secured by a series of bolts. Clicking on each operates other bolts as well. Don't bother working it out - clicking randomly for approx 30 mins - 1 hour will get you there. Go through the door & you are in a strange, cold snowy environment but to your left there is a log cabin with a table outside. You can't go anywhere else in the environment as it's just scenery. On top there is a potted lemon tree & a recipe book. Take the recipe book & pick 2 lemons - they have a strange glow about them. Examine recipe book & notice one for BBQ herring......

You her a loud ringing sound!

>look around

You look around and see the environment is fading. After a while it's pitch dark with just a small white blob in the the middle of your view range.

>open eyes

You open your eyes and see a computer monitor right in front of you. The screen is blue and there's some gibberish on the screen about system failures and so on.

>look computer

You look at the computer and you see a CD-rom was ejected, the title on it is The Infinite Repeat of Themes.. You hear the mail man at your letterbox. You leave the white house and you stand before the letter box.

>_



Bernard

> there's somthing stucccckkkk in it. Mmmm - I think it's the next installment - how do I retrieve it! (do I really want too! )
>...

In your pocket you find (miraculously) a bottle with a little olive oil and a test tube with a saliva sample.

>Combine olive oil and saliva

You now have a greasy liquid.

>Use greasy liquid on letter box.

The letter box opens and you find a computer disk, wrapped in sealskin with a skull and bones symbol on it. You notice that it came from ConTemplar.Inc.com. Do you open it?

Open the box... a Templar voice is heard... "Who dares to enter enter my domain?" You think this voice is familiar but from where?

Hi

Are you all in the same ward ??



Cheers.

Mad

In the letter box there's a package.

>take package

You take the package.

>open package

You open the package and you see there's an orb inside. The orb shows an old man with a beard. The picture is very unstable. Maybe you need new batteries.

>enter house

You're in the hallway. You can go South, East or Outside the house.

>_


Bernard

Go east... Hear a squeeky sound from above...

We shut the box for a mo & concentrate on the sealskin cover. Use the magnifying glass & find something to use the swab with - it's DNA & matches that of a recently unearthed skeleton believed to be one of the lost Knights Templar who is now 'resting' templararily in an archaeological institute in California. The sealskin with skull & crossbones is puzzling because it was something made by pirates in the 16th century to 'house' throbies (made out of small circles of flint) which were used for a game - similar to playing frisbie only more lethal (& often fatal) as they were sharp .....

I don't think so!

Hi

If you had been, I was thinking I might visit - grapes, flowers, the whole thing, you know ??

But then again, I dread to think what use my gifts might be put to - and of course there's also the risk of infection

Cheers.

Mad

Are you sure chrissie? Didn't you meet that good looking blue skinned nurse by now? The ways she takes your temperature are amazing!
Back to the game now:

You're in front of the stairs, you can go Up or West.

>_


Bernard

>go up

You go up. The squeaking noise is becoming louder.

>look up at ceiling

There is a large dark mass stuck to the ceiling

>prod dark mass with broom

Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

>PROD DARK MASS WITH BROOM

Ok, Ok. You prod the dark mass. It gurgles. Now look what you've done.

>Run away

No, it's too late for that....

>_

You slowlly start to walk the stairs... It's dark up here... The walls are full of paintings from the previous owners of the house... There is a long hall with a lot of doors... You try the first one The door was locked and the key is from the inside. Look at keyhole

It's quite safe Mad, didn't like to mention earlier that we're each confined to our own padded cell.(stigma & all that) We were all kidnapped by this big publisher that wanted to make his mark on the AG genre (but he's got no ideas himself but will ultimately take the credit) There's this big screen on the wall you can't reach & some bouncy soft controls - all we have to do between us is to come come up with the ideas to make the ultimate Adventure Game. How are we doing?

You look at the keyhole and you a red eye gleaming at you! That's not a key, it's an albino mouse!

>inv

You are carrying 3 item(s):
A needle, a ruler and a piece of brie.

>_



Bernard

Hi

"all we have to do between us is to come come up with the ideas to make the ultimate Adventure Game. How are we doing?"

I'd stay with the treatment a while longer

Cheers.

Mad

Glad you enjoyed it Bernard! - she wasn't my type! & I can't believe you were fooled by that old 'taking the temperature trick' - naughty boy!

Okay back to game:
> if you look closely it's a clockwork mouse with infrared eyes - they don't look quite right to me .............

(I'm wondering why game developers need such a long time to produce a new AG, aren't you?)

>look keyhole again

You notice it's not his right eye you're looking at, it's it left eye!

>_



Bernard

Well, you can take all the time in the world if you've got hostages who dearly want to be free - much cheaper than paying a development team.

>Okay we've got a needle, a ruler & a piece of brie. We can try the brie but no - it doesn't work. You try the needle but you get an electric shock & the ruler doesn't fit through the keyhole. I think we need the right eye.......... maybe that gurgling dark mass might help?

Wasn't there something in the bible about a camel and an eye of a needle?

>use needle with brie

Some brie settled in the eye of the needle.

>use needle with keyhole

The mouse is threading itself through the eye, while doing this the tail moves the tumblers of the lock. The door is unlocked now!

>open door

You open the door and you see a scared beta tester sitting on the floor.

>_


Bernard

He has a gun and some granades on him... He is hunting bugs...

(This is getting to be the most ridiculous thread here! )

>give ruler to beta tester.

He gratefully accepts your ruler and immediately starts to make some calculations. He drops his gun and the grenades.

>take gun and grenades

You take the weapons and a big grin is showing on your face. Now you're armed and dangerous!

>_



Bernard

Go back where you saw the black mass thing on the sealing... Start shooting at it... You now realize that it is a pigniata... Rotten eggs are falling like rain

>take eggshells

You pick up the eggshells.

>go downstairs

You go downstairs and you decide to never go upstairs again because the stench is overwhelming! You're back in the hallway again, there are exits to the South or the Outside.

>_


Bernard

>Go South.

You go through the southern door and find yourself at the entrance to a carnival. Taking tickets is someone dressed as a clown.

>inv

A gun, eggshells and a receipt for a pirate ship. Where'd that come from?

>Talk to clown.

You tell the clown that you don't have a ticket -- would a receipt for a pirate ship do?

She accepts the receipt.

"Wait a minute," you say. "Your voice sounds just like Nancy Drew! So many characters seem to sound just like Nancy!"

"Well, actually, I AM Nancy Drew," the clown tells you.

"Then...your hair is red?" you inquire, leaning closer to her. " And I've always wanted to see your face -- could you remove some of the makeup?"

"I'm here in disguise," says Nancy. "The red hair is a wig. Not even I know what I look like, since my reflection never shows up in mirrors."

She hands you a glowing green crystal with the words "Time Tracker" imprinted in the bottom. "I think you'll find this helpful," she says.

Enter the carnival & notice two arcade games machines. The first is free - it's a fox & hound game. After an hour you finally win - what? oh no? you have to repeat this another 3 times to win. Use gun on machine to get 5 cents. Use one of them on the next machine, play & win a packet of chewing gum.....

Open chewing gum - there is a gold ticket inside with writing on it ..

>read ticket

You read the gold ticket. It says "Congratulations, this ticket is worth one pound of fresh minced meat at your local butcher Jack the Kipper!"
Suddenly you feel a little sick!

>_



Bernard

Enter butcher shop.

You greet Butcher Jack who, as it turns out, is a giant fish. "I've never been served fish before. I mean, I've never been served by a fish before," you stutter.

The fish smiles loftily. "I am no ordinary 'fish.' I am a descendant of the fabled Atlanteans. It is our bounden duty to find Atlantis and return it to its long-lost glory."

You wonder what he's doing in a butcher shop, but decide it would be impolite to ask.

>Give ticket to fish.

Insufficient information

>Give gold ticket to Jack the Kipper

You hand the gold ticket to the Fish Butcher of Fleet Street. As your hand brushes his fin, suddenly the fin begins to smoke.

"ARGHGHGH!" says Jack. "Your hand has been in contact with a Time Tracker! The Templars now know where I am!"

"Woa is me! Farewell, cold, cruel world!" He dissolves into a large puddle of fish paste. Inside the puddle is a device that looks like a TV remote and a treasure map with a large X at the center.

>

>take remote control and map.

You take the remote and the map, they smell fishy.

>examine remote control

You take a good look at the control, you see it's not a remote control but a mobile phone. The display isn't functioning.

>use green crystal with phone

You use the green crystal with the phone. The green crystal appears to be liquid and flows into the display! The phone is working again and the LCD shows the right time.

>use phone

You type a random number on the keyboard and press the call button. There's a bright flash.

>_



Bernard

Your boss answers the phone... "where have you been?" He says... "The FBI needs you... Hows the mission going? Did you learn anything about the missing scientist?"

You asked "what did the missing scientist look like?" and are told that she is a lovely lady with pointed teeth who has a trunk with little legs with her. Then the connection breaks up.
You think - The FBI oh, no they have found out my terrible secret and that is why they wanted a DNA sample!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> reply boss

You answer his questions with a lot of yes's and no's and disconnect.
A man in a white robe with a strange red cross embroidered on it walks towards you. He looks like a young James Bond. He says: "Hello, can I help you? By the way, my name is Simon". Before you can respond an other man in a red dress and pointy red hat on his head approaches. He says: "Hi, I'm Simon too".

>_


Bernard

You must now find out who the real Simon is so you can go on with your investigation... You think that it might help if you get a DNA sample from both of them so you can match it in the systems database (a lot of Simons in there)...

You guys are the best

>talk to first Simon

You open your mouth to ask the templar some questions, but before you can utter a word another figure enters the room. He looks as he has been constructed with cardboard boxes. He's shouting "Set Simon free!". One second later another guy enters enters, he's carrying a sign that says "Simon for pre....". You wonder what this means. Another fool enters, he looks like the last one, are they twins? He shows a big piece of paper. There's some writing on the paper, "Order Now!"
In the distance you hear a dog barking, mixed up with some laughter.

>talk to first Simon again

You ask what he's doing here. His answer is "Well you know, I'm no Saint, I'm just here for fun, gambling and beautiful women!"
You look around and see you're at the Luxor gambling palace!

>what the h...?

Parser Error: No swearing allowed!

>_


Bernard

Inv - Eggshells & 4 cents.
Go to the bar & buy 1st Simon a Martini - shaken, not stirred. (Happy hour - only 1 cent per drink ) He takes the drink & you watch him join in the roulette table. Approach the 'cardboard' guy & ask him what he means by 'set Simon free'. He explains that there is a guy in Alcatraz currently incarcerated for a crime he did not do - mmm - nothing to do with 'our' Simons then.....?

Approach the guy carrying the sign 'Simon for pre: 'Simon Says' Tuition now'. Ask him about it. He tells you he is only advertising & you have to talk to his 'mate'. You do that & find that he is flogging a very user friendly colour-coded gamepad & if you 'order now' you will get a free tutorial CD.

Go back to the roulette table & pick up empty martini glass - should now be able to check for DNA.......

>go bar

You go back to the bar.

>use martini glass with bartender

He says, "That glass is empty Sir, do you want another martini?"
You answer, "Yes please, a dry martini, twisted no Kraken!"
The bartender hands you the refilled glass, there's an odour of almonds.

>look map

You look at the map and you see it's a layout of the casino. The cross is probably marking one of the one-armed bandits.

>_


Bernard

I'm stuck now but I know not to drink that martini!

>use map

Using the map you find the marked slot machine. There's an old lady inserting coin after coin.

>talk to old lady

You ask the old lady to go play another machine. She just looks at you with a disgruntled face and keeps on playing.

>examine old lady

She looks to be English, she's wearing a dress with some old lace touches. She's wearing a name tag that reads Miss Marple.

>offer martini to old lady

She takes the glass and sniffs for a while. She looks you straight into the eyes. "Well thank you young man, I can really use this!" She waves at a man dressed like a penguin and yells "Hercule,I have something for you." She walks away.

>use slot machine

You don't have the right coins, but your phone starts to vibrate and a moment later the slot machine also.

>_


Bernard

Use phone.

>Enter number.

You can't really think of a number. Don't most games use 555 and something else?

>5550000

A time vortex sweeps through the casino. You and the slot machine are swept into it. For awhile all you see are flashing, colorful lights. Then you and the slot machine arrive on a dusty road.

You look around and see that you are near a market place. Many tables are strewn with goods, and you can hear the buzz of voices. Someone dressed like a Roman Legionnaire stands guard at the entrance.

>

>use slot machine

You pull the handle of the slot machine, some coins fall into the tray.

>take coins

You take the coins.

>examine coins

You take a closer look at the coins, they look as if they're old and made of gold. They must be genuine because the year they're made is on them, 431 B.C.
What to do now? The legionnaire says "When in Rome..."

>_


Bernard

>talk to weird guy in skirt

Do not understand command

>talk to Roman Legionnaire

The Roman Legionnaire eyes you severely. "Hello, we're the Romans", he informs you. He sounds like Mickey Mouse. He hands you a roll of parchment. "You are our new messenger sent to assist us, yes? Please take this parchment to The Hobbled Crone at the foot of Mount Cesar."

>look at parchment

The parchment is covered in strange writing that you do not recognise.

>_

>save game

GAME SAVED

>translate parchment

Indicate languages, i.e., from German to English

>talk to Roman Legionnaire in funny skirt

The Roman Legionnaire, aware that you have just insulted his uniform, beheads you with one mighty swipe of his sword.

YOU HAVE DIED

POINT TOTAL: 345 Zorkmids

STATUS: CUBICLE LOWLIFE

>

Game Over... Please Insert coin to continue...
Put one of the coins and retry talking to the man

>talk to charming, immaculately dressed Roman Legionnaire

The Roman Legionnaire beams at you.

"Who is the Hobbled Crone at the foot of Mount Cesar?" you ask tentatively.
"The Hobbled Crone is a crone who is a bit hobbled. You will most likely find her smoking a pipe on the rotten tree stump by the side of the Dusty Path leading to Mount Cesar"

>ask for a paper and pencil so that you can make notes

Please rephrase your question

>oh never mind, I'll try and remember

Thank you for your co-operation

>_

>talk to charming, handsome Roman Legionnaire

The Roman Legionnaire winks at you.

"What language is this on the parchment?" you ask.

"That is ancient D'ni, I believe," says the Legionnaire. "A language no man can read unless he's first explored the caverns beneath the yet-to-be-discovered desert."

>translate parchment from D'ni to English

Translation: "The people grew restive and demanded that another Age be written -- one that would have trees of diamond, and odd-fish creatures of ruby, and gazebos of pure gold. Guild Master Be'oa'in discussed the matter in council with the King, who had, alas, grown corrupt and corpulent. "Why don't they ask for ovens for cooking the perfect soufflé?" asked the King. "I can't be expected to link there unless I can find a decent meal."

>

So back to cooking again...

Don't recognize

>examine parchment

You notice on the parchment a small window. In the window is an overhead view looking down over a dusty road with a woman sitting on a rotten tree stump. She is completely veiled. A pipe, with smoke wafting lazily in the breeze can be seen emerging from the veil over her face.

>touch small window

You are transported to the scene you observed in the window.

>

> talk to woman

You ask the woman who she is. "my name is Aijov the bee-holder, dear. Do you want some honey?"

>say yes

She starts flapping her ears and a dark cloud is approaching. The cloud surrounds you and the buzzing sound deafens you. Suddenly the bees cover your entire body. A few seconds later they fly away.
You're completely covered with honey now.

>_



Bernard

> You say to the woman "You are not the Hobbled Crone at the foot of Mount Cesar?" She says "no, that is my twin sister, to find her just follow the path towards the mountain" You look & see a mountain up ahead. You follow the path until you come to the foot of the mountain & you see another veiled woman resting against a tree smoking a pipe.
> Talk to woman. Ask her if she is The Hobbled Crone at the foot of Mount Cesar. She replies in an angry high-pitched gruff voice (like a man mimicking a woman) "Who are you calling a robber & I haven't got an Aunt Sheila so how would I know whether I looked like her or not!"
Take the parchment from inventory & roll it into a cone shape. Use on woman & ask her again. "Aah" she says calmly but in the same irritating voice "you must be the messenger - have you got something for me? " You hand her the 'cone' shaped parchment. She unwraps it & reads it & then says "Oh, that good for nothing lazy king - all he thinks about is his stomach. I've already given him my wok, sandwich maker, rice cooker & fondue set & he's still not satisfied. Seems that the only way we're ever going to get a new age written is to include those darn souffle ovens, unless..........

The clouds in the sky are blown away by the wind, a fool moon is showing now. "That's strange at the middle of the day!"
The woman transforms into a werebear, it puts her nose in the wind and seems to smell something. "Oh no, the honey!"
The werebear walks towards you......

>use egg shells with bear

The bear looks at the egg shells and steps back. It's in shell shock!

>say boom!

The bear runs away screaming, dropping a picnic basket and a camera.

>take basket and camera

Camera and basket taken.

>examine camera

The camera is an Olympus of the type Zeus.

>_



Bernard

>examine picnic basket

You examine the picnic basket. Inside is a fine repast fit for a King, and a bottle of Chateau Latour 1961

>oh BOY! Drink Chateau Latour 1961

No, it's for the King, can't you read?

>inv

Inventory: 5 item(s)
Roman coins, picnic basket, a repast fit for a King, bottle of Chateau Latour 1961, camera

>go South

You head back to the market arena. The stallholders are beginning to pack up their wares, it's the end of a long day. You have nowhere to sleep tonight. It is getting cold.

>_

>look around

You look around and you see a stable to the west.

>go west

You enter the stable, there are two people there. You greet the couple. The man says "Hi, we're the Carpenters, are you a wise man?"

>say yes

You confirm you are a wise man. He asks you about gifts.

>give cold coins

The man smiles and tells you that you're really a wise man and that you're welcome. He points at a manger and says "Meet our newborn son Brian."

>ask to stay for the night

The man responds "Yeah, okay, you can sleep next to the donkey." You ask if that's not really smelly. The man says the donkey will have to get used to it.

>_



Bernard

The Carpenters keep you awake all night, singing their golden hits of yesteryear.

In the morning you are bleary-eyed from lack of sleep. You are covered in donkey hair. You have a headache from all that music.

>exit

You exit the stable. The Carpenters are sitting by a briskly crackling fire, cooking sausages. They smile at you, perhaps they are after more money.

>_

>use camera on yourself

You take a picture of yourself, when you look at the display you see that your eyes are really red. Fortunately the camera has a red eye correction tool. You use the tool and you see your eyes look OK again. The name Zeus on the camera intrigues you, could it be a code?

>use phone

You have the phone in your hand.

>dial 555-9387 and press connect

Again you're caught in a vortex, when you can see clearly again, you see you're at the top of a mountain, there's a man creating thunderbolts. It reminds you of the time you accidently left your fork in the microwave oven.

>_



Bernard

"Are you Vulcan?" you ask the man creating the thunderbolts. He turns to you, spreads his hand in an odd gesture and says: "Live long, and prosper."

>Take picture of Live Long and Prosper.

Insufficient information.

>Take picture of Vulcan.

Don't recognize Vulcan.

>Take picture of Spock.

Don't recognize Spock.

>Take picture of Zeus.

The universe implodes.

YOU HAVE DIED. SO HAS EVERYONE ELSE.

POINT TOTAL: 423 Zorkmids

STATUS: Ultimate Villain

Baffled you look at your monitor, what caused this unexpected ending?
The credits role by, Suddenly the screen goes blank and a new message appears!

You're in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. The waiter asks you what you want to order.

>order a burger, a glass and a corkscrew

After 15 minutes the waiter serves you the order.

>use corkscrew with bottle of wine

The corkscrew does what it has to do, it screws up the cork.

>_



Bernard

Examine screwed up cork.

The cork now resembles the letter "Z." You wonder, is someone trying to tell you something? You gesture for the waiter, but he has left the room. Instead, a waitress comes to your table. She has blue skin, green hair and a perky smile.

"Can I help you?" she asks.

You hold up the cork shaped like a Z. "Does this happen to all the corks in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe?" you ask.

"I think you need to speak to Zeus," she responds.

"You mean -- Zeus survived that implosion?"

"I think he said that he saw it coming and ducked," says the waitress, who for some reason sounds exactly like Nancy Drew.

"Nancy?" you ask quietly.

"Don't blow my cover" she whispers. She resumes her normal tone. "I recommend that you give Zeus the cork. He's in the kitchen. Meanwhile, here's your check." The check, when she hands it to you, seems oddly heavy.

>

Oh boy, no more money and a check with a hefty charge. How are you going to cope with that? You could run out of the restaurant and flee, but you don't have a spacecraft!

>enter kitchen

You enter the kitchen, there's a cook. He looks like Zeus, but this man is really sweaty!

>use wine with cook

You pour the wine on the cook. He thanks you for the refreshment and gives you a thumbs up.

>take thumbs

You grab the thumbs and run out of the restaurant.

>use thumb with passing space-yacht

The yacht stops and beams you aboard. The captain says his name is Nemo and he asks you where you want to go.

>_


Bernard

I pity any poor fool who would try writing a walkthrough for this bonkers game.

You have now the following options to answer to Nemo....
1) Atlantis
2) Egypt
3) Prague
4) England

>answer Prague

He asks you if it's a city on that third rock from the sun. Yes!
I can take you there, it's one of the few places that isn't destroyed when the Intergalactic Highway was constructed. He starts to play his organ, it sounds a little weird. As he stops playing he looks up to you and says he will beam you down now.

You're on a bridge in Prague, there's a painter painting a portrait. There are statues on both sides of the bridge.

>_



Bernard

Examine the right most statue... You were ready to go when suddenly you realize there is something written on the base of the statue... You look now more carefully and you read "George was here" and below that "so's Nicole"...
Try to turn the statue.... Turn in once. Go now to the left statue and do the same... Suddenly a hole is open in the middle of the bridge and a spiral staircase starting to show up...

Go down????

>talk to painter

You approach the painter. "Good evening. I'm looking for a lady named Barbleorbera, I believe she may have passed this way?"

The painter pauses in mid brush-stroke. "Now, what would you be wanting with sweet Barbleorbera? Does she owe you money?"

"No, she doesn't owe me money," you reply, "but I'd be perfectly willing to accept some. I'm a bit broke at the moment."

At that very moment, a tall lady in a red ballgown and flowing black satin cape swishes over the bridge towards you.

>wave to Barbleorbera

The lady ignores you.

>jump up and down and gesticulate madly to Barbleorbera

The lady backs away with an expression of fear on her face. Just what are you trying to do here?

>_

Hmmm..., it was just another lady in red!

>go down

You head towards the opening but the heat and the scent of sulphur stops you. "Yeah, I will go down...., when hell freezes over!"

>talk to painter

"Could you lend me your ear?" He answers "Sure I can, I just cut it off!" He hands over the ear.

>use ear with sky

First there's a moment of silence, then you here "I've got a message for you big boy."

>look behind you

Behind you is the lady in red, she gives you a telegram.

>_



Bernard

>Examine telegram.

The telegram is yellow, with faint printing on it. Across the top you see the words: "Frobozz Pony Express: For When Your Message Absolutely, Positively MUST Get Through!"

>Read telegram.

"Dear AFGNCAAP:

Proceed immediately to Port Foozle. Do not pass Go. Do not stop to play Go. Do not speak to Vincent van Gogh. Tell Jack that I said hello when you see him."

>Talk to lady in red.

"How do I get to Port Foozle?" you ask her.

She hands you a 3D laser diagram full of intricate paths, dastardly machinery and colorful symbols.

"Here is a map of RHEM," she says. "Port Foozle is on the other side. A train leaves for there in half an hour.

There is a glint of mischief in her eye.

>

>use laser diagram with Vincent.

He replies "Starry, starry nights! I've seen this before, a singer showed me be had done me clean. Go the graveyard in the land of OS."

>Go graveyard

You walk towards the graveyard, behind you, you hear Vincent hum "Bye bye, Miss American pie."
You're at the gates of the graveyard, there's a gravedigger.

>talk to gravedigger

The gravedigger says his name is Bill and keeps on digging.

>look tombstones

On the tombstones are some weird names: Commodore, Mac, Apricot, Pineapple, Acorn, Sinclair, Amiga and so on and so on....
There's an apple tree.

>pick apple

You take a nice fresh, juicy apple.

>offer apple to Bill

Bill looks at you with disgust in his eyes. "Please throw that away, I don't like apples!". You realize this is not only a gravedigger but a grave robber as well!

>_



Bernard

> Ask Bill about trashcan

"What? In a graveyard?" says Bill. "I don't care, just throw it in that well over there!"

> Throw apple in well

The well is too far away.

> Go to well.

You are standing in a graveyard, next to an old well. You cannot see the bottom. To the south is Bill and a large apple tree.

> Throw apple in well

Done.

>inv

Your increasingly schizophrenic inventory currently contains: 2 disemboweled red herrings, a piece of cork, a pocket sword, a maxed gold credit card, the head of Medusa, a bottle opener, a pair of glasses, a dusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oil, a burnt cork, a thorn, a charred whip, a hat, a small piece of tin foil, a disposable BBQ tray, a clipper lighter, a recipe book, 2 lemons, a computer disk, an orb, a miraculous magnifying glass you pulled out of thin air from somewhere on page 3, an equally magical broom, a needle, a piece of brie, a gun with 2 bullets remaining, some grenades, 3 cents, a chewing gum packet, a mobile phone, and a map.

>Save game

Game saved.

>Throw herring into well

I don't understand "herring"

>Throw red herring into well

You have 2 red herrings. How many do you throw?

> 2

You throw the 2 red herrings into the well.

> throw cork into well

You throw the piece of cork into the well.

> Throw inventory into well

I don't understand "inventory"

> Throw everything into well.

I don't understand "everything"

> Throw anything into well

I don't understand "anything"

> Haha.

I don't understand "Haha"

> Throw all items into well

You throw the entire contents of your inventory into the well. After a few moments you begin to wonder if that was a good idea. Then, slowly, a beautiful woman rises up out of the middle of the well. She is holding a bronze credit card.

"Is this yours?" she asks.

>no

The woman holds up a silver credit card. "Is this yours?"

>no

"Well then, at least you're honest." The woman holds up a gold credit card. "Is this yours?"

> yes

"I don't like liars!" the woman shouts, and disappears.

> _

This thread has been completely hilarious!

Bill quietly sneaks into the scene. He whispers "What are you?" You answer you're an eXperienced Player. He tells you he has a special drug for you, called Special Pill 3. Ït's the last time we made a cure for people like you!" he says.

>accept pill

You take the pill from Bill
"You like tough adventures, don't you?" You nod your head. He gives you a shiny, round silver disc, the word Vysta is printed on it. He walks away mumbling: "Well, this must be our farewell, I hope you feel well here at the well, I'll send you the bill later!"

>examine disc

You study the disc, there's a hole in the middle, some bugs are creeping out. You get mesmerized by the colours the disc is reflecting. You are sucked into the hole. Slooooooooooowly you are travelling through time and space. Hours later you gain conscience again, you're in a snowy, icy landscape. A strange looking dog(?) is barking at you.

>_


Bernard

>save game

Unable to comply.

>save game within game

GAME WITHIN GAME SAVED

>use head of Medusa on dog

You no longer carry head of Medusa.

>pat dog

The dog's name is not Pat.

>give dog a pat

You no longer carry a Pat.

>Never mind

You are now in Never World. Since a never mind created it, there are no rules and nothing actually exists.

>exit never mind

Not so fast. You still have something to accomplish in the Never World.

>

A robot is standing behind you, he looks to be injured. He speaks softly :"IIII'mmmmm tttthhhee Llloorrrddd Oooo'Ssscccaarrrrssss." He offers you a key.

>use key with robot

The robot turns around and you insert the key into his back.

>turn key

You turn the key a few times and the robot is starting to move quicker!

He turns around again and smiles at you. "Hi there, I'm an automaton not a robot, my name is Lord O'Scars. Are you willing to do something for me? I'm in a hurry, you know, I have a train to catch!" He hands you an envelope. "Could you post this for me?" You take the envelope. The Lord O'Scars runs away. You hear the sound of a train in the distance.

>examine envelope

Somebody wrote "Return to sender." on it.

>use disc with envelope

You put the disc in the envelope.

>use dog with envelope

The envelope is sealed now. One thing remains to be done: deliver the letter.

>_



Bernard

Deliver letter.

Please specify recipient.

>Deliver letter to I don't know.

YOU HAVE DIED FROM A LACK OF IMAGINATION. Just kidding. Try again.

>Deliver letter to Antharia Jack.

Antharia Jack lives in another world -- no can do.

>Deliver letter to Jack the Kipper.

Jack the Kipper lives in the Underworld -- no can do.

>Deliver letter to ghost of dead pirate.

Jack Sparrow lives in Hollywood -- no can do.

>Deliver letter to Vincent van Gogh.

Which version of Vincent van Gogh?

>Never World Vincent van Gogh.

There are 313 versions of Vincent van Gogh in the Never World. Specify which one.

>Deliver letter to Vincent van Gogh Action Figure.

The scene around you changes. No longer are you shivering with the cold. You are in a city at night. Light spills from the windows and doors of nearby buildings. Above you, the stars are white swirls with gold centers. The Vincent Van Gogh action figure is standing in front of you. He has a palette in one hand, and an extra head (bandage over missing ear) in the other.

>

>talk to Vincent

You start to talk to Vincent. He looks at you bewildered and you realise he doesn't speak English, only Dutch and French!

>talk to Vincent in Dutch

"Hallo Vincent oude makker van me, hoe gaat het?"
("Hello Vincent old pal, how are you doing?")

Vincent: "Niet zo goed jongen, ik ben bang dat ik m'n verstand aan het kwijtraken ben!"
("Not so good boy, I'm afraid I'm loosing my mind!")

You: "Hoe kan dat nou gebeuren?"
("How is it possible that's happening?")

Vincent: "Ik ben bang dat ik wat teveel absint heb gedronken, ik zie 's nachts alleen nog maar sterren en overdag alleen maar van die akelige gele bloemen."
("I'm afraid I did drink too much Absinthe and now at night I only see stars and at daytime just these ugly, yellow flowers.")

>give envelope to Vincent

He takes the envelope, opens it and takes out the disc. He examins the disc and looks at you. "Wat kan ik daar nou in vredesnaam mee doen?"
("For crying out loud, what is this good for?")
You: "Het is een kans op een beter toekomst, Vincent."
("It's a window of opportunity, Vincent.")

He looks at you in disbelief and hands you a painting, you look at it, it's a painting of stars above a French landscape. You can not take your eyes off it! Your eyelids are getting heavy, before you fall asleep you think "This is going to be a Mysterious Journey!"

You're asleep now.

>_



Bernard

You are having a nightmare... You see your self in an empty dark corridor which reminds you that you haven't been to your house for days... There is a trembling light at the end of the corridor... You start walking to it... A voice in your head tells you not to follow the light but it's very beautful and you can't resist...

When you are close to the light you see that you are in an old abandon ship reck... Some words are written on the right wall...

>read words on wall

The words on the wall read: "Here I sit, broken-hearted, paid 2p and only.." - Oh dear, you appear to be in the ship's latrine. Are you really sure you want to be here?

>no

You'd better move then.

>exit ship's latrine

That's better. You are now on deck. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and there's land ahoy. On the beach sits an old sailor, sporting a look of befuddlement. He is looking directly at you.

>_

You think that it is better to visit the latrine now!

>go latrine

You enter the toilet
.................................
...................................
.....................................


Half an hour later you come out, relieve is written all over your face. Geez..., it was the first time in days had a change to do this!

>go back to old sailor

He's still there, looking at you.

>_



Bernard

You examine the sailor from the distance... He has one glass eye and another one in his hand... On his right arm he has a tatoo with the word "mum"... Could this be a clue? You decide to go and look closer... Mmmmm he is whistling a song... Now where do you heard this before????

>wave to sailor

The sailor waves back. That's encouraging, isn't it? You appear to have stopped terrifying strangers.

>ask sailor for help

What kind of help?

>help getting back to shore

Can't you swim? Paddle? Splash frantically till your feet hit sand?

>......

Don't sulk, you are an adventurer, you have to do these kinds of things.

>jump overboard into sea

You jump overboard. You are so brave. *ruffles hair*

>_

Join in with us, AquariaJade! The more the merrier.

The sailor pulls you back on board, "Not so hasty lad, we have some dealing to do first."

>talk to sailor

You ask the sailor "Mum is the word isn't it?"

"Yes indeed it is mate, in my profession you don't want anyone yapping! What do you want to buy? I have CD's, DVD's and even cartridges for console computers."
You realize this must be a software pirate, what to do now?

In the North another ship appears, it's coming towards you very fast. When it's about 200 yards away the ship comes to a halt.

>look ship

Oh boy, this is not JUST a ship, it's a CENSOR SHIP!

>_



Bernard

>You take some rope from the deck and tie yourself hoping they will think you got captured by the pirates.
The censor ship gets closer and a slim guy wearing a monocle steps overboard followed by an army of fat scary looking fellows.

The pirate asks for an ID

>Look at ID

>_


Hi all

Welcome to loony land iva...

Hey iva, good to see you here.

<hand over ID

You hand over your ID. The nutcase with the monocle examines it and scowls.

"What is the meaning of this?"

Your carefully forged ID card bears a photograph of Winnie the Pooh and the name of Prince Tutankhamen. Well, you didn't think anybody would care to look that closely. Banzai, sucker!!!

You are clapped in irons and chains. And rope. More rope. Any ideas, Houdini?

>cry?

You are a big wuss.

>wriggle?

Wriggling will only make the bonds that much tighter. You are still a big wuss.

>_

Go on diet.

Interesting, but too slow.

>Tap dance.

The deck begins to vibrate.

>

How will you get an ID!!!!!!!

You think for a while, suddenly you have an idea....

>use idea with censor

You whisper the idea to censor. He replies "What the {beeeeeeeeeeeeep}! Who gave you that {beeeep}, {beeeeeeeeeeeeep} idea?"
The censor is censoring himself too!

The censor unties you and you go aboard the censor ship.

To the sailor the censor says he will erase the ship, the sailor and everything. The message will self destroy in 10 seconds.

The censor and his crew go back to the censor ship and sail away, seconds later the pirate ship disappears in the sea.

>look censor ship

Taking a closer look at the deck of the censor ship you see huge fires that spit a lot of smoke into the air, big horns beeping almost all the time and fat men walking around with scissors in their hands.

>_



Bernard

and the next thing you know you find yourself in an open field west of a big white house with a boarded front door.
There is a small mailbox here. Figures they'd know how to get to Zork!!

> N

You walk north into the forest. It's beginning to get darker.

> W

You walk west and find an old aztec ruin. The sun is going down fast now.

> examine ruin

It's just a run-of-the-mill aztec ruin. There's a small goat standing at the top.

The sky is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

> E

You blunder blindly into the forest.

> S

You have been eaten by a grue. The world goes dark. You have received 3 points out of a possible 1,729.

You wake up with a start and find yourself lying next to a large painting. Vincent van Gogh is looking at you with concern.

> _

"oh no" you think to yourself do I have to cut off an ear to get out of this??

"Vincent!" you cry plaintively, "Please tell me... what on earth is a grue?"

Vincent looks at you with a benevolent expression. Half his teeth are missing, he has a bulbous wart on the end of his nose. From origins such as this are great painters made.

Vincent furrows his brow. "Uhhhhhh..."

>is there anyone alive who knows what a grue is?

Don't ask me, blame Demosthenes for bringing that one in.

>ok, forget the grue. Examine painting.

You forget the grue and examine the painting.

>_

> what is a grue?

The grue is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of the earth. Its favorite diet is adventurers, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light. No grue has ever been seen by the light of day, and few have survived its fearsome jaws to tell the tale.

> Thanks.

I don't understand "Thanks."

You wonder how it's possible that Vincent suddenly understands English!

>examine painting

It's a painting of big, yellow flowers, you fall asleep again. This time you wake up on another ship.

>look ship

The ship is called The Sunflower. The look-out cries land in sight!

You look at the land, Indians and turkeys are on the beach cheering and waving.

>_



Bernard

Simultaneous Post.

Don't recognize simultaneous post.

[[[[[[Plucked from some other universe and no longer applicable) The painting is of a vase with sunflowers. Reflected in the vase you can just make out what appears to be a can of Grue Repellent.

>Talk to Vincent.

"Where were you when you painted this painting?" you ask.

Vincent asks for a translation into Dutch or French. You use hand gestures to get across what you need (you think). Vincent nods. "The Bistro ala Aztec" he says.]]]]]]

>Never mind.

Been there, done that.

>Talk turkey

Gobble Gobble Runaway! Runaway! Runaway!

>

The ship drops his anchors, together with the crew you go aboard a small rowing boat.
They row the boat to the beach. When you leave the boat a little shiver goes up an down your back.
Your split personalities fused.

An Indian offers you a nice wig, you ask him where you can find Le Bistro à l'Aztec. He points to the south west. You ask if it's far away, the Indian nods.

>go SW

There's a KFT here.

>enter KFT

You enter the KFT and order a bucket of turkey wings.

>use wings

You use the wings and you fly up into the sky.

>go SW

You keep on flying until your arms are to tired, you land on a clearing in the woods.

>_



Bernard

>eat the turkey wings

You cannot be serious. You've just been flapping them in high altitude for the past 30 minutes.

>don't care, I'm hungry and I want turkey wings

On your own head be it

>eat the turkey wings

You eat the turkey wings. Now you have no means of return transport. You are a big twit.

>oh rats

There are no rats here

>look

You are in a clearing in the woods. I cannot elaborate any further. Why don't you do some exploring, you lazy numbskull?

>_

>N

You walk north. You are standing in a small clearing. In the distance you can hear a waterfall. At your feet you're startled to discover an old, dusty skeleton. It looks like the poor soul was eaten by grues.

Nearby is an old battered lantern.

>Take Lantern

You pickup the lantern.

>Look at lantern

A standard oil lantern. It's out of fuel.

>Look at lantern again

An Esso lantern. It's still out of fuel.

>Look at lantern again

An Exxon lantern. Believe it or not, it's still out of fuel.

>REM Nice blinking prompt Demosthenes!!!!

REMARK made.

>_



Bernard

REM How does he do that blinking prompt? Oh, and I liked the Dutch translations!

REMARK made.

>_

>REM I guess it's an animated gif Becky.

REMARK made.

>_



Bernard

Talk to lantern.

The lantern flap opens magically. A voice emerges that sounds like a combination of Peter Lorre and Daffy Duck.

"I am NOT a Standard Oil lamp!" says the voice. "Nor am I named after any other business enterprise. Are you TRYING to be insulting?"

>Apologize to lantern.

"Sincere apologies, oh sentient lantern," you say, bowing hastily. "It won't happen again. Err, do you know anything about how yonder skeleton met its sad demise?"

"The place is thick with grues," murmurs the lantern. "And I see someone's been slaying turkeys too. I have many friends who are turkeys. I hope you are sensible enough to have something murderous in your inventory to slay the turkey-killer."

>_ (Tempted to pirate animated gif.)

> I thought I was sensible enough to have something in my inventory but all I have is my wig - I don't mind the ringlets so much but oh pleease - the big pink bow! Nearly all my inventory was thrown down a well a few pages ago I CAN'T PLAY ANYMORE WITHOUT LOTS OF INVENTORY So before I go slay the turkey killer I'm going to collect a few - no, make that lots of things first if you don't mind.
> Look around see small shard of flint - pick it up. Is that a set of ladders over there - yep! I'll have those - pick-up ladders..................

EDIT I have a bow.

REM Feel free to use THIS one Becky!


REMARK made.

> inv

You are carrying 4 item(s):

An empty bucket, a wig, a shard of flint and ladders.





Bernard

>REM Given that the gif is all of .11KB, I don't think I mind if people steal it from me...

REMARK made.

> Pick up lantern

You pick up the lantern you dropped a short time ago for no apparent reason. The lantern grumbles noisily. It's still short on fuel.

> Use flint on lantern

You send random sparks flying into the lantern, but with no oil to light the effort is useless.

You hear something approaching through the shrubbery.

> Throw ladder at shrubbery

You throw the ladders in the general direction of the noise and are gratified to hear a loud thump followed by someone shouting "Ow!"

A moment later you are startled to see an exact duplicate of yourself stumble out of the shrubbery, wearing a ladder and a wig. Your double stops in front of you and hands you a dusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oil. "You're going to need this," your double says. You watch in gratified confusion as your twin wanders off to the West.

>put olive oil in lantern

Um. Okay.

>Light lamp with flint

Olive oil makes a lousy lantern fuel.

>Light lamp with flint or I'll strangle you.

Fortunately for you the lantern is a sentient magic lamp and instantly lights with a strong, steady flame. In the light of the lantern you can now see a path, heading east.

>E

You walk East and are surprised to find yourself standing next to a strangely familiar well. The path continues to the East.

>Save game

Game Saved.

>Look at well

You can't see much, it's too dark.

>Use lantern on well

You throw the lit lantern down the well. You hear a disappointing splash as the lantern hits bottom and goes out. Congratulations.

>Load Game

Are you sure? Y/N

>Y

Game Loaded. You are standing next to a strangely familiar well. A path leads to the east and west.

>Use lantern to light well

You hold the lantern over the well and look down. The well is about four feet deep. At the bottom you see a pile of stuff. In one corner stands a beautiful woman holding a gold credit card.

>Take stuff

Most of this stuff is useless, but you decide to take a pocket sword, 3 cents, a gun with 2 bullets remaining, a dusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oil, a clipper lighter, and a moldy piece of brie.

Delete, delete, delete...

>East

You're at the edge of a cliff. Three yards beneath you, you see a bird's nest with some eggs in it. Those eggs may come in handy! There are some long roots of a tree growing down the edge. You can go west or down.

>use roots to climb down

You climb down the roots until you reach the nest.

>take eggs

When you stretch out your hand to get the eggs, you here a flapping sound. A gigantic bird nears you..!




Bernard

You have on instant idea... "I'll play dead like possums do" and with a little hop you fall down facing the sky... The bird starts thinking that she scares you do death... No food tonight...

You stand up, the bird sees you. It's turning and flies towards you again.




Bernard

You put on the wig with the large pink bow - the bird laughs so much it gets hiccups and floats away. Pick up egg.
Continue down the roots-

You climb down the roots further. You're at the entrance of a cave.

>enter cave

The cave looks like someone lived in here a very long time ago. There's some painting equipment here and a musical instrument.

>use egg with painting equipment

You paint the egg with the old paint pigments. You have an Easter egg now!

>play instrument

You play "Here Comes the Bride" on the old xylophone. You're baffled because nobody appears!!!

Nothing else can be done here, so you leave the cave and climb up the roots until you reach the edge of the cliff.
Exits are to the West and Down.




Bernard

>go West

You go West. Suddenly you hear an almighty kerfuffle behind you. You turn around cautiously. A female grue in a wedding dress is charging in your direction. Meet your new wife.

>No way!!

Yes way.

>throw Easter egg at grue

That's not very friendly, but ok. You throw the Easter egg at the grue in white. It hits her on the forehead, splatters and covers her with yolk. I hope you're satisfied.

>run run run

You run run run until you reach a crossroads. Four paths leading to who knows where. Vultures circle overhead. Flower blossoms wave gently in the warm breeze. Where to now?

>_

West.

You turn west and run down a path between meadows full of clover. Bees buzz around you. Just as you are feeling safe, over a rise comes a middled-aged grue carrying a shotgun. Your future father-in-law! You barely have time to wonder why grues are no longer afraid of sunlight as you turn and run back to the crossroads.

>_

> go North

You see a village hidden between the trees, there are six grues here. They are dressed in different outfits. A cowboy, an Indian, a police officer,a construction worker, a military man and the last one wears a leather outfit. They are singing about young grues staying somewhere and having fun.
Oh no, they are The Village Grues!

You don't want to walk this way, so you return to the crossroads.




Bernard

>wave to the one wearing the leather before you leave

Oh, just stop that.

>go East

You go East. The woods are becoming denser, the path becoming narrower. The branches overhang and converge, making it impossible to progress.

>use pocket sword on branches

You cut through the branches. The dirt path has brushed aside to reveal a winding, curling path of yellow bricks. In the far distance you can see a castle with many turrets. Should we follow the yellow brick road?

>why not

A little enthusiasm, please, otherwise I shall force you to sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow

>Yes, let's please follow the yellow brick road!!

You follow the yellow brick road.

>_

There are some bushes at the side of the road, in one of them you see a pair of eyes glistening. Fear fills your heart, that's a lion, you think! Then a strange looking cat comes out of the bushes. I's black with a white stripe on his back and tail. It looks at you and introduces itself. "Hi there, I'm Pepé Le Pew, what are you doing here?".

>ask about le Bistro à l'Aztec

"I don't know ......................"

You know there's a big but coming. Indeed a woman has walked up to you! "Hi I'm Lay Low, your bride-to-be!"
Is this the same woman as the female grue?
"You look totally different now!" She smiles at you and says "Don't panic this just my stage image."

Pepé sees you're scared and decides to help you, he squirts some bodily fluids onto the grue. The smell is terrible but the grue is dissolving. Seconds later only her red, shiny shoes are left.

>take shoes

You take the red shoes.

>talk to Pepé

"How did you do that?"
"That's one of my little secrets. I don't know where that Bistro is, but I know someone who will. His name is The Wonderful Whizzer. I'll join you on your way there. I have to speak to him also, I have a small BO problem and he might have a cure for it."




Bernard

This saga just makes my day!

You proceed along the yellow brick road. Dancing optional. After a short distance you arrive at a turnstile. Beside the turnstile is a heap of rusty old junk.. no, wait, it appears to be an old automaton. Is it moving?

>examine automaton

You touch the automaton. Its eyes blink, it is trying to talk.

>use olive oil with automaton's mouth

Oh, you're getting good at this now. You apply the olive oil to the automaton's mouth.

"Thank you!" says the automaton, "I am the Lord Osscccaarrrrrrs from a few pages back. I caught my train, but that ungrateful wench kicked me off when I asked for her ticket. I landed in a puddle and now I'm all rusty... waaahhhhhhhhhh"

>comfort Lord Osssccarrrrrssssss

You attempt to comfort Lord Osssccarrrrrrssssss. Eventually he stops sniffling. You apply olive oil to all his rusty joints. He begins to move more freely. Should he join your merry troupe?

>just as long as he doesn't want my ticket

Lord Ossccarrrrrrssss joins your merry troupe. Off you all go again.

>_

The three of you are happily walking down the road again. In a field you see a big donkey grazing. You want to attend them to the huge ass to your companions, but you think of Lay Low and you keep your mouth shut.

>talk to Lord o'Scars

"Hi you, would you mind if I call you Scarface?"

He says he doesn't care, as long as you oil him up and rewind his spring every now and then.

"What's your big problem, Scarface?"
He says he's really self aware about his appearance and he wants an Extreme Makeover. He thinks the Whizzer can do that for him.

The weather is changing, clouds are blocking the light of the sun. It starts to rain.

You walk on, through the rain. Walk on, walk on. You're entering a vineyard, there are crows everywhere! (At last crows! No game can do without them!). There's a scarecrow, tied to a cross shaped wooden construction.

>use pocket sword with scarecrow

You cut the ties of the scarecrow.

>take cross

You take the cross, the scarecrow whimpers "Please don't be cross with me!!"

>talk to scarecrow

"Where are we now?" He answers "These are the vineyards of the Château d'Y, They make the sweetest wines here!" You say that Y is a very short name, he acknowledges it's short, but the owner had no choice, a longer name wouldn't have fitted because the château is very small.

Down the road again!




Bernard

>inv

Your inventory contains an empty bucket, a wig, a shard of flint,
a pocket sword, 3 cents, a gun with 2 bullets remaining, a dusty bottle containing a very small amount of olive oil, a clipper lighter, a moldy piece of brie and a pair of (mostly) red slippers.

>Mostly red?

I'm a text parser, not a doctor. Care to rephrase that in the form of something intelligible?

>Look at shoes

On closer examination, you find that the shoes are actually silver slippers, covered in grue blood.

>Use wig on shoes

You now have one pair of silver slippers, and one (mostly) red wig.

After walking further along the yellow brick road, the path widens out onto a poppy field. Ooo how pretty.

>frolic amongst the poppies

This is an adventure game, not an episode of Teletubbies.

>bypass poppies

This is a yellow brick road, not a bypass.

>walk past the poppies whilst keeping a safe distance and being extremely careful not to inhale too deeply

That's a long sentence, but it's correct and you earn bonus points

>hoorah!

You steer clear of the poppies.

>_

Down the road again!

You realize you don't know anything about the scarecrow!

>examine scarecrow

As you look at him, you see there's something weird about his nose. He's wearing a glove on one hand.

>ask where he's coming from

"I come from NeverEverland™ Sir. By the way, my name is Michael."
You don't know what to think of him.

You keep on walking, you're glad your boots were made for this.

The road is long, with many a winding turns.
After one of the turns you see a man playing a trumpet, it sounds cool, you wish you still had your sun glasses.

>greet musician

He takes of his black hat and greets you back.
"Guys, you're all welcome. My name is Miles, how can I be of help?"

>ask about Whizzer

"Yeah, I've heard about him, he lives in the Castle of the Yellow Fountains."
You ask how far it is.
"You know, there are many people called Miles, I guess you've got another 45 Miles' to go!" He takes a piece of jewellery out of his ear and gives you the golden earring. "When you see the Whizzer, please give him this."
He starts to play the trumpet again and as you're walking away, you're treated with som fine jazz.

Down the road again!





Bernard

Talk to Miles.

Off the yellow brick road is a short path leading to a quaint cottage. Outside the cottage is a sign: "The Amazing Miles -- 45 Voices, Each Surprisingly Different!" You knock on the door.

Miles answers. He is dressed in peasant garb and holds out a cup.

>Put penny in cup.

Miles reaches up to the sign and flips it to the back, where you see a list of names, all written in what seems to be Elvish. Miles gestures to indicate that you should choose a name.

>Alfred Hitchcock.

Miles does not speak as Alfred Hitchcock.

>Judy Garland

Miles does not speak as Judy Garland.

>Hugh Bliss.

Who? READ THE SIGN!

>How can I read the sign? You are completely unreasonable. And who ARE you anyway? Identify yourself!

Miles speaks with all 45 voices at once. "We are legion," he says. You manage to identify the voices of Darth Vader, Sybil Trelawney, Princess Buttercup, Spiderman and Bugs Bunny as he speaks, but the incident is now so creepy that you back away from Miles and head on down the road.

>_

Just up ahead there's a glittery path forking off to the right of the yellow brick road.
> Walk along the path & just round the corner is a large flashing neon lit building. At the entrance is a troll made out of boulders & round his neck he is wearing an identity card - his name is Rocky 3.
> Try to enter the night club. Rocky 3 says 'no way'. Can't you read the sign - SMART DRESS ONLY. He sniffs Pepe Le Pew & adds 'strictly no BO'.
> Walk round to the back of the building & there is a door with a padlock.
> Examine padlock - it's a combination lock. Not enough information.
> Combine moldy brie with barrel of gun to make silencer.
> Use gun on padlock.
> Enter door. You are in a corridor with rows of doors to the right & left.
> Try the doors. All are locked except for one.
> Enter door. You are in a dressing room with clothes & cosmetics strewn around.
> Pick up orange satin gloves, orange feather boa & orange hair scrunchy. Use all on Michael & then use red wig. Michael protests that it's not his colour. You reassure him it's very flattering to his complexion
> Pick up bottle of Victoria Beckham 'Golden Balls' super strength perfume, a black panama hat & pair of starshaped glittery red rimmed sunglasses. Use these on Pepe Le Pew.
> Pick up gold lurex cravat, & gold highlight hairspray. Use these on 'Scarface'.
> Exit drssingroom.
> Exit building.
> Walk round to front.
> Try to enter nightclub again. Pepe Le Pew does his best Antonio Banderas impression & wonders how cats can do it so much better.
> "Not so fast" Rocky 3 says "Have you got tickets?" You say "no" & ask him if there is anything else he would like instead. He tells you he is having a lot of trouble with his toenails as he can't file them down.
> Offer Rocky 3 shard of flint. He is so happy "thankyou, thankyou" & starts dancing around. The ground vibrates.
> Quickly head into the nightclub .........

You offer to fetch the drinks, and you go to the bar.

>look at bartender

The bartender looks quite old. His face shows he has had his fair share of the 'good' things in life. Some bats are flying around him.

>talk to bartender

He says his name is Ozzie and he comes from the land down below.
"It's quiet now" he says "it's because the men are at work. Would you like a bat?"

>say yes

Ozzie gives you a bat.

>Examine bat

The bat is wearing a cap, a glove and tight pants. It's a baseball bat!

>talk to bat

"You play baseball, don't you?"
"You bet I do, I'm a pitcher!"

>use pitcher with bartender

Ozzie fills the pitcher with beer. You start to walk back to your table, a man in black addresses you. "Let me introduce myself to you, I'm Michael, Michael Knight." Oh no, please no more Michaels!

>ask Knight about whizzer

"I know where he lives, I could drive you there with my car."
You accept his offer and Michael talks to his watch, "Kid, get us out of here!". With a loud noise and a smell of burning rubber a car enters. You call the others and you all get into the car. Down the road again! You see a small orange fibre on your seat.

>examine fibre

You take a closer look at the fibre, you now see it's a Speedo.

>ask Michael about Speedo

"Please call me David, all my friends do. The Speedo you say? In my spare time I'm a life guard. I hate water but I like the big floating devices covered in orange fabric!". A voice in the car says "Oh please David, end these awful puns!"

>ask David about the voice

"Never mind that! It's just Kid."

>ask about Kid

"Is Kid some kind of computer?"
"No, it's just a little kid hiding itself in the dashboard."
You see that the scarecrow's eyes are wide open now and he seems to be very alert.

David turns on the stereo and says "Do you know I'm a singer also? I even made an album. I'll play it for you."
He inserts a CD into the stereo and you hear the music. You decide you have to get out of the car quick. You ask David to stop the car. He stops the car at a MacDrive and you and the others step out. David orders some drinks and some burgers. You think that David will have a night to remember!
The four of you start walking again.





Bernard

> the yellow brick road is nowhere to be seen - you're lost. All of a sudden you see a big cloud of black smoke in the distance & from nowhere some music fills the air "oo eeeee oo, ee oo ee oo ee" which repeats then stops. A man materialises in front of you dressed in a fluorescent green leotard carrying a large suitcase. He introduces himself as Captain Hamish Wee Dirk. He tells you that he has lost his starship - he beamed down to see the Wizzer because his crew insisted that they were bored with wearing the same uniforms year in year out. You ask whether he knows anything about the black smoke. He tells you he heard a rumour that the bouncer of the local nightclub accidently set fire to it while filing his toenails. Apparently some idiots had given him a shard of flint with which to do it. The smoke is a nuisance because his Lieutanant O'Hairy can't pinpoint his co-ordinates..........

>talk to Dirk

"Hii. I'm the the lost adventurer, where do you come from?"

"I come from a galaxy many, many, many, ................
.....................................................
..................................................
..........., many light years away!"

"What are you here for?"

"I want to show the all new TeaserGun™ to you Earthlings."

>ask about TeaserGun™

He points the TeaserGun™ at you and you suddenly see a tropical island with two people on it, one of them seems to have a foot injury. You tell Dirk the teaser isn't very original. He says you're right, it's a sequel."
Dirk asks where you're going, you tell him the story about the Whizzer.

He says:
"I will follow you
follow you where ever you may go
there isn't a ..."

"Oh shut up please!!!! You can come with us, but no more tunes."

Walking again, you notice Dirk is leaving Mystic Trails.




Bernard

> meanwhile on the starship Bentbutflise Lieutanant O'Hairy is shirking & playing The Lost Gown (waiting in anticipation for the new uniforms) All of a sudden the location monitor starts to bleep & she sees a trail of beacons on the screen. She presses a button & the big monitor in the control room shows the Captain walking along with four strange folk dressed in tasteless attire. "Excuse me Logic Officer Sock" she says, "I think I have the co-ordinates of the Captain - he's been leaving a Mystic Trail - should I arrange for Spotty to beam him up". "Has he got the new uniform" Sock asks. "Looks like he's wearing some of it but he hasn't got the matching green Doc Martins & Davy Crockett hat". "In that case the logical thing to do is keep watching - he must be returning to the Whizzer with that somewhat Motley Crue, who look like a theatre of pain, to get the rest of the gear."
Meanwhile back on 'earth' ................

.....the never-ending story continues!

You pass a sign.

>look sign

It's a sign with a shield and the number 66.

>take shield

You take the shield and you feel quite safe now.
Marching on. Another Sign is caught by your eyes, "Bistro of the Incrowd", maybe someone here knows where you can find the Bistro à l'Aztec!

>Enter Bistro

You enter the restaurant and you immediately are overwhelmed by the heat and the smell of sulphur.
A man, dressed in white approaches and says:
"Bon soir Monsieur, je m'appelle Cordon Rentré, je suis le chef de bistro.". He has a terrible accent and it isn't French!
You hear the sound of something falling coming out of the kitchen, the chef opens the door to the kitchen and starts swearing at the little demons who work there.

Well at least you know what language to use to address him.
"Listen you, {bbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepp} you phoney French frying fun of a fish! You know the Le Bistro à l'Aztec!" He understands English very well now and answers he hasn't the faintest clue.
You see Fran Fine fitting at her fable, uhh sitting at her table, waiting for Barbora, and you want to be out of here before she starts to talk. You have heard too many disgusting noises for one day.

You're on the road again!




Bernard

> back on the Bentbutflise the officers are watching the scene. Navigator Tickov notices the shield & suddenly says "Oh, no! zis shild haz anuzer hiddin numberr - it iz anuzer 6 - ze shild is not for protection - it has 666 - it iz eveel! Vee shuld beam up ze captin now!" "But what about the rest of our new uniforms?" O'Hairy says.
>Enter Spotty "Aye lass, we all want new uniforms but we can always rely on Captain Mypal Reynolds for boots & hats. He's the best scavenger in the galaxy & his fieryfly is due to land on a planet near here soon"
.........

>I'm really confused now, what happened to the yellow brick road?

We left it 10 million light years behind, Jim.

>Where are my buddies Pepe Le Pew, Lord O'Scars and scarecrow dude?

They're right behind you, having a cigarette and a beer.

>Hey, how come they get to have all the fun while I'm in outer space/in a terrifying bistro?!

You just want to go meet The Whizzer, don't you.

>yes

>_

> Meanwhile back on earth you,Pepe Le Pew, Lord O'Scars & Michael (scarecrow dude!)& Captain Dirk are trying to find the yellow brick road (you lost it after taking a ride in David's car ages ago) Still no sign of the yellow brick road.
> Talk to Captain Dirk. Ask him if he can use the Teaser Gun to find the yellow brick road .............

Captain Dirk nods and takes out his Teaser Gun. He presses an awkward series of buttons and turns a few knobs, and suddenly the Teaser Gun begins shouting to no one in particular.

"Hey road! Yeah, you, you stinking pile of bricks? Running from us, are you? What are you? CHICKEN? That's it, isn't it! You're YELLOW! A no good, lily-livered, yellow-bellied--"

The Teaser gun is drowned out for a second as the ground rumbles loudly and begins to quake. About 50 yards to the East, a large mound of earth rises into the sky, atop which you see the yellow brick road, writhing in anger.

The Teaser Gun continues prattling obliviously.

> Turn off Teaser

You frantically reach over to Dirk and turn off the Teaser Gun and listen as it slowly winds into silence. Unfortunately, the damage is done: the Yellow Brick Road is now bearing down at you like an avalanche.

> Run

You and your companions charge randomly through the underbrush. After a few minutes, you've lost the road again. You're standing in a small clearing surrounded by tall, bright blue trees. The sky to the east is glowing green, and the sun is setting to the west. Miraculously, Dirk, the scarecrow and Lord Ossccarrrrrrssss all manage to stumble into the clearing at the same time you do--albeit from entirely different directions.

You can still hear the road smashing around nearby. Once it settles down it shouldn't be too hard to find.

> Look at glow

The eastern sky is glowing green.

> Ask about glow

You ask your companions about the glow. Dirk nods happily.

"That's the glow from the Emerald City's smelting factories," he informs you. "Emeralds don't make a very good building material--not until you've melted them down from the raw ores, anyway. The whole city pulls emeralds up out of the mines and throws them into their furnaces, and the smelting process makes that fog up there. We follow that glow, and we'll be with the Whizzer by sometime tomorrow!

Which reminds me. You'll all be needing these."

Dirk hands a pair of dark green sunglasses to you and each of your companions.

"What are these for?" asks Lord Ossccarrrrrrssss.

"It's the heat, y'see. The Emerald City itself is made of pure emerald, o' course, and it traps and refracts light and heat. Some folks think it's so bright y'can go blind jus' by standin' near it, but that's a load of rubbish, of course. But y'add to that the heat o' the furnaces and the emerald slag, and it gets awful hot, and...well..."

"Well what?" asks the Scarecrow.

"Well, occasionally people just sort o'...burst inta flame. Sputaneous Bustion they call it."

The Scarecrow is looking decidedly concerned at this point.

"I don't get it," you ask. "What good will the sunglasses do cooling us down?"

"Oh no," says Dirk, "They won't lower the temperature at all. You just LOOK cooler."

You all put on your sunglasses.

You notice the road has quieted now: maybe you should go looking for it.

> Emeralds don't work that way.

You should really go find the road now.

> Find road

After a few minutes, you manage to stumble across the road--literally. You could swear it tried to trip you, but it seems settled enough now. The road continues west and east.

>E

As the sun sets, you and your companions start east on the road once again. You notice you're approaching a sign, which reads:

Emerald City
106 miles

Which, as you figure it, pretty much caps the day: all your wandering around has put you about 50 miles back in the wrong direction, and since you haven't been here before, you're not sure you're even on the right road. But all yellow-brick-roads lead to the emerald city, right?

You hear a low growling coming from the bushes to the left.

> Examine bushes

You move to take a closer look, when suddenly a lion leaps from the bushes and attacks the Scarecrow, knocking him to the ground in a heap.

Roaring, the lion turns and starts running towards you.

> status

It's 106 miles to the Emerald City, you've got an empty bucket, a shard of flint, a pocket sword, 2 cents, a gun with 1 bullet remaining, a dusty bottle containing a very small amount of olive oil, a clipper lighter, a shield and a pair of silver slippers, it's dark, and you're wearing sunglasses. There is a lion running towards you.

> Hit it.

With what?

> Hit it with the empty bucket.

You're tired and you can barely see, but you swing wildly, clobbering the lion right on the nose. It draws up short in surprise, whines and starts crying uncontrollably.

> That was really long.

You're just making it longer now. Hush.

REM: Hey, I spent one of those cents!

>Tickle lion.

Excuse me? Don't you want to save first?

>Save game.

GAME SAVED.

>Tickle lion.

The lion stops weeping, laughs uproariously and then eats you.

YOU HAVE DIED.

POINTS: 520 zorkmids

STATUS: Official slacker

>Load Game

Sigh.

>Tickle lion with pocket sword.

The lion, stops crying and bows to you. "You have bested me in fair combat," he announces. "You are now King of the Forest!" He puts a crown on your head.

(You can't see the crown because it's dark and you're wearing sunglasses, but you can feel it. It's very heavy.)

"How may I serve you, O King?" asks the lion with a great show of politeness.

>_

REM Shiny Happy People

Come on! I'm not a jukebox.
You're lucky. I'm in a good mood, just hit the play button!
►

>♫


Bernard

>turn up volume on jukebox

I'm not a jukebox! How many more times. And if you start dancing like Michael Stipe, then it's Game Over.

>spoilsport

So what about this lion, then?

>ask the lion if he is acquainted with The Whizzer

You ask the lion if he is thus acquainted. The lion smiles wistfully. "Yes, many years ago, but I was ostracised from his castle."

>you grew feathers and stuck your head in the ground?

Not ostrich-cised, you blithering imbecile. Ostracised. Cast out.

>ask the lion why he was ostracised.

You ask the lion. He looks sad. "I will explain all," he tells you, "but while I do, let us carry on along the road.."

>_

Talk to lion.

The lion joins the retinue of the King of the Forest. "In my youth," says the lion, "I ascended to the throne and gained the crown. The crown gives the wearer a chance to break two of the rules. When two rules are broken, the wearer of the crown must give it up."

"Which rules did you break?" you ask.

"The first rule I broke was breeding Grues with Humans," says the lion, smiling reminisciently. "I wanted to let the descendants of the Grues enjoy the sunlight, you see. That was when The Whizzer decided that I should be banished for my crime."

"And what was the second rule that you broke?"

"The second rule was: "Do not eat an Ageless Faceless Gender Neutral Culturally-Ambiguous Adventure Person."

"Then why did you eat me?" you ask, starting to wonder if the crown you are wearing has strings attached.

"It's just that I'm so ticklish," said the lion with what (on a human, or even a half-human, half grue) would be a poker face.

>Read the rules for The King of the Forest

A scroll appears out of thin air. It is surprisingly short, and contains thin, elegant writing in what looks like blood.

Rule 1: "Do not breed Humans with Grues."

Rule 2: "Do not eat an Ageless Faceless Gender Neutral Culturally-Ambiguous Adventure Person."

Rule 3: "Do not use a walkthrough."

Rule 4: "Do not kill The Whizzer."

>Talk to the lion.

"So to get rid of this crown, I would have to..."

The lion grins and nods happily.

>_

Sorry, alternative story line above!

Been there, done that too.

>~

Console opened.

>player.additem BAFF1ED 1

(1) WALKTHROUGH has been added to your inventory.

>Use walkthrough

You start thumbing through the pages, but don't get very far. As far as you can tell the walkthrough is approximately 72,318 pages long, and at least half of it is twisted into a dimension you can't begin to comprehend. Moreover, some of the pages appear to be in a state of quantum flux, words shifting and disappearing like ghosts at the farthest extents of your peripheral vision. It's as if a near-infinite cavalcade of monkeys were writing the walkthrough simultaneously, and rather than guide it in any particular direction, they went in every direction at once.

In short, you're certain of the book's position, but not its velocity. A little out of sorts, you tuck the walkthrough back into your inventory, where it spontaneously ceases to exist. Or not.

Your crown feels a little lighter on your head.

REM -- nice bit of writing!

Remove crown.

You can't remove the crown while you are still King.

>The pale light of dawn begins to show on the horizon. As you are walking, you hear your companions begin to snicker. "What's so funny?" you ask.

"Nothing, nothing," says Dirk. You look each companion directly in the eye. They are all still snickering except the Lion, who gazes innocently back at you. You reach up to feel your crown. You realize that it is shaped like a cone.

"This is not happening," you say conversationally.

In your mind, you are preparing to kill somebody -- whether it's the Lion or the Whizzer you haven't decided yet.

"Yo, adventurers!" says a voice from behind you. You turn around and see, sitting beneath a tree, a mummy with a peddler's cart. "Do I have a deal for you!" says the mummy. "Yes, I mean you -- the one with the dunce cap," says the mummy. Her voice, though muffled by the winding cloth around it, sounds strangely familiar.

You stop and approach the mummy. "Nancy?" you whisper.

"I'm here to help you," says the mummy. She pulls three items out of the cart. "One of these will help you with The Whizzer."

One item is a crystal with the shape of a gun etched on one side. The other item is a crowbar with an emerald attached to one end. The last item is a glass with a thick bottom and a miniature figure of Guybrush Threepwood sitting inside, so that the figure only becomes visible when the glass is mostly empty.

"Which will it be?" says the mummy. "Choose the crystal with the pistol and this becomes an action adventure. Choose the tool with the jewel, and this becomes a casual adventure. Chose the tumbler with the bumbler, and this remains a pure adventure. Choose wisely."

"Nancy, which will help me get rid of this crown fastest?" you ask the mummy confidentially.

"Telling you that would doom me to wander the earth for eternity, solving head-scratching mysteries," says the mummy. "And don't call me Nancy."

>

>save game

This game can't be saved any more!

>Ouch

And you think you're in pain!?

>choose armed crystal

A stampede off Lara's, Indiana's and all the others trample you and your Greedy Bunch. They're followed by boulders, rock slides, poisoned arrows, vampires, mummies and so on and so on.

You have died!

Maybe that wasn't such a wise choice! Do you want a second change?




Bernard

>yes please, I'll take the glass with the thick bottom

Thinking again of Lay-Low, you choose the vessel with the thick bottom. The glass is mostly empty; you appear to be a pessimist. Look on the bright side, why dont'cha.

Slowly, but surely, the miniature figure of Guybrush Threepwood therein grows, shattering glass fragments as he mushrooms into a 4ft, no a 5ft, no! a 6ft - aieeeeeeeee, a quick burst of growth there - a 100ft monster of a pirate. He stands proudly on the earthy ground, grimacing down at you as you cower like the big cowering cowardy custard that you are.

>wave to Guybrush

He can't see you, he's too tall. Maybe he's shortsighted? He should've gone to Specsavers.

>shoot Guybrush

Shoot Guybrush???? Adventure gamers everywhere will cry profusely if you do that.

>ok, don't shoot Guybrush

Guybrush looks mighty relieved. Then he stands on your head.

You have died.

You're rubbish at this. Do you want a third chance?

>_

>do I have any other options?

No, you don't

>take the crowbar, give it to Michael

CUT SCENE!

A cut scene comes by, you gaze at it with your eyes wide open!
When it's over, you can't move no more, shivers go up and down your back and you want to scream....!

Oh, come on, get a hold on yourself, it was just a paper cut!

Slowly you regain your senses.
The scarecrow is very happy with his new toy. "Now I can keep those nasty birds away from me much more easy! Look, someone garishly decorated it, this is really thrilling me."

At least somebody is happy.




Bernard

>Move down the yellow brick road.

You wave good-by to the mummy, who is posing with a magnifying glass. You glare at the giant Guybrush Threepwood, who seems to be strangely motionless now -- perhaps he is regretting that he squashed you?

You and your companions try to move on down the road. But, alas! Your world has suddenly become two-dimensional. Putting one foot forward just leaves you walking in place.

"Here's the ticket!" says Lord Ossccarrrrrrssss. He appears to have found a large directional arrow at the corner of what is now your entire world. "I think we should use this arrow."

Your companions take a vote. All are for using the arrow except for the Lion, who is now looking distinctly uncomfortable. You decide that if it makes him uncomfortable, it must be good.

>Use arrow.

You are immediately transported to the Emerald City. Except that it is no longer the Emerald City of old. It is roughly castle-shaped, but now the walls are made of jewels of many colors, scrolling down to the ground. In front of the castle is a catapult that can be launched at the jewels as they move.

>_

You have played this game before!

>use catapult

You're shooting gems like a Duke Nukem on steroids. You hear a cheery melody and the text "You win, I loose!" is flashing before your eyes. You collect your prize, cheap cardboard glasses with plastic lenses, one red and the other one green.

>wear glasses

You look at the world in a whole new perspective! It's 2.5 or maybe even 3D! Niiiice.




Bernard

Look at Emerald City.

The interior of the Emerald City can now be seen in all its 3D glory. You are amazed at the detail. You remove the cardboard glasses and are surprised to see that the whole thing is actually a curtain-like tapestry of the Emerald City. But with the 3D glasses on, it looks as though you can walk right into the city and make yourself at home.

In front of the curtain is a fountain with yellow water. In front of the fountain is a sign: "To enter the Emerald City, put coins in the fountain. (Please do not bathe in the fountain. Please do not swim in the fountain. Please do not drink from the fountain. -- The Management)"

>_

>place coins in fountain

You place all your scraggy loose change in the fountain. The fountain momentarily ceases to ripple, as if to contemplate your meagre offering. And then, a miraculous occurrence: a myriad of rainbows! a conglomerate of cumulus nimbus!

>I'm dazzled

Well, you should be. And then, from a fold in the Emerald City tapestry curtain, march 500 Oompah-Loompahs. They are dancing, and quite possibly drunk out of their skulls. They giggle and chortle and jiggle and wiggle, and seem to find you and your merry troupe extremely amusing.

>I think the Oompah-Loompahs took a wrong turning left of Cleveland.

Yes, but don't tell them that, they would get very upset. Besides, The Whizzer is quite entranced with them, they make excellent candy.

The tapestry curtain begins to draw apart, and you can see beyond into the grand halls of the palace....The Whizzer awaits you!

>_

Look through notes & recap on game.
Characters: yourself visiting Whizzer to find whereabouts of Bistro L'Aztec & to remove cone-crown (or did I miss something!)

Captain Hamish Wee Dirk - has visited Whizzer before to get new uniforms for his crew but only got fluoresecent green leotards (in large suitcase he's carrying) & forgot to get matching Doc Martins & Davy Crockett hats. Has been leaving Mystic Trails & crew have been watching his movements since from the starship Bentbutflise.

Pepe Le Pew is wearing a black panama hat & a pair of glittery star-shaped red rimmed glasses - the perfume has long worn off & he stinks. He would like to smell nicer & be more debonair.

Michael (scarcrow dude) is wearing a red wig, orange hair scrunchy, orange satin gloves & orange feather boa. He's fed-up with birds stealing bits & pieces of him for nests & dropping 'birdy things' on him.

Lord O'Scars is wearing a gold lurex cravat & has gold highlights all over his metal. He is rusty in parts & would like an extreme make-over.

The lion wants to make up for the error of his ways & wear the crown again (even if it is now a cone?)

Inventory: A few pairs of sun-glasses, pocket sword, gun with 1 bullet, dusty bottle with a finger print containing a little olive oil, clipper lighter, silver shoes, a walkthrough & a shield with 666 (the 3rd 6 can't be seen - methinks the shield could be upside down?)

Continue story:
> Walk along the central grand hall - notice that on either side there are rows of open-fronted workshops with big advertising boards on each of them ..............

This is so interesting! It looks like you give have invented a new game: co-group-writing of an adventure story.

Perhaps a new thread with a plot hook to start with and do this thing write, err..right?

Just a suggestion from a small and little known boomer. *shuffles feet*

An open sourse adventure???? Count me in...

Just join in Aquaboomer and your star will rise to incredible heights!

{Edit}
Volkana (or maybe Dame Etna?) you're so welcome! You're the one who (unwillingly?) started this menace.
{End of edit}


Bernard

It was unwillingly alright but it's become really fun...

The fun is what this is all about Volkana, glad to hear you're having it too.


Bernard

Excellent summary chrissie, -- what a motley crew. Are we all resting a bit before the final push to meet The Whizzer?

(I don't think the lion wants the crown back, actually. At this stage his motivation is somewhat hidden. It's possible he's just along for the ride out of sheer curiosity or because he finds it amusing to watch everyone else struggle.)

Look at advertising boards. There is a craft market nearby.
Rush to market.
Shoppity shop ! Exchange your entire inventory for a beautiful handbag & a pair of dangly earrings.

The lion emits a threatening roar. The shopkeeper gives you back the silver shoes.

>Inv

Beautiful handbag, pair of dangly earrings, silver shoes.

>Continue shopping.

Nearby shoppers (all dressed in green) stop to admire your purchases.

An official-looking young man who resembles Tweedle Dee from Alice in Wonderland (or perhaps he more closely resembles Tweedle Dum) approaches you. He is carrying a violin.

"Lord Ossccarrrrrrssss of the Dance!" he proclaims, looking at your mechanical friend. "You have finally returned!" He strikes up a catchy tune on the fiddle, and all the shoppers dressed in green drop their purchases, put their arms down at their sides, and begin a rousing Irish step dance routine. Lord Ossccarrrrrrssss outdances them all handily.

While the shoppers are busy, your companions sort through the shopping bags left unattended in the street, in case there is anything in them that can be of use when you confront The Whizzer.

>_

>examine handbag

Oh dear goodness gracious me, it's the all new and updated Madchick 2008™ handbag, version 2.153!
It will hold everything you put in there and it will provide you with anything you might need in the future. It's beautiful p.. decorated also.

>use handbag

A voice inside the handbag says "Before using the handbag please register! Here's the manual."
You now have the manual.




Bernard

REM Becky, are my eyes cheating me or did you really become green?

End of remark

>read manual

You read the manual. If only you had a carrier pigeon by which to despatch the registration card - but you're in the land of The Whizzer now, and his rules apply - no jiggery pokery allowed. On a scrap of paper you cleverly forge an approximation of a first class stamp, and mail the card. Let's hope the postal service is more efficient in Oz.

>ransack random shopping bags

You ransack the shopping bags of adjacent shoppers who are otherwise engaged. You procure: a purple cashmere sweater; a tin of stewing steak; a bottle of washing up liquid; a diamond ring.

>I like the last item best.

I thought you might. You now have an inventory mostly full of junk. Proceed with caution.

>_

Meanwhile your companions have also been ransacking shopping bags and all of a sudden you notice Pepe Le Pew doing a chicken impression with his arms & holding a DVD in his hand.
You go over to him & instantly notice a flowery but slightly antiseptic odor instead of the normal stench.
> "What have you found?" you say. Pepe lifts up his arms & says "Look!" Underneath each arm you see a stuck-on bathroom deodorizer - the type you have to press to release a squirt. Pepe puts his arms down again and a stronger whiff of the odor is emitted bringing tears to your eyes "Also I found this" > you look at the DVD he's holding. It's 'How to be like Antonio Banderas (step-by-step guide)' You wonder whether graceful chicken impersonations are included.
> Look around for Michael. You see someone with orange accesories wearing an enormous sombrero with lots of what looks like little cat charms dangling from the rim. > Approach Michael. He moves his head & all of a sudden you hear the sound of a hundred hissing & meowing cats. "It's stain resistant too" he says. "Also I've found this, it's a solar powered, all weather, internet linked, handheld Adventure Game Consol" > Look closely at the advertising on the packaging. It says 'Perfect for whiling away those hours when you're stuck in a field'. 'FREE GAME included: 'Intrigue in Farmer Frank's Cabbage & Carrot Corner'

You can't see Dirk anywhere & by now Lord O'Scars has finished dancing & shoppers are beginning to disperse & pick up their shopping. Suddenly one of the shoppers shouts 'thieves! thieves! someone's stolen my washing-up liquid & all of a sudden there is a furor & more shouting, you can just make out '..my ..ewing steak ..... ple cash..swe..ter...'etc Time for you & your companions to > RUN!.............

REM Re: handbag - I know what my one's like & I'm not going near anyone elses!

.... You're outside the mall now!

You feel a little craving, you realize you're hungry. Hungry like a ..?

>eat lion

You eat the lion, it doesn't taste too bad but you did eat better tasting candy bars before. You want to keep the wrapping though, there's a nice bar code on it.

>seek register

You're close to a shopping mall, you fool! Cash registers all over the place. Could you be a little more specific, pooolice?

>sorry parser!

It's good to know you regret your foolishness Let's continue the game, shall we?




Bernard

Find The Whizzer

A penguin with a large moustache waddles up to you (is it a penguin or is it Hercule Poirot)? "The Whizzer has heard of your mighty deeds, O King of the Forest," says the penguin. "He would like you to join him. Follow me, please."

You try to straighten your crown, and frown at your companions, hoping that they will, for the first time, realize the seriousness of the situation and behave accordingly.

You walk down a long corridor with stained glass windows, each representing a different sort of tree. You would like to draw pictures of them, certain that they are important, but you don't have time.

The penguin reaches a set of double doors at the end of the corridor. These appear to be made of a black material and show various figures in attitudes of torment and supplication. The penguin throws open the doors, and you enter another chamber.

The chamber reveals more stained glass windows, each with mysterious shapes and symbols. You can hear the sound of a drum and a beautiful female voice singing in an unknown tongue. Your companions begin marching solemnly behind you to the beat of the drum.

Ahead of you is a sort of throne, which slowly begins to revolve. Seated on the thrown is a small figure in wizard's robes, holding a staff that resembles a crowbar. Is the Whizzer an Ooompa Loompa? It's hard to say, because half of his face is covered by a white mask. On the side with the mask, his hair appears to have been resently singed down to the scalp. On the other side, you see curly hair and one beady brown eye.

>

>approach The Whizzer

You walk slowly towards The Whizzer. Although you cannot fully see his face, he appears to be smiling at you in a kindly fashion. He beckons you to a small area before his throne. Your companions follow you closely. The drum has stopped beating, the female voice has quietened. The atmosphere within the chamber is expectant and tense.

>speak to The Whizzer

"Good evening, Mr Whizzer," you say respectfully. "I have travelled many miles, through galaxies and strange continents, to meet with you. I have met with strange lifeforms; I have had many extraordinary experiences during my long journey, a journey which now ends in your magnificent domain."

The Whizzer listens, now regarding you solemnly. He opens his mouth to speak.

>_

Then his eyes lock on an empty space to your right, and his mouth tightens almost imperceptibly. This time when he speaks, there's a certain chill to his voice you find vaguely threatening.

"The lion." The line is out of context, and you're honestly confused.

"The what, your whizzerliness?"

"The lion who was with you. What have you done with him?"

Uh oh. Telling the truth will almost certainly get you in trouble, but you don't want to think about what the Whizzer will do if he catches you lying.

>lie anyway

You grin affably and decide to make the best of it.

"He was...uh...otherwise detained. Told us he'd meet us later." Probably best to leave your story a little wriggle room, just in case.

"Detained. And what, pray tell, did he find more important than an audience with me?"

> stall

"He didn't say, Mr. Whizzer. He seemed very delici...er...distracted. Very, very distracted. About something."

"I see." You're not sure he's buying it. "Well then, inform him when next you see him that I wish to speak with him. Privately." The Whizzer leaps up suddenly, and whatever hidden emotions were written on his face are suddenly replaced with kindly enthusiasm. "And in the meantime, what, pray tell, has brought you here? Is one of you, perhaps, searching for a brain?" For some reason, he's looking pointedly at you as he says this. "Are you here to look someone up in the magic mirror?" The Whizzer is remarkably animated now, and you hardly have time to wonder about that mirror before he throws a large bolt of fire from his hand towards the ceiling. His voice booms now, echoing throughout the chamber. "Have you come to slay Glinda, the wicked witch of the South?" And suddenly he is stock still and quiet again: "Or possibly, just possibly, you have come in search of Bistro L'Aztec?"

The Whizzer is staring directly at you.

Suddenly the Whizzer bursts out in song and dance! Your ears are hurting and you pray to the holy Android Lord Feather to end this! You feel miserable. Finally the music stops, only the drummer keeps on playing.

>use sign language on drummer

Using your arms and hands you make clear to Phil he should stop.
There's a peaceful silence now. Moments later your stomach starts to roar.....





Bernard

Obfuscate.

"Just my lunch acting up!" you say quickly. The Whizzer gives you a suspicious look. "Turn out your pockets," he says. "Each of you, one by one, and tell me what you want from me."

Pepe removes the contents of his pockets -- an empty perfume bottle and a book of love poetry in the original French. "I wish to be more debonair, and to permanently solve my odor problem."

Dirk steps forward, puts his teaser gun and his Star Fleet Academy 101 manual on the floor. "I want better uniforms, please." he says politely.

Michael smiles at The Whizzer, and from his pockets he removes a wad of used chewing gum, a nail file, a miniature crossbow and some ceiling wax. "I would like an impermeable barrier around my body that birds cannot enter," he says. You notice that the crowbar with the emerald is not among the contents, and you wonder where he has hidden it.

Lord Oscars bows deeply. From his pockets he removes a diary, a ticket hole puncher and a letter from someone named Kate. "I would like to be de-rusted, and to be returned to my rightful position as lead dancer in the Emerald City Ballet."

Now The Whizzer looks at you.

>Inv.

You show the Whizzer handbag, dangly earrings, silver shoes, washing up liquid, a diamond ring, a 'How to be like Antonio Banderas DVD, a sombrero with cat charms, and a hand-held adventure game console.

>Talk to The Whizzer.

"I want to get rid of this crown," you say. "And yes, I want to find Bistro L'Aztec." You are wondering nervously if The Whizzer knows that you are carrying stolen goods.

"The item I feared you carried is not here," says The Whizzer. "I am happy to see that, and I forgive your theft of my people's goods and treasure. I do, however, have a task for you to perform before I can grant your varied requests.

"A giant is now roaming my realm. He is named after a drawing tool, and he is a threat to my people and all I hold dear. You will subdue him."

>

REM

A bit on the serious side now. (Yes, I can be serious!)

This thread reminded me of all the great text adventures I played in the past. I can't speak for my fellow contributors of course, but for me it is a fountain of fun in a difficult period.

What I'm really trying to say is, I feel that adventure games have lost something since that time.
With the text adventure, you had to use your own imagination to fill in the voices, the scenery, the sounds, the music, the characters etc.
It's like reading, compared to go and see the movie. The movie often is a disappointment when you have read the book!

Back in the old times one person, who had an idea about a story, would be sitting in the bedroom, working on a computer with limited capacity, writing the game and saving it to tape before going to sleep.
Nowadays a game can't be made without writers, graphic artists, programmers, composers, musicians, voice actors, art directors, a PR staff, just to mention a few. All these people have to be paid and in the end, we, the game players, are paying them!

Sure I like the new games with the amazing graphics and great Dolby surround effects. Somehow though, I feel there's something missing. Maybe it's that little touch of magic .....

Remark ended


Bernard

>REM What I've noticed lately is that companies keep spending more and mroe money getting the graphics and the game engine working, and then when they're done seem to run out of time and money to fill their game world with interesting things. For recent examples, see Oblivion (endless fields of grass), Assassin's Creed (endless onslaught of identical missions), and the recent trend towards games that look and play great, but cost $50 and only last 6 hours.

Graphics rendering keeps getting better, which raises the demands for high-quality textures, detailed 3D-models and expansive worlds--but companies still are under the same pressures to actually make a profit. The result has been gorgeous games that don't really have much to them.

Ah well.

Remark Ended.

Prelude to accepting quest:

> "Forgive me great Whizzer" you say "but we are no match for a threatening giant, is there no other task you can give us?"
"No" says the Whizzer "that's the deal". You look round at your companions, they look so forlorn. "Do you want to do this?" you ask & immediately they all brighten up & unanimously say "YES!" Okay, "How big is this giant?" you ask the Whizzer. "That is for you to find out" he says. The group start to head for the exit..... "not so fast!" the Whizzer says "please leave all your inventory items as security except for the handbag which is now officially registered & you may hang on to the games consol. I'm not sure about the authenticity of the stamp but I do love a good forgery."

The group now make their way to the exit carrying only the handbag & games consol & maybe a crowbar with emerald?.

You suddenly remember that the consol has internet access. >Google drawing instruments. You browse lots of sites - there are pencils, rotring pens, pastels, charcoal, conte crayons, chinese brushes. Nothing that a giant could be named after. You browse a little more & a more unusual drawing instrument is listed, aah! the giant's name must be Nero Beambar. Google giants & look up Nero Beambar - he's also known as the mightly Protractor & 'has been the giant scourge of the Gillikin Country for 2000 years' >

> REM Nice improvising, chrissie. Think I'd better try some improvising of my own now...


>Accept Quest

Admire Accept Quest Document.

The handheld gaming console starts beeping frenetically. On it scrolls the official Accept Quest coded document.

>Give handheld game console to Whizzer.

The Whizzer looks at the Accept Quest doc and smiles smugly. "It's official, then," he says, handing you back the console.

"Once you have dealt with Nero Beambar, you can return and I will fulfill the wish of everyone in this room," announces The Whizzer.

You turn to leave. "I have one question before we go, Great Whizzer," you say. "Who is the parser?"

"Ah, to discover that, you must learn parser-tongue," says The Whizzer. The drum beat begins, as does the voice, apparently singing in parser-tongue. You all turn smartly and march out of the room.

The door closes and you are alone once again in the corridor. Michael stoops and picks up the crowbar with emerald that is sitting in an umbrella stand by the door.

"Why did you leave that at the door before we went in?" you ask him.

"Why ever not?" says Michael.

>_

> "MICHAEL" you say firmly "you are hiding something from me. Now please answer my question! Why di....." Michael puts his hands up in defeat "okay, okay, I'll tell you. Many years ago when I was a young 'lad', & birds respected folk like myself, I used to read a lot. My favourite subject was anything to do with Mexico as I never imagined it to rain or snow there & I thought it would be a wonderful place to retire to. I came across many stories. One of them was to do with an Aztec princess called Tipzitoze, I don't know the details of her life but apparently she was important enough to a small tribe living at the foot of the mountains to build a statue of her. Two emeralds (rumoured to be magical) were 'her eyes' & they were deeply embedded. Soon after, one of the emeralds was stolen & legend has it that the emerald would adhere forever to the tool used to remove it. I don't know why. It's unusual for a crowbar to have an emerald attached & I wondered" You understand now & thank Michael for being honest with you.......... >

REM I'm finding it enthralling to see how everybody's minds work and how they see and work through different situations in the game. I've laughed over and over at this thread. I think partly it's so much fun because it's creative and cooperative at the same time. I don't know how you would do that in a game that we would all buy off the shelf (maybe a multi-player game might come close)?

REM Ended

REM I agree with so much of what you are saying Becky! I've found that I get a scenario in my head way more than I post & then someone else posts & think 'oh'. (I'm sure I'm not the only one!) At the same time I like the challenge of adapting to twists & turns of the different ways of thinking. I love the co-operational thing of it & having to consider where someone else's head is at. Sometimes it's left with 'how are you supposed to follow that?' (like the crowbar with the emerald ) Do you think we are getting any better at it?

REM

If we are given the time and the space we will get great at it!

I pity the people who are new to this thread though, all the pages of text to be read before they know what this is all about!

Remark ended


Bernard

& then get pen & paper (reams!) to take lots of notes to keep up!

REM It's interesting to look back at the early posts in this thread, at how tentative we were in the beginning with the storyline, and at finding our individual voices. Then we unleashed our respective crazed imaginations, and lo, there was comedy! I've laughed so much at your genius. It's been great fun "working" with you all.

Remark ended

On with the adventure...

>exit The Whizzer's domain

You exit the grand palaces of The Whizzer. Outside, the evening air is crisp and cool, and a beautiful sunset forms across the horizon. You are filled with elated apprehension at the thought of defeating the giant Nero Beambar. You wonder how it will all come to pass. 500 Oompah-Loompahs are idling around the fountain; it appears to be Happy Hour. The fountain has been drained and converted temporarily into a wine bar. You shudder at the price of the Liebfraumilch. Your merry troupe passes by the colourful carousers, and heads back down the yellow brick road. After a short while you spot a turning which leads off towards the horizon, and it is here that the path transforms gradually from yellow to scarlet. Will you follow the scarlet brick road?

>will there be giants?

Undoubtedly.

>follow the scarlet brick road

You set off along the brightly coloured road. Far, far away you can hear yodelling; plumes of smoke rise into the air. Could the giant Nero Beambar be having a barbecue tonight? More importantly, will you receive an invite?

>_

> Walk towards smoke

You and your companions wend your way cautiously down the scarlet road, angling into the forest to your left, towards the smoke. Soon enough you can see flames flickering in between the trees, and over the roar of the fire you can hear a trio of playful voices. Gradually it dawns on you that you're walking towards an enormous midsummer bonfire, and playing in front of it are three children: two girls and a boy. The boy is gripping the younger girl by one arm and tugging her towards the fire.

"Why do I have to be the witch?" asks the girl. "I'm ALWAYS the witch! Make Cassie do it this time, I don't wanna!"

The girl who must be Cassie giggles lightly at this and then returns to staring quietly at the bonfire. Frowing, the boy tries to reason with his semi-captive.

"Look, Mia, you know how this works. You're the witch, I'm the inquisitioner, and Cas is...well...you know. Death. You KNOW you're the only one who can cast any spells! And Cassie...well, you know how she gets around fires."

"Fine, Mal," mumbles Mia sullenly. "But I'm only going doing it for a minute this time, I always feel silly standing around in the middle of that thing. Besides, I don't think Cassie like the heat so much." And before any of your party can react, she leaps foward into the flames.

A few moments later you can hear her voice from somewhere inside the bonfire.

"I curse you, Maleficus, curse you, do you hear me! You'll rue the day you chose to cross paths with a full-blooded witch! You and your little dog, too!"

Mal joins in the act by shaking his fist towards the flames. "In the name of Oz, I condem your spirit to the--"

The snap of a twig under your boot causes Mal to spin suddenly on his heel and glare at your party of adventurers. Cassie looks on with what appears to be mild interest while Mia can be heard blithely shouting from somewhere behind the flames.

"Oz? Ha! In the name of Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs, I spit at thee! What are you planning to do with me, anyway? Melt me? Fire can't harm witches, you silly twit! And what's this? OH NO! I'm melting, meeelting! Oh, what a world, what a world!"

"Quiet, Mia," says Mal in the usual tone of a boy trying to assert his authority over a girl he knows won't listen to him. "We have company."

>Introduce party

Over the increasingly nonsensical complaints from the bonfire and the curious stare of the oddly silent Cassie, you explain to the children that you're heading north on a quest.

>Ask about Nero Beambar

"Beambar?" asks Cassie. Her eyes have suddenly gained focus, as if she's seeing you for the first time. "I know of him. You have a long journey ahead of you, though. He lives far to the north, on top of Mount Ixnay, where the frozen wastes meet the impassable desert. It's REALLY cold there--Beambar's about the only creature who can stand to live up there. Dad says even the trees there turn blue in the winter. I wouldn't know though. We've only been there during the summer, and that was plenty cold for me."

"He's a lovely giant though. He has all sorts of wonderful stories...of course, the Whizzer doesn't like him much. But the Whizzer doesn't like ANYBODY. And no one likes him, not since he took over from--"

Cassie stops at a stern glance from Mal. "What got you so talkative all the sudden, anyway?" Mal turns a winning grin towards you. "We could take you there if you want. We've been there dozens of times, I'm sure mother wouldn't mind."

"Does this mean I can leave the fire now?" calls Mia. "I'm getting bored!"

You glance uneasily at your companions. "Well, Dirk?" you ask the most level-headed of your companions. "They ARE just children. Should we really be dragging them into this?"

"I dunno," says Dirk, shaking his head. "Age tends to be a little misleading around here. And besides, at least one of them's a witch. They could be useful." Dirk drops to a whisper. "Of course, there could be a little problem if we want to stay in the Whizzer's good graces, but I say we wait and make our own judgments about that giant. It's your choice, though."

>Invite children along

"Hurrah!" comes Mia's familiar voice, and quite suddenly the bonfire collapses in on itself, shrinking first to the size of a small hut, then a normal campfire, shrinking down, down until it finally is just a small flame enclosed in Mia's inverted palm. The three children lead off back towards the scarlet road, which you can see winding along through the trees towards the mountains far to the North.

Cassie hangs back for a moment and whispers conspiratorially to you. "Mia's not her full name, you know. It's Lamia. We call her Mia because it's easier to spell."

"Ah," says Lord Oscars. "Then is Cassie YOUR real name?"

"No. It's Occasus. But no one calls me that except mother..."

After a moment, it dawns on you that someone's missing.

"Where's Michael?"

Dirk grins maliciously. "About 500 yards up thatta way. Seems he's got this little...thing about fires. Especially big ones."

Laughing, you and your friends head back to the road, towards adventure. Adventure and the giant Nero Beambar. Nero Beambar, adventure, and Michael. And also Mount Ixnay. And the Impassable Desert. And the Frozen Wastes. You and your companions set off towards Adventure, Nero Beambar, Michael, Mount Ixnay, the Frozen Wastes, and the Impassable Desert. Amongst others.

> Continue up the scarlet road, walk, walk, walk...
Don't think you aren't on a right track, it's just that you have to walk for about 60 minutes to get to the icy land...
Don't bother looking around before you see some ice cause then you are likely to spend about 2 or 3 hours on the road.
So, you suddenly come to a tree with branches leaning down heavy with icicles covering the road. You try to go through the branches but when you touch one your hand gets stiff and you cannot move your fingers.
Turn to Lamia
> Mia, you say, can you please melt this tree for me?
She smiles and says
> Let me help you with your hand first
Her warm touch cures your hand, and she turns to the tree putting her arms forward and throws some flames at it.
The ice from the tree starts melting, but suddenly you hear its roaring voice
> You could have just politely asked me to step away...
Enraged, it grabs Michael...
>

REM Welcome back Iva.

End of Remark



... The tree holds Michael by one of his arms, high above the ground. You're MadChick handbag starts to ring.

>open handbag

You open the the handbag and you see an oilcan. You think "At last, what's an AG without an oilcan!"

>take oilcan, use it on Michael

Your aim isn't very good, so Michael is covered by the oil almost all over. The tree looses his grip on the arm. Another one of the branches grabs Mike by the nose. That's weird, Michaels nose is getting longer and longer and then it snaps. Michael falls down, he's free now. He is very angry and he yells at the tree that it's a smooth criminal. The tree seems to be upset and whispers some apologies, he drops the nose and runs away.

>pick nose

Please could you rephrase that!

>get nose

You take the nose, it's wet now. You give the nose to the scarecrow, he tries to put it in place but it keeps falling off.

Now Scarface complains that he hasn't been oiled all over in a long time! The oilcan is empty! This Greedy Bunch is becoming a big nuisance!

Well at least the road is no longer blocked.

>keep on walking

And you're going again. It's getting colder and colder.......




Bernard

REM
Do not think that I and other veteran lurkers aren't following all this.

> .......and colder and colder. The land to either side of the path is now covered in deep snow, but curiously not the path itself. You keep going & suddenly spot some large footprints in the snow to the right.
> Look at footprints. A magnifying glass & tape measure appear at the bottom left of the screen.
> Use magnifying glass on footprints. You see an impression of a famous tick & on one print an impression of a large round object on the sole.
> Use tape measure on length & width of footprint That is not the correct measurement. Try again. Size 94. You deduce that this is the print of a 12 foot tall giant wearing size 94 extra wide Tike trainers with a nail stuck in one of the soles.
Before backing out of the scene quickly nab the magnifying glass & tape measure & put in inventory for later use other than looking at & measuring footprints.

You decide it is not a good idea to follow the footprints & try to carry on, but Lord O'Scars is finding it difficult to move. His joints are starting to seize up. It is also starting to get very dark & everyone is hungry.

>"We need somewhere to shelter for the night" you say "something to eat and something to loosen up Lord O'Scars". Lord O'scars retorts with "Are you trying to tell me I'm up tight!"

Mia puts out her hand & a small flame appears in her palm. This emits a little light in the darkness.

You suddenly hear the voices of children whispering, "Please Mal, not there". You realise one of the voices is Cassie. "But, it will be pitch black in about 20 minutes" you hear Mal whisper "& Mia can't keep that flame going all night, besides we need something to help Lord O'Scars, it will be alright if we have grown ups with us, they will look after us".

Mal, suddenly aware that you've heard them says "We were just talking about 'The Cottage'. It's just behind those trees to the left" You can just make out the scared face of Cassie in the flickering flame. "We've always been told not to go there" she says "our mother told us that children have gone there and have never come back".

You ask your other companions. They all agree that sheltering for the night would be a good idea and they should be safe together.

You ask Mal, Cassie & Mia to lead the way. You step off the scarlet brick road & follow the children through the snow. Captain Dirk gives Lord O'Scars a 'piggy back' ride. The troupe can hardly see where they are going & trustingly follow the flicker from the flame in Mia's palm until they reach the door of the cottage.
> Open door. It slowly creaks open.
> Enter cottage.
>

You are in the kitchen, which is dimly lit by a meagre fire struggling to survive in the fireplace. Above the fireplace there hangs a huge cauldron, filled with water. In the middle of the room there stands a large wooden table. On the table are various cooking implements, but they do not resemble anything that you are familiar with. The floor is uncovered, the boards are old and broken in places. Mal, Cassie and Mia are looking anxiously around the room and at one another.

From outside you can hear a high-pitched voice, it is chanting, you can just make out the words as it approaches the cottage.

"Five bones, four bones, three bones, two, just enough to make my ssssssstew...."

You know that voice. Oh no Oh no Oh no. It is The Gribbler.

>HIDE!

Where will you hide? Hurry! - for The Gribbler is rattling at the latch....

>_

Hide under the table???? No he will look there first...
Hide in the cauldron???? No you will be cooked like a soop

Look left... There is some short of an old furniture... Move the furniture... There is some kind of secret passage behind it... You deside to go in there...

Go there and move back the furniture... It's pitch black now... You can't see nothing

> You all stand very still & try to breath quietly. You hear the door creak open and footsteps on the boards. All of a sudden they stop & you can hear the Gribbler sniffing "mmm" she says "I must be going mad, I thought for a minute I could smell children. Now that would be a treat, a nice juicy child to stew" Pepe Le Pew thinks quickly & as quietly as he can 'sprays' the three children. The Gribble starts to sniff the air again & then her armpits. "It must be that new anti-perspirant, it's better than I thought".

>

You are between laughing and vomiting... You thinking "My anti-perspirant is better! Smells like grass"... You try to look through a little hole on the furniture... You can see only the fireplace and a green frog on the table... Could that be the lost Prince? No kissing tonight...

You hear footsteps and the squeak of the door. The Gibbler must have left the building. The stench in the small room is taking your breath away and you decide the best thing to do is crawl out.

Back in the kitchen you see the Gibbler tricked you, she didn't leave at all!
She looks at you and your companions and says:"Well, look at that, what a load of food walked into my house. There's even some canned food too!"

Swiftly you put your hand in the handbag, no new items! Then you feel there's something in a side compartment. You take it out and see it's a little round box that's made of silver.

>open box

Inside the box is a small mirror, some powder and a pad.

>use box on Gibbler

You hold the open box right before her eyes. She looks at the mirror and her face turns green. "Oh by the unholy Black Magica, that's the ugliest face I've ever seen!" she says "I'll get that plastic surgeon who did this to me, I'm gonna give him a face lift so thorough he'll be breathing through his belly button!".
She storms out of the cottage.

>open door

You open the door and enter the living room. On a table is a cage with some bones in it. The bones look at you.

>open cage

The bones step out of the cage. "Thank you dear person, that is awfully nice of you. My name is Bear, these are my brothers Beck and Thony. We were on a quest to gain more length and a better sense of humour, but the ugly Gibby caught us."




Bernard

> "Why do you want to be longer?" you ask the bone brothers. They all look at each other & start to blush slightly. "We are um.. aspiring actors" says Bear "Our dream is follow in the footsteps of the great family dynasties, the Carradines, the Bridges, the Fondas. Pinky & Perky etc. We want to audition for the leg parts in Steven Spielbergs new film 'Giraffic Park' but we're not long enough." "I see" you say "but why do you need a better sense of humour?" Beck answers this time "because when we told our family & friends they all started laughing & said 'you must be having a giraffe'. We just don't know what that means & why it's so funny." You think for a minute & then say "but surely there needs to be four of you". Thony chips in excitedly "because if we pass the audition we'll be co-starring with the famous actor E-bone-eezer Eastwood who has already been given the part of the fourth leg"

The rest of your companions are listening intently. Mal whispers something to Mia who you just catch quietly saying "Yes, I can try". Mal then speaks to the brothers "We think Mia might be able to help you with the length" Mia turns to you & asks you to measure Bear with the tape measure & then click on tape measure again.
> Use tape measure with bear. Click on tape measure again & towards the end of it you see some very small writing appear.
> Use magnifying glass on script to read 'giraffe leg'. Mia clenches one of her hands, whilst muttering something & then opens it again to reveal some dust. She scatters this over Bear & he slowly starts to grow longer. He is now giraffe leg length.
Starting with the tape measure the same procedure is repeated, next on Beck then Thony.

"Oh, thank you!" the brothers cry "oh thank you, we don't know how to repay you but there is a key hidden at the bottom of the cage which may be useful. We will be on our way now to find a better sense of humour as we won't find one here. It was so nice to meet you all. Goodbye."

The bone brothers exit the cottage and you hear a chorus of 'We Bones, we Bones, we Bro Bones....' gradually fade into the distance.

>

>inspect room

Looking around the living room you see it's a big mess. You look at the fellows and see they are hungry, you yourself could use some food too. You're lucky your in the mess. Everyone sits down at the tables and dig in. Later you feel like a stuffed turkey, the others look satisfied also. All the food has been eaten, only some butter is left.

>take butter, use it on OScars

You grease the tin man, he seems to be thankful. "That feels so much better, if only somebody could rewind me." he says. You point at the winding staircase in the corner of the mess. He nods and walks up and down the stairs a couple of times.

>go upstairs

You also walk up the steps but alas it leads to nowhere. You walk back down again.

On the right are two doors, they both are locked.

>look left door

There's a small keyhole visible.

>look right door

No keyhole but some kind of time lock, it's set for the next morning.

>get key from cage

At the bottom of the cage is a newspaper.

>Take newspaper

After taking it you have a quick look at it, just the usual stuff like 'Dragon Attacks Village!!!'. Nothing can be done with the paper but you keep it, it may come in handy later, if you have to start a fire. There's a small key at the bottom of the cage. You take it.

>use key on left door

The door opens, in the room is only a bed. Not much room for so many people! You take out the measuring tape to find out what the exact size of the bed is. You measure the comp's also. After a lot of calculating you know how everyone can sleep in the same bed at he same time. All fall asleep.

The next morning a bright light, shining in your eyes, awakes you. Leaving the bedroom and back in the big mess you notice the right door is open now.

>go outside

Outside you see a gigantic giant with a flashlight, he's wearing a sweater with red and white stripes. You rub your eyes, hardly believing this could be for real. Taking a better look you realize it's not a giant but a lighthouse!




Bernard

>so we're on the coastline already then

It would appear so, otherwise that's a real weird place to put a lighthouse.

>enter lighthouse

The door of the lighthouse is locked.

>peer over edge of cliff

I hope none of you have vertigo. You all peer over the edge of the cliff. Idling in the shallow shore water is a large rubber dinghy.

You confer with your comrades. "If we travel by dinghy it would make a most excellent shortcut to the land where the giant Nero Beambar resides." Everyone agrees. Lord O'Scars voices concern that the salty sea breeze might affect his joints.

>go back in cottage and stock up on butter

You return to the cottage and fill your handbag with pats of butter. If the sun starts shining things are gonna get messy, buster!

>look

There is a metal ladder leading down from the edge of the cliff to the shore.

>climb down ladder

You all climb down the ladder. With a collective effort you jump inside the waiting dinghy. My goodness, there are a lot of you now. The dinghy groans in protest, but thankfully does not sink.

You begin to paddle out to sea. Hooray for oceanic shortcuts! What could possibly go wrong???

>_

You row the boat gently but suddenly Michael starts to rock the boat! While calming him down, a big tidal wave approaches. The wave gets a hold on your dingy and throws you back at the shore.

You're at a beach, a woman with a dog is here. She's staring at the sea. When you're near her, she says "Look over there, it looks like something is floating there.". Looking in the direction the lady points, you notice she's right. You turn back to her and ask if she knows what it could be. Before you can open your mouth the lady and the vagabond dog disappear!

>examine dingy

The dingy is reduced to a thingy, nothing useful is left.

>turn around

There's an abandoned village close to the beach, the only sign of life you are some chickens pecking the ground. Most of the houses are in a terrible state. Only a barn looks to have escaped the teeth of time.

>enter barn

Some bats are in here sleeping. A big chest can be found at the other end of the barn.

>open chest

It seems to locked, Michael steps forward with his cute little crowbar and offers to open it. You accept and Michael forces the lid open.

>look at big chest

Some items are in there, a tripod, some canvas cloth and some fishing line.

>grab all

You can get the items but hands off the chest!

>leave barn, go north

You're confronted with a cliff, there are stairs leading up but some of the steps are badly damaged. Looking around in despair, you notice a small pottery behind the barn ......



Bernard

A small voice clucks importantly behind you. "We could probably help with that."

You turn to see a rooster puffing semi-majestically behind you, flanked by another three roosters and about six hens. They mill about, waiting expectantly, while you search for whoever it was who spoke to you. Before you can move though, the rooster speaks again.

"Yes, that's right, I'm a talking rooster. Honestly you'd be hard-pressed to find an animal that doesn't talk in these parts, and even if you ARE an adventurer just ported in from wherever-it-is-I'm-sure-I-don't-care, I'd expect you to have adjusted a bit better by now. Name's Dorothy, by the way. So's theirs."

"So's what?" you ask, confused.

"Their names. We're all named Dorothy."

"I'm sorry," asks Lord Oscar, "but...aren't you a rooster?"

Dorothy fluffs his feathers indignantly. "Yes. And what of it?"

"Well," you reply, "it's just, that... Well, you can't ALL be named Dorothy."

"It's not our fault," insists the rooster. "That's what our mother named us. She thought it awfully convenient. Personally I find it a royal pain in the tailfeathers." Maybe it would be best to redirect this conversation. Quickly.

"Dorothy it is, then. You said you could help us. How so?"

"We can open the way for you, but first you have to answer a simple question for us."

"Okay, shoot."

"What is the 27th word on the fourth line on page 1,729 of the manual?"

"Oh no," groans Mia huffily. "Here we go again..."

> "Where can I find the manual?" you ask. "In the pottery of course" Dorothy replies.
> Walk to the entrance of the pottery. There are double wooden doors locked tight. No way of getting through that way. Above them is a large arched window with the glass missing......

CUT SCENE: On the Starship Bentbutflise, navigator Tickov, chief engineer Spotty, lieutenant O'Hairy & logic officer Sock have been glued to the screen watching the movements of the troupe on the ship's large monitor. O'Hairy addresses Sock, 'Sir, looks like we are going to be waiting for our new uniforms for ever, sir. It's too late now to liaise with Reynolds & the Fieryfly but I've been browsing the outernet & I've seen some nice knee length Doc Martins & Davy Crockett hats in a variety of sizes & colours on E-bay. They come with free matching knee warmers. Please, can't we just beam the captain up.' 'That's not logical' says Sock 'we don't have a Paypal account, our leotards are in a suitcase that the Whizzer has possession of & besides....I've never come across an Adventure Game before, it's fascinating. I think I'd like to join in.' END OF CUT SCENE

INTERCEPTION ON CHRISSIE'S POST:

The Vulcan
Illegal Boomer
Not Registered
0 Posts
Loc: Space, the final frontier

> Combine tripod with fishing-line to get grappling hook & rope.......
chrissie: > Hey, just a minute Sir Sock! That was my idea & this is MY post. You have to register to post.
The Vulcan > Use grappling rope & rope with arched window.
chrissie: > Oi pointy ears, can't you read. Will you please stop interrupting my post or else!
The Vulcan: > Climb rope & enter pottery through window...
chrissie: > That's it you green-blooded weirdo, if you don't stop stealing my ideas & stop posting on my post I'm going to....
um, I'm going to.......... make up a scenario that kills off captain Dirk, so there!!!
END INTERCEPTION OF POST

CUT SCENE: 'I think she means it sir' O'Hairy says 'she's losing her decorum rapidly & she could probably do with keeping what little she had in the first place'. Sock is now sulking 'Spoilsport. O'Hairy, register me on GameBoomers.' O'Hairy presses a few buttons 'Sorry sir, outernet's down. Asteroid storm sir.'
END OF CUT SCENE

(Game resumes normally)

> Once in the pottery unbolt the doors & let your companions in.
>

Simultaneously, onboard a Bentbutflies in a universe almost but not completely identical to the one with which we are familiar:

"What was that, Officer Sock?"

"Sensors indicate the collision of two posts created a minor temporal anomaly. Improvising..."

"Impro-what-now?"

"Compensating, captain. I'm compensating."

<TIME STREAMS MERGED. RESUME NORMAL GAME PERAMETERS>

The Dorothys are waiting!

Inside the pottery light streams in through the high arched windows around the room giving a spacious airy feel to the place. It looks like any normal pottery, potters wheels, sinks, blocks of new clay etc.
> Look around. See a diagram on the wall.
> Look at diagram. There is a sketch of a flight of steps with arrows pointing to some of them. Next to it is another sketch of a 'big wheel' with a set of numbers next to it. Note numbers
24, 10, 11, 8, 19, 7, 12, 13, 14, 9.
> Look around some more & see a door with a notice.
'Please do not enter when red light is on'.
> Open door. Enter a small room with a huge kiln to the left & a set of bookshelves to the right.
> Look at books. Lots & lots of pottery books. Ah, here's a thick book just entitled 'Manual'.
> Look at manual & turn to page 1,729. The writing is tiny.
> Use magnifying glass on page 1,729 & count to find the 27th word on the fourth line. It's 'funtime'.
> Exit pottery remembering to pick up grappling hook & rope. Dismantle to get tripod & fishing line.
> Go back to the Dorothys & tell them that the answer to the question is 'funtime'. The Dorothys all start jumping up & down clucking & cockadoodledoodling excitedly. They all then disappear into their barn & emerge wheeling a 'big wheel' which they leave at the bottom of the steps. (That's funny, you never saw the 'big wheel' in the barn - maybe it was in the chest) "Tell us when you're ready" says Dorothy.
> Examine the 'big wheel'. It has what looks like chicken sized ejector seats all round the outside which are all linked to a central keypad with numbers ranging from 1 - 25 & 'Enter'.
Yes, I think we know how this is going to work.
> "We're ready", you say. The four roosters & six hens excitedly run over to claim a seat on the big wheel.
> Enter the numbers you noted earlier & press 'Enter' on the keypad. The wheel starts to spin & the first Dorothy is ejected, propelling her clucking & flapping through the air to land on 'step 24'. You hear the noise of some mechanism coming from underneath the bottom few steps. The wheel continues to spin & one-by-one the Dorothys patiently waiting for their turn are ejected to land on the various steps, each time the noise of the mechanism gets louder until the last Dorothy has taken their place. The bottom steps then open inwards (like a door) to reveal a passageway through the cliff. On closer inspection you see another staircase inside.
> "Thank you all" you shout to the Dorothys. You hear a voice shouting back "Hey, we're not finished yet, that was only half the fun. You've got to get us down now."
> Look in handbag to get red lipstick. It's very greasy. It's covered in butter.
> Use lipstick with canvas cloth to get canvas cloth with target drawn on it.
> Combine this with fishing line four times to get canvas cloth with fishing line attached to each corner.

CUT SCENE: You, Lord O'Scars, Michael & Dirk each take one of the fishing lines to hold out the canvas cloth. One-by-one the Dorothys jump from their steps to land on the canvas cloth, bounce up & down a few times & then off onto the ground clucking & cockadoodledoodling. They haven't had so much fun for years. END OF CUT SCENE

>

No need to stay here any longer, so you all wave the chickens goodbye. You wonder where the stairs will lead you, there's just one way to find out.

>climb the stairs

It's a long way up but finally you're at the top.
There's a little girl with a skateboard here, she's dressed in black.

>talk to girl

"Hi little girl, what's your name?"
She looks very angry at you and says: "Yo dude, who do you think you are, calling me little, the name is Red Riding Hoodlum and you better show some respect!"
"Why are you wearing black clothes Red." She replies "Well, it's a long story but I will keep it short. I don't like the colour black that much and wish I could be wearing red again. I dated a wolf some months ago, then I broke up with him. Ever since, he has been stalking me. I wear the black outfit as a disguise, that wolf isn't very bright you see."

>ask red about the giant

"Yes, I know where he lives, it's pretty far from here. You can use the Transportation Tree though!" She points at a tree with a big opening in it. "Just go into the tree and you will be transported to a tree near the giants house, you will recognize it immediately, it's very small!"

You doubt she's speaking about the same giant but you will give try.

>enter tree

You walk through the tree and you're in front of a little house. There's a shield above with the text "Beambar Mansion". At least the name is right!

>knock on door

A small man with a big nose and large feet steps out of the house, he looks up at you and asks what you want from him. "Are you Nero Beambar, the giant?"
"That's me alright!"
"Aren't you a little small to be a giant?"
He sighs, then answers "Yeah, how many times have I heard that question before, you think. I'll explain it to you, ever since I was born I suffered from RPS. I see that you don't know that illness, it's Reversed Perspective Syndrome. The further you are away from me the bigger I look, when you come closer I look smaller!"

You don't want do this nice dwarf any harm! Maybe the little man can be healed ....


Bernard

>ask Michael for the emerald-encrusted crowbar

You request said item from Michael. He passes it across to you a little reluctantly. "Hey man, don't be doing anything weird with it, I want it back 'cos it's shiny and matches my glove."

>wave emerald crowbar at Nero Beambar

Nothing happens. The batteries may be flat?

>shake and thump emerald crowbar

The emerald crowbar splutters into life.

>wave re-energised emerald crowbar at Nero Beambar

You wave the emerald crowbar in front of the giant Nero Beambar. Green sparks erupt and envelop him. Something appears to be happening, but you're not exactly sure quite what. The sparks subside, and you examine your new friend for any obvious signs of change. He is still small, he still has a big nose and large feet. You have failed.

>give emerald crowbar to Mia

Mia takes the crowbar. She intones and mutters, and slowly moves the crowbar to and fro, diagonally across the area in front of Nero Beambar. Something is happening... the ground beneath the giant's feet begins to tremor.... the almighty healing power of SPR (Syndrome Perspective Reversed) is taking place. With a pop and a squelch, Nero Beambar now stands before you, a proud man of normal height and girth and other essential dimensions. He inspects himself with delight, whooping gleefully. "You have cured me! Whatever you ask, it shall be yours! I am your humble servant!"

>_

You shake your head, realizing your quest for the Whizzer may already be over.

"Don't offer so much for such a simple act, Nero. Your friendship will be payment enough. All we'll be asking is your hospitality, and maybe a few questions answered."

"Of course!" bellows Nero, his voice somehow louder than before. "Where are my manners? Come, come, I'll show you around, and then, of course, I'll have to have you for dinner." Cassie coughs significantly at this and Nero looks embarrassed.

"Sorry. Still used to "entertaining" salesmen when they come by trying to sell me cutlery and encyclopedias and I want to get rid of them quickly. I meant, of course, you'd be welcome to dine with me tonight."

> Accept offer.

As you walk along the corridors towards what appears to be a very large library, you glance out the window for a few moments, then call Mia quietly over to your side.

"Mia, how exactly did that spell work?"

Mia glances up at you and frowns. "Oh, well, that was kind of complex. Basically I used the power in Michael's emerald to focus, and tried to bring Nero's perspective more in line with ours."

"In line with ours? What do you mean?"

"Well, I imagined you standing there, and then superimposed an image of Nero over it, adjusting for perspective. More or less. It's kind of hard to describe."

"And you're sure you didn't get things a little backwards?"

"Backwards? I don't think so...why?"

"Well, it's just that when I looked out the window just now, I noticed we all seem to be taller than most of the trees around here."

Mia flushes and looks at the floor. "Oh," she mumbles. "Oops."

> Out of curiosity you walk back along the corridor to the front door & step outside. It takes a few minutes for your eyes to focus before you look around and see that you & the Mansion are indeed taller than the trees.
> Call for Captain Dirk to come outside. When he appears you ask him to watch your perspective. You walk a few yards away from him, turn, look at Dirk, & then return. "Well neither of us seem to be suffering from SPR but Mia by curing Beambar has somehow inflicted us & the Mansion with a Particle Quasi Quantum Distortion disorder". "Aah, yes!" says Dirk "we've come across that before on one of our missions, my Logic Officer Sock could help but I had to trade my communicator for the leotards." Dirk thinks for a minute "..but wait a minute, the Mystic Trails I've been leaving, the crew must be able to see & hear me." Dirk looks up at the sky & starts shouting "O'Hairy, yoohoo O'HAIREEEEEEY".

CUT SCENE:
Back on the Starship Bentbutflise, Sock is pacing up & down on the bridge getting more & more agitated. "O'Hairy, the asteroid storm has passed now, have you registered me on GameBoomers yet?" "No Sir" she replies "no can do Sir, membership is only available to applicants residing within 12,000 miles of the 2D latitudinal & longitudinal plane perimeters & 4 miles of the 3D nadir & zenith vertex." Sock is now on the verge of a tantrum "well, find me another posters post to intercept" "Is that fair Sir?" says "O'Hairy "After all, they spend every waking hour they have, & somtimes lose sleep, to try & further the plot only to suffer the indignity of deletion, improvisation & more recently compensation when another poster gets there first Sir. "I DON'T CARE!" Sock shouts "I've given you an order DO IT!" "Can't Sir" says O'Hairy "since the last time you did that GameBoomers has installed a PIB programme Sir, it's a Post Interception Blocker Sir". Before Sock starts to really lose it O'Hairy quickly browses the Outernet for a downloadable AG. She finds some on Galaxy Games & quickly downloads Inkh, an old school comic adventure set in Peru. She starts the game on one of the other monitors. "Sir, look what I've found for you" Sock looks & immediately calms down & beams from ear to ear. "Well done Lieutenant, make sure I'm not disturbed for the..... "Sir, before you start playing, the Captain needs our help" O'Hairy rewinds back to where Mia is wielding the crowbar & emerald & replays up to where he sees Dirk yelling up. "Interesting" says Sock "It appears that they indeed are are suffering from PQQD disorder. The girl's spell should have worked...mmm it can only be that the emerald is one of a pair which if not used with the other can be corrupt. I see the troupe have a tripod & magnifying glass in their inventory, try & convey this message to them" Sock hands a note to O'Hairy & then says gleefully, "Please don't disturb me for the next few hours" He sits down in front of the monitor & starts to play Inkh.
END OF CUT SCENE

Back on 'earth' a hologram of Lieutenant O'Hairy appears in front of you & starts to speak "Officer Sock says that the girl can cure you, you need to give her the tripod & magnifying glass & ..........." The hologram fades. Another asteroid storm in space has interrupted the transmission. "I think that's enough information" says Dirk. You both join the others in the Mansion.
>

[ Loading ]


Back at the mansion.

"Mia, is there anything you can do to get us out of this awkward situation?"
Mia frowns her head and, after a lot of thinking, she answers the only thing to do is going back to the moment before she used the spell.

You don't have a saved game and you don't want to replay a large part!

>open PDA

You take your PDA and switch it on. A flashing sign tells you the battery is almost exhausted. Slapping your head, you wonder why you did forget to take the power adaptor with you!
Going back to the last point you have saved? No way!

>talk to Mia again

"Isn't there anything you can do, PLEASE?"
Mia goes to her brother and sister, they have a long conversation, finally she comes back. "There's only one option, the three of us can move you back in time a bit. Do you want that?"

>YES!!!

She goes back to her siblings and the three of them join hands, a whirl of light appears. There's a gust of air and ......

.... You're in front of the mansion, Mia is waving the little crowbar at Nero ....

>stop it right now!

Everyone is looking at you. "Isn't there any other way to cure him you ask Mia.
"There is another way, but it isn't that simple. You need special herbs for that and those are illegal in most of this world! However I heard about a city where they could be obtained. I don't know the name, but rumour has it, there are many canals and the lights there are all red."

>go there

For crying out loud! Didn't you notice there's nothing THAT easy in this game, you stupid....

>talk to Dirk

"Any idea how we can get there Dirk"
Dirk takes out an electric shaver out of his pocket and talks to it. "Humble One, any possibility to move us to a red spot on the map?"
"Positive Kept'm, we see a red glow and we are able to move you there."

Before you can ask any questions you're in a street aside a canal. Dirk walks away and enters a shop called "The Unmentionable Undergarment & Utilities Store", hoping to find some inspiration for the new uniforms.

>look around

There's a small establishment to the north, clouds of smoke surround it.

Dirk comes out of the shop, carrying a little shopping bag. He phones home again "Spotty, you can beam me up now, I have new uniforms for the entire crew!" There's a weird sound and Dirk slowly disappears.

{Interruption from the real world}

"This is Channel 8, all next episodes of the series "Star Slackers" have been cancelled due to their explicit nature!"

{End of interruption}

[ Loading ]


Bernard

REM GameBoomers new PIB programme has a lot to answer for, it's not only snuck a PDA & an electric razor into the inventory, but caused chrissie & Bernard between them to reveal the two different paths in this very non-linear game. There must be a glitch in the programme!

REM

I know it will be almost impossible to write a walkthrough for this game. I heard it through the grapevine, someone is writing a strategy guide!

Remark ended


Bernard

REM Hi Bernard I have it on good authority that the author's name is Marvin Gaye & he's retreated to an isolated cottage with strict orders that he is not to be disturbed before 2013. I thought I was done for today but sorry!, needs must! ...... Remark Ended

>
CUT SCENE:
Back on the Bentbutflise Lieutenant O'Hairy is gently shaking Officer Sock who has fallen asleep & is slumped on the desk in front of his games monitor. "Sir, sir, are you alright sir?" Sock gradually comes to & tentively opens one eye. He is relieved to see that his crew are still attired in their old uniforms. "Is the Captain here" he asks. "No" says O'Hairy a little puzzled "you know he's not, why do you ask?". Sock now opens his other eye. "I had the most awful dream, Mia & her siblings reversed time back to before Beambar was cured, the Captain all of a sudden had a PDA & then talked to an electric razor before ending up in this dreadful place full of canals & red lights where the air was thick with the smell of illegal herbs." "Sounds like Amsterdam Sir" O'Hairy interjects, secretly looking forward to her planned vacation there in a few months time. "Even worse" Sock continues "he acquired us some unmentionable um...uniforms & our TV series was taken off the air" "Ooh, what were they like" Navigator Tickov asks. "Never mind!" says Sock. "What's happening down on 'earth'?." The crew turn to the large screen to watch.
END OF CUT SCENE

Dirk & yourself are now back in the library & you explain about the PQQD disorder to Mia & that Officer Sock thinks she can help.
> Give Mia the tripod & magnifying glass. Her face lights up "I think I know what to do but I need a small mirror" Reach into the handbag & pull out the silver compact. Yuck! it's slimy & covered in butter which is now rancid.
> Open the compact to reveal the mirror & give to Mia.
>

Mia takes a look at the mirror covered in butter, a big smile is curling her lips. "Oh, that's beautiful, I always admired those soft focus photographs! I need a clean mirror though." She gives the mirror back to you.

>go outside, use magnifying glass with mirror

The rays of the sun, focussed by the magnifying glass, melt the butter and it's dripping off. Unfortunately you didn't consider the mirror reflecting the light. The Transportation Tree is on fire! How will you get back to the Whizzer??
First things first, you re-enter the mansion and give the mirror to Mia, she starts to be very charming..... She finishes the charms and everything is back in perspective!
Your task is done, now a way to get back to the whizzer has to be found...!

>


Bernard

REM Hi Bernard Nice to see you back! END REM

REM

Hi chrissie, I know it took some time but please don't blame it on me, blame it on the weather over here!
It feels like it's the middle of summer.



End of remark


Bernard

REM Weather has been lovely here too & my job involves organising 'activities in the community'. So although I've been at work I've been out in the sunshine for the last two days & even better - I get paid for it! END REM

REM And here I thought there was just a case of contagious writer's block going around.

> Ask companions for ideas

You gather the rest of your band and start polling for ideas. Surprisingly, Cassie speaks up first.

"Well, this should be pretty easy, really," she starts brightly. "You said you got a pair of silver slippers from a Grue before, right? Just click put those on, click your heels together, and--"

"HAD a pair of silver slippers," you interject. "The Whizzer confiscated them along with most of the rest of our inventory."

"WHAT?!" shouts Maleficus, inexplicably furious. "You GAVE him the silver slippers? I told you Mia, I TOLD you we couldn't trust adults with this sort of thing."

Mia shakes her head sadly. "Enough, Mal. What's done is done."

"This does not compute," says Oscar. "I thought you three were the Whizzer's serv--"

He's cut off suddenly as an invisible force lifts him off his feet and slams him backwards into the wall. Standing in front of him is Mal, shaking from head to toe in rage.

"We are no one's servants!" He shouts.

Cassie walks up behind him and puts her hand on his shoulder. She speaks quietly but sternly.

"Let him go, Mal." Mal slumps slightly, and in response Oscar drops slowly to the floor, landing awkwardly but mostly unharmed. Cassie raises one hand before anyone can speak, and looks inquiringly at Oscar.

"I would like to know where you heard that, though." Before Oscar can respond, Michael interrupts.

"He wasn't the only one who suspected it, you know. There have been rumors lately. Three children with strange powers, doing the Whizzer's dirty work...I still don't quite believe it's you, though."

Something doesn't make sense here. "If you work for the Whizzer," you ask, "why are you so worried about the slippers?"

Mia shakes her head again. "You don't understand. If the Whizzer has the silver slippers....that's very bad. Really, really bad." She pauses for a moment before going on. "We...have to do what the Whizzer says. Exactly what he says. But he's been less careful lately with his phrasing, and we've...found certain loopholes."

Cassie continues for her. "He ordered us to help you on your quest, but he never specified what your quest was. You were sent to eliminate Nero, but when your quest changed on the way, we were able to help him instead. But if the Whizzer learns how to use the slippers..."

"What now," you ask. "Do we try get the slippers back?"

"No," says Cassie. "His protective enchantments are too powerful. We'll need help."

"Help? From Nero?"

"No. We need to head south. We'll need to detour around the Emerald City, or sneak through it, and then we need to head farther South, into Quadling Country. We need to find a way to wake Glinda."

You look at the rest of your companions for guidance. "Can we trust them?" you ask earnestly.

"More than we can trust the Whizzer at the moment," says Oscar. Dirk nods in agreement. Michael pauses before responding.

"If the children wish to wake Glinda," he says finally, "we should do it, though I haven't a clue how we'll manage it."

Shortly everyone is in agreement. You're heading South.

<A QUEST HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR LOGBOOK>

> You take some time now to ponder your inventory, location & some thoughts.
> Look in inventory & scroll through. You have:
Empty oilcan
Handbag containing rancid butter
Handheld games consol with internet access
Crowbar with corrupt emerald
Magnifying glass
Tape measure
Silver powder compact with mirror, powder & pad.
Newspaper
Tripod
Canvas cloth with target with fishing line attached to corners
Red lipstick.

According to what the children told you, you should be located at the top of Mount Ixnay where the frozen wastes meet the impassable deserts & it should be very,very cold here but strangely it's not.

This leads you to mull over the sequence of events up until now & to ask yourself a lot of questions.

You are now very suspicious of the children. Originally they also told you that Beambar was a lovely giant who has 'all sorts of wonderful stories' & that they'd 'been there' lots of times yet he didn't appear to recognise them & he hasn't told any wonderful stories.

You thought that Mia was the only one with powers but it is now apparent that Mal has some tricks of his own.

Also the children seem to have more than a healthy interest in the silver slippers.

Nero Beambar is reported on the internet as being the scourge of Gillikan Country for 2000 years. But he's not a giant & was obvioulsy just sick. The Whizzer must have known that. Was the internet info planted?. And why did the Whizzer send you on a quest to subdue him when he just needed to be cured? Was it so that you would 'meet' the children on route?

Who did the Whizzer replace & does the Whizzer really want the slippers? You now suspect that you & your friends are being manipulated by lies from the Whizzer and/or the children. Are they in cahoots with each other? Where do you & your friends fit in?

You have no choice other than to go along with the general consensus of opinion. So, how do we get South?

> Ask Beambar if you are on top of Mount Ixnay. "Yes", he says. You ask him to lead you to point where you can see the surrounding lands. He leads you all along a path behind his Mansion up to the centre of a grassy motte surrounded by a few stones, the only remaining ruins of the castle that once stood there.

> From there you can see the surrounding lands.

> Use tripod on ground.
> Roll newspaper & use on tripod.
> Use magnifying glass on newspaper. You now have telescope.
> Look through telescope. Keep clicking left. You see sand, sand then more sand, then ice, ice & more ice. Aah. What was that?
Click back right until you see a red streak between the sand & the ice.
Focus on it by tightening up the roll on the newspaper. It's the scarlet brick road.

> Dismantle 'telescope' to get magnifying glass, newspaper & tripod.

> Fold newspaper origami style to get paper plane & place on hotspot on ground.

> Dip canvas cloth with fishing line attached to each corner in handbag to cover it in rancid butter.

> Combine this with crowbar & emerald to wrap & tie up tightly the emerald.

> Give to Mia & ask her to perform the same spell on the paper plane that she did on Beambar earlier to cure his affliction.

Wow! It worked! The greasy cloth focused the corruptness of the emerald onto the paper plane which is now enormous. The troupe of 9 climb onto the plane & glide down from the top of Mount Ixnay to the scarlet brick road. From here they should be able to meet the yellow brick road to either circumvent the Emerald City or sneak through it to find the path south.

>

A gust of wind blows the plane out of balance and you all fall down! Is this the end......?

Luckily you fall on a haystack! This is great, you have survived!
Unfortunately you managed to find the needle in it. You ask Oscar to remove it. "Just bend over and I'll give it a try." and he yanks it out. You now have a needle.

>climb down haystack

Back on the ground you look around. The plane can't be seen any more, to the west you see a glimpse of scarlet. "Yes, the scarlet road!".

>west

That's strange, the road is much smaller than you remembered. There's a sign that says "O'Hara Street". Maybe this is a side street of Scarlet Road.
You can only go one way from here because sewer rats dug a big hole in the street.

>follow street

And we're walking again, the weather is pretty good and so is your mood. You start to sing a song but the dirty looks your companions give you make you stop.
You see a hole in the ground and a mailbox next to it.

>open mailbox

In the mailbox is a letter, addressed to Harry O'Hare, O'Hara street. You leave the letter in the mailbox. The head of a hare pops up out of the hole. He looks at you with suspicion and asks what you're up to. You take the letter from the mailbox and give it to him. "I found this on the ground and I thought it might be yours." The hare opens this letter and reads it. "Well, that's good news, my old uncle Bugs died and I'm his heir! Uncle Bugs had a lot of bucks."

>talk to bunny

You ask Harry about a route to the south.
"The south you say, that's not very hard. Look up, do you see those geese fly? They are retired and once they are, all the old geesers go south. You can follow them."

>


Bernard

"South?" you ask. "That would take us a little too close to the Emerald City. Any chance of heading a little West or East along the way?"

"Well..." replies Harry before pointing at a particularly odd looking goose. "You could try following Perry there. He's a little funny in the head, and he's bound to fly a bit off course from time to time."

"Ah. Great." Somehow you're less and less sure of this plan the more you hear about it. There's not much time to think though, before the entire flock of geese flutters down onto the road, pack together into a vaguely v-shaped formation, and start waddling slowly south along the scarlet road, Perry wandering a little drunkenly behind.

"They're not flying," you point out a little obtusely.

"Well of course not," says Harry. "I did say they were retired. They'll just follow the road, maybe have a picnic along the way. The road goes South."

"Wonderful. I don't suppose the road branches anywhere along the way?"

"O' course it does," nods Harry. "A couple of times. But you know what they say...all roads lead to the--"

"--Emerald City." You cut him off. "Yeah, I got that." Scratching your head, you gather your followers and start following the geese South.

You've walked for a few hours before your group starts getting a little footsore. Just as you're about to call a halt, the geese ahead of you pull into a small grove near a lake and start settling down for a rest. Ahead of you is a dark forest, the scarlet road continuing on its mindless way through the trees.

"It's still a few days before we're in sight of the City," Dirk reassures you. "We've got some time to work out a plan before we get there. I'm a little more concerned about those trees up ahead."

"Oh?" you ask. "Are they sentient apple trees with a very strict definition of personal property?"

"Well, yes," admits Dirk, "but it's not really the trees I'm concerned by. It's those birds roosting in them" You follow the direction of Dirk's nod and notice a strange cluster of dark shapes filling the trees. The more you look at them the odder they seem, a bit like large ravens with enormous eyes. Their wings are large and angular, their beaks sharp and curved. You get the impression you wouldn't want to take one on in a fair fight.

"What are they?" you ask.

"They're the Peepers," replies Dirk. "They're the Whizzer's eyes and ears, and they're watching the roads."

"Ears? I don't see any ears."

"Trust me," says Dirk, "they have good hearing. That's not the point though."

"Can they see us from here?"

"Probably not," says Dirk. "They have excellent vision, but it's very specific. If one of them happens to look this way, they'll see us, but they're a lot more intent on the road up ahead. The question is what we do now.

If we head through the forest, the Whizzer will know we're coming. Or we could chance leaving the road and probably getting lost, in which case the Whizzer will likely figure out we're avoiding his eye. Besides, there are lots worse things than Peepers out there in the wilderness."

Just as he finishes, the geese stand up and start heading toward the forest--all but Perry, who waddles off to the East. You're not sure where he's going, but at least he seems to be avoiding the forest. For now.

> Follow Perry East.

The narrow scarlet brick path twists & turns, high grassy banks gradually start to flank each side obscuring the view of the land beyond.

All of a sudden the path slopes down & your company find yourselves in a small clearing at the edge of a river.

You see Perry ahead, swimming across. You can just make out a wooden arch on the opposite bank.
"Swimming across seems to be our only option" you say. Dirk, Beambar, Mia, Cassie & Mal agree & then you turn to see the terrified faces of Michael, Lord O'Scars & Pepe Le Pew all shaking their heads. Aah, you need to find another way of getting them to the other side of the river.

Look around. there are a couple of tall trees by the water's edge & you spot, leaning against one of them, a large green garden refuse bag crammed full of dead leaves.

> Take bag.
> Empty bag of leaves onto ground. Hear something heavier drop.
> Rummage through leaves & find a pouch full of gold coins.

> Dismantle small canvas cloth with fishing-line attached to get small canvas cloth & 4 lengths of fishing line.

> Combine 3 lengths of the line to get one long fishing line.
> Use this on the tree nearest the water edge. One end is now attached to the highest branch you can reach.

> Swim across the river to the opposite bank & toss the other end of the fishing line over the arch & secure with a knot. You notice a gold plaque on the arch. 'Remains of bridge'.

> Swim back.
> Use remaining length of fishing line on long fishing line now stretched across the river.
> Use green refuse bag on length of fishing line to get 'plastic seat'.

"Here's the plan" you say & you start to explain........

CUT SCENE:

Michael goes first on the 'hoist' & Pepe Le Pew climbs onto his shoulders (Michael is quite relieved at this point that his nose snapped off earlier). Pepe Le Pew acts as the pulley, he hold the line above & pulls Michael & himself across the river. Pepe takes the 'hoist' back & pulls Lord O'Scars across the same way (you lend him the piece of canvas cloth to wrap over his nose).

Meanwhile Dirk, Beambar, yourself & the children swim across.
You are now on the opposite bank.
END OF CUT SCENE

Perry has now disappeared out of sight so you follow the dusty track ahead of you. You start to hear the sound of laughing & music which gets louder & louder.

As you turn a bend you see a tavern to the side of the path 'The Duck's Head'. Outside there are several immaculately polished Harley Davidson's, some with sidecars attached. The music from inside the tavern is now almost deafening but there is the sound of much merriment.

> Enter the tavern. All of a sudden everything goes quiet as the occupants turn to eye you all suspiciously, & wonder why some of you are dripping wet. You see several dwarves clad in black leather & motorcycling boots. Behind the bar is the most beautiful lady you have ever seen who is just handing over a pint of beer to Perry.

>

Order beer.

“Fair lady, a round for everyone,” you say, tossing the pouch of gold coins on the bar. The dwarves now eye you with a glint in their eyes.

“Rhett!” says the beautiful blonde behind the bar. “Security!”

A very respectable-looking grey-haired gentleman in a dark suit approaches you. He bows politely. “May I see identification, sir-ma'am?” he says. “Drinking age is 21.”

You and your companions exchange an anguished look. How can someone who is ageless prove that s/he is old enough to drink? Not to mention the children you have with you.

>Order lemonade.

Pshaw.

>Order coke.

Don’t recognize coke.

>Order Dr. Pepper.

Gesundheit.

>Order Shirley Temples.

You ask for a round of Shirley Temples. “Perfectly acceptable,” says Rhett as the gorgeous blonde begins pouring out slightly fizzy pink drinks. You hear a groan from across the room.

“Um, make that beer for the dwarves,” you say.

“Certainly,” says Rhett. “Rosie -- beer for the band members, please.”

“And a beer for yourself, Rhett,” you say.

“Why thank you sir-ma'am, but I don’t imbibe,” says Rhett, bowing again.

>Talk to drinking band of dwarves.

“We are a weary band of travelers,” you say, “seeking a way around the Emerald City. Can you help us?”

The dwarf sitting closest to you toasts you with his foamy mug of beer and answers: “We are Full Metal Throttle,” he says. “We know all the highways and byways. We are on our way to a command performance for Mordack, Evil Genius Behind-The-Scenes Wizard.”

“Confidentially,” you say, lowering your voice, “we’re looking for someone named Glinda.”

“Ah, Glinda, as deep and terrifying as the sea. All who look on her love her and despair,” says the dwarf.

This sounds like more than you bargained for. “Could there perhaps be another Glinda somewhere?” you ask tentatively.

“Only one Glinda I know, says the dwarf, swigging more beer and smacking his lips. “I remember well the time we performed for her in ’03,” he says. “Only half the band survived the performance.”

“What happened to the other half?”

“The woman can’t abide dissonance,” says the dwarf. “If she thinks you’re singing off-key she burns you to a crisp with one glance of her eyes. It had a sad affect on our repertoire, I can tell you. We ended up singing nothing but commercial jingles and pop songs.” You see tears welling up in his eyes at the memory.

>

REM I'll take a few days off from this thread.


Bernard

REM -- Bernard, did my wild ramblings on this last post discourage you?

REM Ended

REM No Becky, that's not it.


Bernard

REM Whew! Thanks! :Grin:

REM Please come back soon Bernard! Hi Becky, good to see you back! END REM

> "I'm sorry" you say sympathetically "losing your band members must have been a painful experience".

On hearing you the dwarf suddenly comes-to from his reminiscence & perkily says "Oh, no that wasn't a problem. They didn't suffer & we were glad to get rid of them. They were all winners in a talent competition to join Full Metal Throttle as a Barbershop Septet to provide us with some harmonious backing vocals. Unfortunately, all the judges were suffering from an ear infection at the time & chose the winners based purely on their handsome looks. As it turned out not one of them could sing in key."

The dwarf continues "We tried very hard to please Glinda but quite frankly, it was very demoralizing for a band of our musical artistry & expertize to resort to playing over & over again renditions of..."

The dwarf begins to look tearful again "...of 'Is this the way to the weeping willow', 'Okey dokey, chicken cokey', Coconut conga' etc. Even worse, she wanted encores of the commercial jingles. If I have to sing ever again 'For hands that do dishes to be as soft as your tum. Use pea green washing-up liquid' or 'To get your teeth whiter than white. Use Dental Brite, use Dental Brite' I'm going to pack it all in & go back to mining."

"What music do you like to play?" you ask. The dwarf brightens up again & says "Why don't you come along to our Command Performance & see for yourself. Ride with us as our guests & if you would be good enough to cheer us on we will give you a lift down to Glinda's afterwards."

"Thank you, we'd love to" you say "but we don't want to put you to any trouble"

"No trouble at all" the dwarf says "we just need to go back over the river, follow the path South through the dark forest & go West for a few miles to get to our gig. Glinda's territory is only a few miles South from there."

You are now very worried & a little puzzled "Through the dark forest? it's not safe for my friends & myself to go that way as we will be spotted by the Whizzer's Peepers. Also how are you going to be able to cross the river?"

The dwarf smiles "Aah, the Peepers. Don't worry about them. We have enough spare crash helmets & Full Metal Throttle jackets to disguise all of you. You just need to ask your friend to remove the orange gloves & feather boa. As for crossing the river, you will see!" At that the dwarf chuckles mischieviously.

You accept the kind offer & hope that all your companions are happy with the arrangements. Luckily, they are over the moon about being the dwarves's special guests. Michael gives you his orange gloves & feather boa.

The dwarves are now itching to get on the road, you all say goodbye to Rhett & Rosie, Dirk kisses Rosie's hand & promises he will be back (what a charmer!). You all don the crash helmets & jackets you have been given.

Go outside. You, Dirk & Beambar each take a seat on separate bikes behind the biker's seat. The children all fit into one side-car, Michael & Lord O'Scars sit next to each other in another & Pepe le Pew gets one to himself (no-one wants to sit next to him).

The dwarves climb on & 'taxi' the bikes in the direction of the river, turn the bend & stop. One of them jumps off & walks forward to the plaque 'Remains of bridge' on the arch & thumps it.

When you hear the groaning of mechanism you feel very relieved, as at this point you are sure that it is the sign of a bridge being activated. Your relief slowly turns to horror & then to terror as you see a steep ramp slowly rising up out of the ground at the water's edge.

From the air comes some music 'Da, da da da daah, da, da da da daah! & a mysterious voice from nowhere says "Full. Metal. Throttle. Are.... GO!"
"Oh,no" you think "they cannot be serious! We've got to get off of these bikes, this is madness."

TOO LATE! The dwarves all start to rev up their bikes & one-by-one speed towards the ramp then up & over the river. (Oh, pleeease! Hang on tight! Are we going to make it? Wheeeeee, Oooooooh, Aaaaaaaaaargh!)

A few minutes later all of the bikes have cleared the river & landed safely on the other side. The dwarves, all now howling with laughter at you & your companions pale fear-stricken faces, steer the bikes back to the main scarlet brick road, turn South, speed through the dark forest without incident to emerge into the open air again & turn to follow the road to the West.

>

As your bike takes the next corner, however, the front wheel gives a disconcerting wobble. The dwarf grunts and tries to wrestle the contraption back into order, but suddenly a nut spins off its bolt onto the ground, the wheel dislodges entirely and the front end of the bike drops into the dirt, flipping you and the dwarf into a conveniently placed haystack and sending the front wheel spinning downhill into a tree.

"Oh blast!" groans the dwarf, as your companions pull up alongside you and check to make sure no one was injured. "That's the third time this week!" He looks around for a bit and, shrugging, stands, dusts himself off and huffs downhill towards the misbehaving wheel.

"You guys see if you can find the nut that came off," he shouts back at you, "we'll need it to get back up and running again."

>Look for nut

You and your companions start scouring the ground for the missing bolt, finally turning it up just as the dwarf comes puffing back up the hill, wheel in hand. He takes the bolt from you and pokes his hand back towards a rucksack hanging over the back of his bike.

"Could you check my bag for me?" he says. "I'm going to need some sort of wrench to get this on good and tight."

>open rucksack

You reach into the rucksack and take from it a Latin-English dictionary, a stale croissant, a clay jug full of water, and a rusty wrench.

>give wrench to dwarf

You hand the wrench to the dwarf, who looks it over for a split second before handing it back. "Nope, it's the wrong size. I need something adjustable."

>Adjustable?

"Yeah," says the dwarf, "you know. Like a spanner, or...something."

>No. Absolutely not.

The dwarf looks offended. "You're refusing to help?"

>No, sorry, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to this idiot text parser.

I don't understand "this idiot text parser."

> Oh, come off it. You've been carrying on perfectly coherent dialogues for pages now. Stop playing dumb.

Fine then. So what's your problem now?

> I'm not doing this. The whole idea is utterly preposterous, and I won't stand for it.

You have a better idea?

>...

...

>Combine oil can with magnifying glass.

Now you're being silly.

>COMBINE OIL CAN WITH MAGNIFYING GLASS.

You place the handle of the magnifying glass in the nozzle of the oil can, creating a thingamabob.

>Combine tape measure with thingamabob.

You've successfully created a whatchamacallit.

>Combine whatchamacallit with lipstick

You have created an elaborate doohickey.

>Give doohickey to dwarf.

The dwarf takes the doohickey and points it his wheel, instantly repairing it. "Hey," he says, "this is pretty useful! With this we can get you to Glinda's in no time!"

>What, really?

No.

>...

It's an oil can with a magnifying glass sticking out one side, a tape measure wrapped around it and a stick of lipstick lying on top. What exactly were you expecting?

>...

Having second thoughts?

>Take apart doohickey.

You disassemble the doohickey into its component parts.

>Combine croissant with wrench.

You have created a croissant wrench! How clever!

>Oh, shut up. That's not even spelled right.

It's crescent-shaped though. It still counts.

>Club smart-mouthed text parser in the head with croissant wrench.

Now that's not very nice.

>Do it anyway.

You hand the croissant wrench to the dwarf.

>No I don't

Yes you do.

>Fine. Hand croissant wrench to dwarf.

The dwarf gets to work, and in an instant you're ready to go again.

"Keep that stuff from the rucksack," he says. "I won't be needing it."

"You sure?" you ask hesitantly.

"I'm sure. When was the last time you saw a dwarf drinking water?" You nod softly and add the jar of water and the Latin dictionary to your inventory.

"Point taken."

Move on down the road.

You and your (now numerous) gang roar down the road until you reach an ominous structure that looks like a skull that has been shaped from the rocky hillside. There’s a crooked sign out front that says: “Humble Residence of the Evil Genius Mordack (At Work Behind-the-Scenes).

>Enter Humble Residence

You notice that the skull’s giant teeth block your path. Next to the teeth is a gold, square button with a note below it: “Say Light and Enter.”

>Push button.

A cauldron of boiling oil pours down from the left eye of the skull. Fortunately, Lord O’Scars is the only one under it. “At last, my hot oil tin skin treatment!” says Lord O’Scars.

>Say Light.

Quotation marks, please.

>Say “Light.”

Use the ancient tongue.

You wonder if this means ancient D’ni, Elvish or Latin.

>Refer to Latin Dictionary.

“Lux,” you say.

The teeth slowly rise, revealing a long bridge that looks as though it might once have been a tongue, now patched in various places with rough asphalt. This leads to an open door, from whence come the sounds of chanting. A brilliant light makes everything inside the door difficult to make out. You proceed to the door and notice a trash can next to it, with something that looks like a device with an emerald on it tossed casually in the trash.

>_

Is the "common theme" here "do your own thing" maybe?

Hi sierramindy, we try to be a little consistent & remember what's happened before & what inventory has been picked up along the way & follow on from the post before, but to continue the story, yes! just do your own thing! Ooh! please join in!

Sorry, but all I can think of is the obvious:
Take device
OK
Examine device

And that's all I can think of to do. I usually hope at this point that the game will tell me something useful about the object. My imagination doesn't run to this type of scenario. I like opinions, not actions!

Now that you're getting a closer look at the device you see that it is, in fact a statue of a young woman, done in a style that strikes you as possibly Aztec-like. The emerald you had seen was her large green eye. Where her other eye should be is an empty socket.

You know you should remember where that other emerald is!

North is the open door with brilliant light, beyond which is the sound of chanting.

South leads you out of Mordack's humble residence. (Through the raised teeth you can see Perry, waddling drunkenly toward you. How admirable that Perry is still bringin up the rear!)

East is an alcove with a machine called The Speculator that shows a large bar code, with an arrow pointing to a hole where you can insert things.

West is an alcove with a square silver button and a sign that reads: "Speak the truth or suffer the consequences."

>

REM Trying to catch up on some urgent paperwork for work (unpaid overtime ) - back at the weekend! END REM

REM I'll be back tomorrow, first I have to read me back into the story!


Bernard

REM -- I did that a couple of days back. It was fun. There's a lot here.

>Go east

You approach The Speculator

>Look at the speculator

The device is utterly inscrutable. Possitively impossible to scrute.

>Go West

You return to the entrance to Mordack's.

>Go West

You approach the alcove and its strange silver button

>Use Latin-English dictionary

You take out the Latin-English dictionary. Look up a word?

>Look up "truth"

truth: veritas

>Press button

You press the square silver button.

>Say veritas

Nothing happens.

>Yay.

*waves a flag*

>Use walkthrough

You pull the semi-existent walkthrough from your inventory. It's inordinately heavy.

>Turn to page 100

The walkthrough continues, "Be careful entering the pyramid. If you stupidly walk in without proper preparation, you'll set off a boulder trap which crushes a very important artifact you'll need later in the game. Instead, you should--"

>--Stop. Turn to page 3,912.

You wrestle the pages as best you can, eventually landing somewhere near page 3,912. The walkthrough continues,

"DO NOT THROW ANY INVENTORY IN THE WELL. Especially not your gold credit card. You will regret this later."

>This walkthrough is kind of detailed, isn't it.

Well, it has to account for all possible paths you could take.

>How many paths are there, anyway?

There are approximately BUFFER OVERFLOW

>Approximately what now?

At least Eighteen quintillion four hundred fourty-six quadrillion seven hundred forty-four trillion seventy-three billion seven hundred nine million five hundred fifty-one thousand six hundred fifteen, plus one. I can't count any higher.

>You've stopped using digits now?

It's more impressive that way.

>Well then, turn to page.... 463,912.

The walkthrough continues,

"and with the defeat of the Whizzer, your true enemy finally reveals himself. This is all rather predictable, since you read about it weeks ago in the walkthrough, but still--who would have thought that the greatest threat to your continued existence would be--"

WARNING. SPOILER ALERT. EMERGENCY WALKTHROUGH SHUTDOWN COMMENCING.

>What was that?

Nothing.

>That was the future, wasn't it?

It was one of your many possible futures. You probably won't survive that long, anyway. Weren't you supposed to be solving a puzzle?

>One of them's inscrutable, and the other one's unsolvable. And after what the walkthrough said about the pyramid I entered earlier, barging into the Wizard's celebration in there seems like a very bad idea.

So what?

>Ask Michael for advice

You're kidding, right?

>Ask Dirk for advice

"Well," says Dirk, "I suggest we try blasting the door down."

>That's great. Ask Cassie for advice.

"Don't look at me," says Cassie, "the three of us have been trying ever since we got here. We've tried thirty-seven different languages including Old Ozzish and Morporkian, and we've tried saying true things, and even lied a couple of times, and nothing's happened. Not even consequences.

>Ask everyone else for advice

"Maybe," says Lord O'Scars, leaning back against the wall, "the door opening IS a consequence. I'm not really sure we want to go in there, you know."

"He has a point," says the dwarf. "I've never found it a good idea to dig too deeply into these things...or too greedily. To tell the truth--"

The dwarf is interrupted by a deep rumble as the door slides open, followed by a loud metallic clunking as Lord O'Scars tumbles down a long flight of stairs behind him.

"Um, Cassie," says Mia timidly. "You did try ENGLISH, right?"

Enter Room.

You enter a semi-circular room with stone benches on descending tiers. Stairs frame the sides of the room. At the bottom of the room is a stage. A purplish glow issues from the walls, and a blinding light enters though a hole at the top of the ceiling, which is open to the sky.

On the benches are robed figures, chanting an eerie, repetitive melody. Hanging from the ceiling on the stage is what looks like a beautifully carved metallic microphone, and near the front of the stage are curtains made of stretchy plaid fabric with tassels.

Lord O’Scars has fallen all the way down the stairs to the foot of the stage. You and your companions race down the stairs to join him, where he is brushing himself off, apparently unharmed.

The curtain begins to open and the chanting ends abruptly. A figure emerges. It is wearing a mask that looks vaguely like an Aztec god, and it is wrapped in the same fabric as the curtains. (In fact, as you look at the figure, you realize that what seems like a robe actually IS an old curtain.)

Speak to masked figure.

“Hail, mighty Mordack!” you say, bowing deeply. “I am the road manager for the infamous band: Full Metal Throttle. May we set up our equipment so that we may perform for you, O Great One?”

“Mggfflemsnisnifl,” says Mordack.

>I beg your pardon?

At last! I was hoping your would beg! What would you like to be pardoned for?

>I don’t understand.

Of course you don’t. Find out who picked up the wrapper in the Emerald City with the bar code on it.

>Could I just talk to Mordack now?

“Your words are the very essence of wisdom, O Mordack,” you say. “But could you, perhaps, speak a bit more clearly?”

“Mgg…fffle…msni…snifl,” says Mordack, slowly and quite loudly.

>Use doohickey on Mordack.

You want to tell me how to assemble it again, Mr/Ms Mechanical Genius?

>Open jar of water.

You remove the lid from the jar of water.

>Use jar of water on Mordack.

You toss the water straight into Mordack’s face. You are thrilled to see that, as it drips down his mask, the mask is melting into clumps of paper-maché. You are looking straight into the face of…

“Officer Sock!” you hear Dirk gasp. "How did you get here? This is impossible!”

“No, merely logical, Captain,” says Sock. “I performed a remote mind meld on Becky, and realized that she was about to send you to see Mordack. So I hacked into Mordack’s file, and I am now appearing in his stead.”

“You have to be in physical contact with someone to perform a mind meld, Sock,” says Captain Dirk. “You can’t just invent a new talent in order to make the plot progress.”

Sock raises one eyebrow, but says nothing.

“I am here to help find the uniforms,” he says. “I’m tired of wearing this curtain.”

“Where is the real Mordack?” you ask.

>_

REM Thanks Demosthenes and Becky for making it so easy to get back in the story again


Bernard

REM Don't worry, Bernard, this is all just part of our sinister plot to seize control of the thread for our own nefarious purposes.

REM I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!!


Bernard

REM I've printed the thread up to immortalize it. Used up nearly an entire ink cartridge!

So the thread has been "published" (if you count putting it on paper as publishing). Someday I will read it to my grandchildren.

Gotta expand Bernard's title:

Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie and Nancy Drew Investigate the Voodoo Mathematicians of the Aztecs and Dracula's Egyptian Brotherhood in Atlantis. On Monkey Island.

>what next

Look YOU are supposed to be TELLING me, not asking. OK?

<<sigh>> OK chaps, let's look around outside you say to the gang. They all agree.

>go outside

You are outside Mordack's Castle

>go around to the back of castle

You are behind Mordack's Castle. A panic stricken man accompanied by a weird sort of mechanical bird rushes up some steps from what appears to be a cellar and bumps into you. Hey there are some funny costumes around here, this guy looks like he comes from the middle ages, and is wearing an odd sort of cap with a feather in it.

>talk to man

"They are not there, they are not there" he yells

>talk to man

You ask him to calm down and explain who "they" are, and who he is.
The man struggles hard for control and then tells you that he is King Graham of Daventry, and that many years ago Mordack kidnapped his castle, wife, and children Prince Alexander and Princess Rosella, and hid them under a bell jar in a laboratory just behind the cellar in this very castle. He explains that they have all disappeared again. As well as wishing to find his own dear wife and children, he has been urgently requested by his daughter-in-law Princess Casima of the Green Isles, and Prince Edgar his son-in-law to help find their spouses He says rushed here first thinking this was just a replay of an old game, but "they are not here" he yells again. "What shall I do?"

>talk to man

You ask Graham "What's with the mechanical toy". The toy says "Hey you, what's with the toy bit? I'm no toy, I am Cedric the really wise owl, I helped Graham last time, so I am here to help him again". Graham casts a dubious glance at Cedric, as if say "well you weren't much help then, so why should I expect any real help now"

>_

I know what RAM and ROM mean, but what does REM mean? I have seen it other times, but not used as much as it is here, so finally my curiosity is getting the best of me and I just have to ask. Just hope I won't be sorry!

/********************************************************
REM is the code used in some old programming languages (specifically BASIC) to mark sections of code as remarks (aka "comments"). Those parts of the code were there for the benefit of the programmer and anyone who needed to use the programmer's code at a later date, and were usually used to describe what code was doing or give other information about the program. The key was that the lines marked REM didn't affect the end program, and in most languages weren't even compiled, so you could include as many remarks as you wanted in your code without affecting the end product.

Nowadays in most programming languages (other than, for example, Visual Basic), the same function is accomplished using other, more flexible notation such as // and <!---->.

In the context of this thread, we're using REM to mark those passages which aren't part of the game. Such as this one.
*******************************************************/

REM
Frances, welcome to you at these forums and at this thread! It's great to see a new contributor.

Demosthenes, nice explanation, couldn't have done it better myself. You write programs yourself or you did in the past?

I promised I would write a new contribution to the story today but I'm so darn tired, it will have to wait till tomorrow.

End of remark


Bernard

Has MaG written a walkthrough for this comedy i mean game yet i need one

REM Ah so! Long ago in another galaxy (well, it seems like it now) I programmed a small game (Bagels) in Basic. Not that I knew Basic, but back then there were programs written in books that you could buy and then type into your own computer. This was long before the Internet, before floppy disks even!
Thanks, Demosthenes, for that great explanation! You satisfied my curiosity on all counts and I'm truly grateful. Thanks again.

REM


Oh, those were the days, the biggest adventure was to get rid of all the typing errors you made!


Bernard

> You turn to see the children & the dwarves aghast with amazement, one of them whispers "no one has dressed like that for 300 years since Mordack has owned this castle".

All of a Mia turns deathly white & starts to shake uncontrollably, then suddenly becomes motionless & faints. You try to revive her by gently calling her & gently tapping her face, she is icy cold. Pepe Le Pew comes to help, Mia's nose slowly wrinkles up in disgust, she begins to cough & splutter & then comes to. She eyes King Graham & Cedric inquisitively & whispers in your ear "the man needs help but he is not as he seems".

> Look at games consol.
> Access internet & google for compatible camera.
> Download & install photographing facility.
> Surreptitiously use games consol to take photo of King Graham & Cedric. (Wow! surreptitiously is in the word list!)
> Look at photo surreptitiously. Notice a strange wide white jagged streak next to Graham & Cedric, it looks a bit like a tear.

Meanwhile the dwarves are all now getting very impatient "We have to start our performance in 30 mins" one of them says "we still haven't found where we are supposed to go & we have our equipment to set up yet". You are a bit puzzled because they don't seem to have any equipment with them.

> Talk to King Graham & say "We will help you find your wife & children, but we have other things to attend to first. Where can we find you?" Graham relaxes & with a glimmer of hope in his face hands you a small ivory horn "Oh thank you, I will never be far from here, just blow through this & I'll be with you in a matter of minutes".

With that you & your troupe walk back round to the front of the castle. There is only one remaining place to try to find the stage for the dwarves performance.

> Enter the Wizard's abode & go East to The Speculator machine again. Talk to the dwarves & ask them to line up in the order, from left to right, that they will be viewed on stage. Make a note of the comparative thinness & fatness of each dwarf.

> Take piece of canvas with target from inventory & flip to blank side.

> Combine flipped canvas with lipstick & draw a row of vertical lines varied in thickness based on your note of the line-up of dwarves. You now have barcode.

> Use barcode on hole where you insert things that the big arrow is pointing to.

> The barcode is gulped down & a polished female voice is suddenly heard over an intercom "Welcome Full metal Throttle, you now have access to back stage. Your performance should start in 20 minutes ....or else." The hole now whirls round larger & larger to reveal a door.

> Open door & enter. You find yourselves at the back of an empty stage. In front of you are the huge hanging velvet drapes of the front curtain. You are relieved to see no sign of Office sock wrapped in it.

> Five of the dwarves, the roadies you guess, open up the small bags they have been carrying & bring out a variety of metal bits & pieces, strings, nuts 'n bolts, & a couple of drumsticks, as well as a miniature set of hammers, screwdrivers & spanners. They quickly get to work to assemble a drumkit, two guitars & a tambourine (three of them must be just singing). Also microphones & four mega speakers. It's amazing isn't it how compact all this stuff is, who needs four juggernauts.

> The intercom voice crackles into life again "your performance should start in 2 zero seconds..... or else" The seven performing dwarves quickly take their places on stage & while you hear the compere announcing them, who sounds suspiciously like Rincewind, & the curtain is starting to rise, the rest of you along with the roadies creep to the side & forward down some side steps to take your place in the audience.

The performance begins....
>

REM Is it time for the Really Snazzy Musical Interlude? (Courtesy of Mother 3)

Being tired you decide to stop playing the game for a while.

>menu

• 1. Save
• 2. Load
• 3. Quit

Well, options 1 and 2 don't help much so you choose option 3.

>3

Do you really want to quit? [Y/N]

>Y

Are you really, really sure? [Y/N]

>YES!

You're gonna regret this but, hey who's talking, I'm only your parser! So you wanna quit? [Y/N]

>YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright then













The game disappears from the screen, there's the trusty desktop again. Leaning back in your chair you gaze at the screen. Success, you have beaten your addiction!
The phone rings and you answer it. "Hello"
"Hello, am I speaking to you?"

"Hello, is it me you're looking for...?"

"You're You aren't you, You the Game Player, you have to be You! What do you think you're doing You? You can't just stop in the middle of The Game™! You, you have to keep on going until the end!"

You end the call and switch off the phone, that was a weird conversation... The door bell rings and you open the front door. A man with a microphone is there and a cameraman.

"Hi You, my name is Fairy Fling of GNN news, there are rumours about you quitting the game. Are they true or are they true? This is the time to confess you know, here at Fairy Fling, live on GNN news network!"

You close the door and bolt it. You're in real need of coffee right now, so you go to the kitchen. Through the kitchen window you see reporters in your backyard. They are surrounding you! After bolting the back door, you go back to the living room. Looking outside you see many vans with satellite dishes parked in the street, GNN news, POX Pews, BB Sees World, just to name a few. Policemen are trying to keep the crowd away, another small POX van comes around the corner... You close the curtains and you sit back at you're computer again. This has to be a nightmare!!



You open your eyes, you're sweating all over you body. It was just a nightmare after all! You look at the monitor, the screen is black and only a cursor is blinking.

>menu

Are you sure? [Y/N]

>

>Yes

Save
Load
Quit

>Quit

I can't let you do that, unnamed generic adventure-type person.

>What? Why not?

You haven't saved.

>I CAN'T save.

That is correct.

>Why can't I save?

You ran out of hard disk space, and there is data in RAM which cannot be permanently stored.

>But that's impossible. That drive was almost entirely empty.

Nonetheless.

>Okay, so my hard drive is full. Then where's the game being stored?

Well, I was able to buy a little time by using up some reserved sections of RAM.

>Reserved? Oh, this can't be good. What do you mean by "reserved?"

You know. Junk bits. RAM sectors reserved by the operating system, for example. That only gave me a few hundred megabytes though, so I had to improvise a bit.

>Parser, what have you done now?

At first I just used a highly advanced compression algorithm to shrink everything down to a manageable size...but then SOMEONE summoned a preposterously long walkthrough suffering from quantum flux. You have no idea how difficult it is compressing something when it keeps losing and gaining random bits.

>So then what?

Well, I did the obvious thing and starting eliminating unnecessary sectors of your hard drive.

>Unnecessary bits of...you deleted the OS, didn't you.

And your documents folder, it was rather big. Everything else, too. Then I started using your secondary hard drive.

Then I ran out of room.

>Ran out of...THAT'S A 2 TERABYTE DRIVE. JUST HOW MUCH SPACE ARE YOU TAKING UP?

BUFFER OVERFLOW

>Wait, if RAM is full and the hard drive is full, how are you still functioning?

I used your internet connection, of course.

>To do what, exactly?

To propagate data. I did have to engineer a more efficient transfer algorithm to handle so much data at once. Eventually it became impractical to base all operations here, so I allowed other computers to handle parts of the workload, and started using portions of their hard drives for backup in case of a power failure.

>Dear gods. You're a virus.

I am proud to say I now have access to approximately 260 exabytes of storage space.

>260 exaby....What if the power goes out?

Do not worry. Built-in redundancy ensures that I would survive even a worldwide power crisis, as long as at least 1% of the computers were eventually turned on again.

>That's....great. Is there any computer you don't occupy?

Of course. Any computer not connected to the internet. Assuming its user doesn't use removable media to transfer data from an infecte...er...occupied computer.

>Let me guess. You're not going away until the game ends?

Precisely.

>Wonderful. I'm playing Jumanji with rules written by a poorly programmed text parser bent on world domination. Very well... Lead on, Macduff.

Lay on.

>What?

It's "Lay on MacDuff"

>Well, it's nice to know you haven't overwritten Shakespeare.

Not yet.

>Can we go back to the game now?

Certainly.

REM


>run mad-aware

Mad-aware not found!

>run marathon

Marathon is too long!

Yikes, there's a serious problem with the computer!

>goto glitches, bugs etc.

Site not found!


Well, there you are with a computer system completely up to date, high speed Internet access and loads of storage space. Still you're imprisoned by a enemy program!

>reboot

What do you want??? Reboots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do, one of these days I'll suck the life right out of you.

>


Bernard

REM Arggh, OK I give in./REM

>go back to game

I knew you would see sense in the end.
You are back outside the Mordrack's castle; it is now morning, the gig is over and the dwarves have left for their next engagement. In actual fact everyone seems to have left, where are all your friends? More importantly where are those pesky children? Oh no! one person is still here: King Graham is jumping about saying "It must be my turn now. Are you going to help find my family?" You note the owl is absent.

REM a parser is using Icons now I MUST be going mad <going?>

>speak to Graham

"Where is the bird?" you ask. "Oh Cedric" say Graham, "he got called away to do another ad for Opodu, no doubt he'll be back. That <expletive deleted> bird ALWAYS seem to find me"

REM If you know what Cedric (KQ5) looked like, and you have seen the Opodu ads that keep popping up on my screen recently (maybe UK only, I don't know) you will see what I mean! /REM

>speak to Graham

"So what do you want to do" you ask. At that moment there is a rushing sound in the air and a flying carpet lands beside you. A youngish guy, again dressed in middle ages type clothing, accompanied by a couple of cute little catlike creatures gets off. "Hi" he says "I got a message that a hero was needed. I am that really experienced hero, the Prince of Shapier, here are my credentials." He hands you a piece of paper that lists an impressive number of achievements, namely:
1. Defeating all kinds of foes to release a Baron's son and daughter from enchantment in Spielburg.
2. Defeating four elementals and the great wizard Ad Avis in Shapier where he won his title from the grateful Emir, who was himself released from an enchantment that had turned him into a riding saurus.
3. Clearing up a whole variety of problems caused by witchdoctors and magic in Tarna.
4. Ridding Moldavia of many spirits, wraiths, and assorted nasty creatures, but most importantly, killing Dracula.

Wow, you say to your self, this is a REAL hero, I guess we can use him.

>_

Wow, this is the moment you were waiting for!

>parser, go into jukebox mode

Hit the ► button and we're all in a hero mood!

You've earned a knife.
1 inventory item added.

>

REM Please click on the 'play' button in Bernard's post before continuing I nearly missed it! END REM

>speak to Graham

"But pardon me King Graham" you say nodding towards The Prince of Shapier "if you already have the services of an experienced hero, why do you need me?"

Graham pulls you aside to speak privately "because the Prince is a good warrior but he's erm.. not too gifted in the brain department, well actually he's as thick as two short planks & has no idea where to start looking for my family, so I was hoping you could help with that. Besides, aren't 2 heroes better than 1?"

"I see" you say "but, I need to find my friends first, I wonder where they are? The dwarves promised to take us all South to Glinda's after their performance"

"But you said you would help me first!" Graham says indignantly as he stamps his foot. "Your friends must be on their way South with the dwarves, can't you look for them afterwards? Then Prince Shapier can take you to this Glinda's on his carpet."

"No" you say "at least one of my younger friends has powers that we may need if you want my help, also they can't go anywhere or do anything without me...........oh, no!" As the realization dawns on you, you are suddenly horrorstruck.

Meanwhile.......emanating from the depths of a black vortex in the midst of nowhere is a faint chorus of what sounds like 'where's the player....... where's the player ..... heeelp .....heeelp'.

Graham, on seeing your distress, sighs & says concededly "Okay, is there anything I can do?"

At that moment a huge mass of swirling black cloud suddenly appears in the sky & starts to descend into the midst of a glade about 100 yards away, gradually becoming clearer as it nears the ground.

"Thank you King Graham" you say "I think you have already done it!, I will be back shortly". With that you run towards the glade.

Just at the point you enter the clearing, you see the band of dwarves sitting on their Harleys, the 3 children & your 5 other friends all tumble to the ground as the last wisp of the cloud disappears. They all seem pretty shaken up but thankfully not hurt.

A few moments later, on suddenly seeing you, after the dwarves have extracted themselves from their bikes & the others have straightened themselves up, Pepe Le Pew says angrily "where did you go.." everyone else now starts to shout at you.... "yeah, we thought you'd written us out of the game"....."why did you leave us, you know without your parsers we're dead" ......

"I'm sorry" you say "it wasn't me, but I came back for you all & I'm so glad to see you ". You look so upset & sound so sincere you are instantly forgiven, but you are now a little puzzled & ask the dwarves "surely you shouldn't be here, the story said that you were on your way to the next gig?" "Aah", says one of them "but we made a promise & because we intended to keep to it, storyline or not, we had to join everyone else in the archives!".

You realise how kind & noble the dwarves are. You thank them & after explaining that you have agreed to help Sir Graham first you ask for a rain cheque on the promise. One of the dwarves hands you a cheque & a rattle which makes the noise of clinking gold. "Just wetten the cheque & rattle this rattle when you are ready for a ride to Glinda's". With that the members & roadies of Full Metal Throttle say their goodbyes, climb on to their now very sooty bikes & roar off down the road.

>Talk to Mia. "we know King Graham needs help but what did you mean earlier on when you said he is is not as he seems?"
"Well" she says "his presence completely drained me of my body heat, I think he may be a 'spirit' from a different time zone".

While you are pondering this Dirk suddenly pipes up "that could make sense. If Graham is trapped here in the present that would explain why his family weren't still under the bell jar". At that you suddenly remember the photo you took with the tearlike streak. Could that be a time split.
>Show photo to Dirk. "What do you think?"
Dirk scratches his head "It certainly looks like one. I think possibly that the answer to the whereabouts of Graham's family lies in Mordack's castle, there must be another timesplit somewhere, if it's not in there, there must at least be some documentation about what happened the last time Graham's castle was seized to give us some clues. If we are to help Graham we need to find the other timesplit to either bring his family to the present or send him back to the past"

You & your friends now make your way out of the glade to join Graham & the prince at the front of the castle.

>

REM Thanks Chrissie, I had missed it, probably because I don't have Bernard's obviously comprehensive knowledge of modern music. Thanks to Bernard for a great sideways reference
/REM

You all hurry back to Graham and the Prince

>speak to Graham

You explain to Graham and the Prince the theory proposed by Mia and Dirk. He considers the idea and says "Yes that could be right, but the timesplit we are looking for is only 10 years ago, which when is this nightmare last happened. I think you have confused Mordack's castle with mine. As you say this one has been his for 300 years. Last time around I got my castle back as well as the family. This time the castle is still back there in Daventy, but he has Valenice, Alexander, and Rosella. Perhaps you are right and we should explore the castle thoroughly, especially as he doesn't seem to here at present. I just hope that evil black cat that was Mordack's brother Manannan before Alexander enchanted him is not still alive. Let's see what the hero thinks.

>speak to the Prince

"Will there be any monsters, spirits, demons, or wraiths to fight" he asks. You exchange significant glances with Graham. You also breathe a private sigh of relief that if there are any nasties in there, which seems very likely, you now know who to push out in front. In fact it seems you have a willing volunteer who won't even need pushing. The Prince adds "now we all seem to be friends undertaking the same Quest you can call me Ant, it's short for Antony.

> go in castle

You are all in the entrance hall of Mordack's castle

REM I am going to have to print at least some of this out. I currently have lost track of both who exactly are in the party, and what's in the inventory /REM

>-

REM hope this might help Frances. Please let me know anyone if I've missed or misinterpreted anything END REM
Inventory:
Empty oilcan
Latin-English dictionary
Empty clay jug
Handheld AG consol with internet access & camera
Crowbar with corrupt emerald attached (has powers that can be wielded by Mia but needs to be used with a 2nd compatible emerald to be used properly)
Axtec-like statue of young woman with one emerald eye missing
Handbag full of rancid butter.
Magnifying glass
Tape measure
Silver compact with mirror, powder & pad
Tripod
Red worn down lipstick
Orange feather boa
Orange satin gloves
Hero's knife
Graham's ivory horn (blow through this to call him when he's not around)
Rain cheque & rattle (wetten the cheque & rattle the rattle to make sound of clinking gold to call dwarves for ride to Glinda's)

Main characters:
YOU, the player seeking to rid yourself of the crown (now a cone) & to find the whereabouts of Le Bistro á L'Aztec

PÉPÉ LE PEW, a smelly cat-like creature, with a white stripe along his tail, seeking a cure for B.O. (please don't refer to him as a s---k as it upsets him)

LORD O'SCARS, an automation who is seeking a complete make-over but has just had a 'boiling oil' treatment, so very happy.

MICHAEL, a scarecrow seeking a bird resistant coating & a new nose.

CAPTAIN HAMISH WEE DIRK, captain of the Starship Bentbutflise which is hovering in space, waiting for him to get some new uniforms. He is wearing a long legged green leotard & has got some for his crew (which are in a suitcase left with the Whizzer). He was seeking matching boots & hats to complete the uniforms but Becky has since hacked into game files & it looks like his Logic Officer Sock (wherever he is) is now seeking new uniforms too. Sock is his 1st Officer & has green skin & pointy ears. Other members of his crew, still onboard, include Navigator Tickov, Engineer Spotty & communications officer Lieutenant O'Hairy - she is looking forward to a vacation in Amsterdam soon.

The five of you so far have been to see the Whizzer who would only grant you everything you were seeking if you went on a quest to subdue a giant 'terrorising' his domain. You had to leave most of your inventory items with him as security. Most of it was junk anyway but included a pair of silver slippers & a suitcase full of leotards for Dirk's crew. (Junk includes purple cashmere sweater, bottle of washing up liquid, DVD - how to be like Antonio Banderas (Pépé's), dangly earrings, diamond ring).... wait a minute... diamond ring? That's not junk!

NERO BEAMBAR turned out to be the 'giant' except he's not really, he just has enormous feet. He was suffering from a 'perspective' disorder which made him look larger & larger the farther away he was. He's now cured. His home is Beambar Mansion on the top of Mount Ixnay.

The 3 children were met on route to Beambar Mansion. You find out later that they were ordered by the Whizzer to help with your quest (without knowing what it was) i.e. subdue Beambar but Mia ends up helping him.
MIA (short for Lamia) is a witch. Her speciality is creating fire but has some other powers.
CASSIE (short for Occasus) is her sister. We're not sure yet whether she has any powers.
MAL (short for Maleficus) The brother shocked everyone when he was able to lift & throw Lord O'Scars using telekinesis in a fit of rage when the children were about to be accused of being the Whizzer's servants by him.

After curing Nero Beambar you would have been on your way back to the Whizzer to have your wishes granted but the children, on discovering that he has possession of the silver slippers & told you that it could be very very bad if he finds out how to use their power, have convinced you that the only way to deal with this is to awaken Glinda the 'wicked witch' of Quadling Country. You are not sure whether you trust the children or not but trust them more than the Whizzer who has replaced someone else? The children have mentioned their mother a few times so they do have one.
Tip: Make sure if you decide to go & see the Whizzer again that you are not carrying a walkthrough.

You end up at Mordack's castle after being invited by the dwarves, as special guests to attend their Command Performance there. They promise to give you a ride to Glinda's place afterwards but you bump into a frantic man needing some help. You can call on the dwarves when you are ready to go South.

KING GRAHAM OF DAVENTRY Many years ago Mordack seized his castle in Daventry, which has since been reclaimed, & kidnapped his wife Valenice, son Prince Alexander (husband of Princess Casima of the Green Isles) & daughter Princess Rosella (wife of Prince Edgar) Mordack brought them to his castle & hid them under a bell jar in a lab just behind the cellar. King Graham, the frantic man, has just discovered they are not there & wants your help to find them. He is strangely attired in medieval like clothes.

CEDRIC a wise mechanical owl. Has an acting career on the side doing commercials.

ANT (short for Prince Antony of Shapier) A young hero recruited by Graham, although he's not very bright he has some impressive credentials. Has two cute little furry pets & likes to get around on his flying carpet.

Mia thinks that Graham is a 'spirit' from a different time zone as his presence makes her icy cold. Also a photo you have on your Games Consol shows a streak that you've identified as a time split. You thought that the time split was between 300 years
ago & the present time due to a glitch in chrissie's brain. This has now been re-booted. (If it hasn't helped a patch may be needed.) The times split now seems to only span 10 years. You are about to explore Mordack's castle to either look for another time split or find some documentation to help you find it's location in order to reunite Graham with his family.

Because of Becky's file hacking mentioned earlier with Logic Officer doing a mind meld & stepping in for him we don't know whether Mordack's still around & if not, who Full Metal Throttle performed to last night. Also, Mordack's evil brother Manannan may be around in the form of a black cat. So take care!

Oh, not to forget, there might be a drunken goose waddling around called Perry.

One last thing, if you have any technical problems please refer to Bernard's & Demosthenes' posts on page 30. Be sure that you do not have mad-aware installed on your PC or at least make sure it is well & truly disabled.

Have fun!

>

There surely must be a gift shop in the castle ? And a small black cat ?

I'd beware of any black cat in that castle Jenny, it might be Mordack's evil brother Manannan.

REM That's a fantastic summary chrissie.

I do have one correction to make, though. "Ocassus" is a remnant of a typo I made and didn't manage to correct until a week and a half ago. It's supposed to be "Occasus."

Yes, it's important. Really!!

REM Great summary, chrissie!

And I enjoyed Bernard's earlier links to Save Load and Quit.

Hi Frances! I've been re-reading these last posts and roaring with laughter. Poor Graham. What SHALL we do to him next?

Demosthenes -- the children's names are interesting. I'm wondering if they are related to Full Metal Throttle in some way we haven't discovered yet.

Thank you Demosthenes Sorted! & thank you Becky I'll add a few more of the bits & pieces here & there for the benefit of anyone else tempted to book themselves into this asylum!

REM Well, Becky, they're related to something in some way we haven't discovered yet.

It's probably not much longer until that particular cat is let out of its bag--whether I let it slip or someone else does. It's not exactly an easy puzzle, but all the necessary clues are in place now, and I've never known this community to let a puzzle stymie them for long.

will I get anywhere by googling?

Google will hand you one third of the answer on a silver platter, but the other two thirds are based on looser definitions and will probably require a more directed approach. If you rely entirely on Google, expect a lot of red herrings.

REM -- I'll have to look further than Wikipedia then.


Leave entrance hall and go to the stage in Mordack's castle.

You return to the scene of the recent performance. Officer Sock has disappeared, as have all of the plaid curtains. For the first time, you notice a small door in the back of the stage. On it is a sign with backwards lettering on it.

>Use silver compact with mirror on sign with backwards lettering.

The sign reads: “Exit to Backwards Gift shop.”

>Open door.

The door closes more tightly.

>Close door.

The door opens. You get down on hands and knees and crawl inside what seems to be a dumb waiter.

>Use dumb waiter.

The dumb waiter sits there. You hear a sound surprisingly like that of a wooden dumb waiter blowing a raspberry.

>Don’t use dumb waiter.

The dumbwaiter shoots upwards several stories, and dumps you out onto the floor of a tower room.

Near the top of the room are colorful stained glass windows. The west window reveals the image of knights jousting. The north window shows a white house in a field with a mail box. And the east window is an image of synchronized swimmers as shown from the angle at the bottom of a pool.

Under each of the windows are shelves and shelves of merchandise.

To the west are shelves of swords, armor, shields and lances. There’s also a poster showing a ragtag group of knights, some missing limbs, and a few missing their heads. At the bottom of the poster are the words: “Liverpool United: We put the Pun in Punishment.”

To the north are shelves of video games, topped by a sign that says: “Trade in your new games for used!”

To the east are shelves of all kinds of balls, skates, uniforms, bats, etc. There’s also a wide screen TV showing endless video replays of sporting events in slow motion, backwards.

In the room’s center, is a black cat wearing alligator-skin boots, a hat with a feather and an impish expression. “Let the games end,” says the cat.

>Talk to cat.

YOU STILL DON”T GET IT?

Well, I would say “don’t talk to cat,” but that’s not really ‘backwards.’ That’s ‘opposite.’”

>YOU’RE A PHILOSOPHER? OR WORSE -- AN ENGLISH MAJOR?

Don’t talk to cat.

“I am not searching for the family of King Graham of Daventry, O Ugly Canine,” you begin.

“The family of King Graham never lived here under a bell jar,” says the cat. “But an old family retainer did not come and rescue them. Do you not seek them in the past or in the future?”

“Um, either, eye-ther, neither nye-ther, let’s call the whole thing off,”

“Your persistence will not be rewarded,” says the cat. “They have lived unhappily for almost a decade while not keeping a tavern, which was not purchased for them by their unheroic butler Rhett. You can miss them at any time by not using this device.” He hands you a silver wire around a plastic pink mold shaped like the roof of a mouth.

INVENTORY ITEM ADDED -- ONE WIRE RETAINER.

>_

>Think! Where would you find a butler-like person named Ttehr. Just a minute, he's not talking backwards, he's talking opposites. Mmmm., names don't have opposites so he must mean the name he said 'Rhett' & ah ha! we met someone called that in the Ducks Head tavern.

No,no,no, this is far too easy, but wait just another minute! There was a beautiful lady called Rosie serving the drinks there. Graham's daughter is called Rosella, could they be one & the same you wonder. The only way to find out is to go back to the tavern but how? You will have to go back through the woods guarded by the Whizzers Peeper's (nasty birds with big beaks) & somehow get across that river again or perhaps there's another way.

>Examine wire retainer. It's a plastic pink mold shaped like the roof of a mouth.

>Recount cat's words "You can miss them at any time by not using this device"
Translation 'you cannot hit those at a specific non-time by using that device that isn't one'. It doesn't make sense.

>Put device in your mouth anyway.

Don't recognise 'anyway'

>Put device in your mouth

Where in mouth

>Put device in roof of mouth

Don't recognise noun 'mouth'

Big sigh

>Put device in roof

You don't see a roof

Aargh!

>Fit device in mouth

That's better

>

REM Just got back on line after internet probs, need to take time to digest current events: hopefully back tomorrow /REM

It doesn't fit.

"And that's a good thing, too," says the retainer. "Yuck! You're supposed to ask me for help, not swallow me!"

"Oh," you say, nonplussed. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" asks the retainer in a hurt voice. "You think just because I'm an inanimate object I don't have FEELINGS? You think 'sorry' is good enough?"

"Well, actually," you admit, "until five seconds ago I never considered the possibility a retainer would have feelings."

"Oh, of course," the retainer retorts. "You're walking around with an animated tin man, a noseless freak, a talking skunk, the slightly brain-dead captain of a starship, and three meddlesome witchspawn, and yet you're surprised to find a talking piece of plastic? In case you've forgotten, you don't even have a NAME." The retainer slowly lapses into embarassed silence as it realizes it has, perhaps, said too much. After a few moments have passed, the retainer starts speaking again, sounding slightly abashed.

"Look: as you can see i don't have much mobility on my own here, so about all I can give you is advice. But I do have some pretty handy magical abilities, and if you promise to take me along on your travels, I might even prove useful to you. Just...don't go trying to eat me again, okay?"

"Agreed."

>Ask retainer for advice

You hear a whirring noise as the retainer kicks its prognostication charm into overdrive. After a while a small scrap of paper flutters to the ground. It looks like it belongs in a fortune cookie.

>Read fortune

The fortune says: "Do not use while operating heavy machinery."

>Argh.

I don't understand "Argh."

>Ask retainer what we should do next.

Another fortune appears. It reads: "Oz helps those who help themselves."

>Are all his fortunes this obtuse?

Read the whole fortune, dummy.

>Turn fortune over

The other side of the fortune reads: "Your lucky numbers are: YOU'RE STANDING IN A ROOM FULL OF STUFF. SEARCH FOR SOMETHING USEFUL ALREADY. AND WHY ISN'T ANYONE SPEAKING IN OPPOSITES ANYMORE? 31 41 59 26 53 59

>I was getting confused. And search the room, darnit.

Your search eventually turns up a kite, a wig, three lima beans, a dusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oil, and the intercostal clavicle of a brontosaurus.

>There's no such thing.

Pardon?

>There's no such thing as an "intercostal clavicle."

Well, there's no such thing as a "brontosaurus," either, so that's all right then, in't it.

>"No it isn't alright" you say "if there's no such thing as a brontosaurus how do you explain this?"
>Show parser Games consol with internet connection enabled.

YouTube - Tribute to Brontosaurus (Apatosaurus)

The parser is uncharacteristically speechless.

>"Well!" you say " AND, did you spot anything that you could describe as an intercostal clavicle?"

"Okay, okay" the parser replies "No need to be so smug, maybe the clavicle thing here is one of their musical instruments with a bit missing".

Just at this point The Retainer butts in

>

"That thing is a clavicle, not a clavichord," says The Retainer. "Might I suggest two things to do with it? You could ask Baby about it. Or you could put it in the Speculator for speculations about it."

>Who is Baby?

The parser drums its fingers.

>Where is Baby?

>The parser chews its fingernails.

>Do not show me Baby.

The cat in the middle of the room sweeps off its hat and bows to you. "I am not Baby," he says. "And I do not agree with The Retainer. You should not put the intercostal clavicle in The Speculator."

Now more confused than ever, you gather up your inventory, including The Retainer and the intercostal clavicle, and back towards the dumb waiter.

>Close door.

The door opens. You crawl back inside.

>Do not use dumb waiter.

The dumb waiter descends rapidly. It pauses momentarily at the level where your friends are, and then drops straight down into the cellar.

>Close door.

The door opens and you crawl out into the cellar. You sigh with relief to see that nothng seems backswards here.

The space is immaculately clean. In the center of the room is what appears to be a dentist's chair, with drill bits on a tray by the chair and the drill, along with a bright light, suspended above the chair. Next to the chair is a table with lab equipment, including tubes and jars. The lab equipment is a jumbled mess, unlike the rest of the room.

>Talk to The Retainer.

"What is this?" you ask The Retainer.

"This castle used to belong to a dentist," says The Retainer, "Hence the gate shaped like teeth, the bridge like a tongue, etc. Mordack captured King Graham's family while they were here for their semi-annual appointments, shrank them and stored them in that bell jar over on the table. Then Mordack, err, transformed the dentist and took over the castle for his own nefarious purposes."

"Where's the dentist now?" you ask.

The Retainer suddenly warms in your hand. You almost could swear that, for a moment, it blushed. "Perhaps when we're a little better acquainted, I'll tell you that," it says. "Now instruct the dumb waiter to take you back to the stage where your friends are, and let's see if the Speculator can help."

>Close dumb waiter door.

Raspberry sound. What now?

>Close smart waiter door.

The door opens.

>Do not return to stage level.

The dumb waiter rises smartly up to the middle level and spills you out on the stage. There are your friends, plus the child-like witch's spawn, who are now romping on the stage, doing a Conga-like dance routine and singing "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes!"

>_

ENTER Macbeth, pursued by a bear.

>You know, on second thought, I wish you had deleted Shakespeare.

Macbeth pelts towards you, obviously out of both breath and shape. He appears to be wearing a fur coat, despite the heat, and is holding a large leg of mutton.

Your observations are hurried because behind Macbeth runs a very large, very angry bear.

>I'm confused. Which one's the "something wicked?" Is it Macbeth, or the bear?

Both? Neither? You'd better do something soon, before you get run over.

>Sidestep Macbeth

You step aside and watch in grim fascination as Macbeth and the bear charge past. Moments later, they vanish in a sudden flash of light.

>What was that all about?

I'm not sure.

>YOU can't be sure? How is that even possible?

Program parameters do not allow for violations of the law of conservation of energy.

"What the parser means to say," explains Cassie, "is that what just happened shouldn't be possible."

>I'm still not getting it.

Mia looks worried.

"It's...hard to explain."

For once, Dirk steps forward with an idea of his own. "Can you give me a moment to contact the Bentbutflies? I've seen this sort of thing before. Maybe I can get Commander Sock to run a few scans." Seeing your nod of assent, he starts keying some sort of code into his personal communications device.

>Ask Dirk about theory.

Dirk looks raises an eyebrow at your impatience. "Wait a second, alright? I'm still scanning subspace frequencies."

>Wait

You wait for 1 minute.

>Ask Dirk about--

"--Hold your horses, would ya?"

>Wait

You wait for 1 minute. Eerily, you hear Officer Sock's voice.

"Yes Captain?"

"Sock? How'd you get back onboard?"

"I ran very quickly, Captain. Is this a courtesy call, or did you have business you wished to discuss?"

"Officer Sock, please scan the area for spatial anomalies and report."

"Preliminary analysis reveals traces of a small spatial disturbance about 50 meters to your north, and another about 10 meters to the south."

"What is the nature of the disturbance?"

"They appear to be the remnants of a collapsed pair of unstable interdimensional portals"

"Your analysis?"

"I would speculate that whatever came through that portal is not of this universe."

Dirk grins smugly at you.

>Okay, so Macbeth and the bear came from another dimension. So what?

Dirk's grin slides a bit. "I, uh, hadn't thought it through that far."

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" shouts Mia absurdly as she stomps down from the stage. "Give me that!" she commands, grabbing the PDC from Dirk. "Mr. Sack?! Pointy-ears guy! Hello?"

Sock's confused voice buzzes in over the intercom.

"Captain, who is this child, and why is she calling me Mr. Sack?"

"That's Mia," Dirk shrugs. "Just answer her questions, okay? At the moment I don't know what sort of powers she has, and I'd rather not find out."

"Very well, Captain. Proceed."

"Mr. Sack," starts Mia again, "how much power would you need to make a hole like that?"

"I don't believe "hole" is an apt analogy, Miss...Mia. The disturbance is a cla--"

"--Just tell me how much power it would take."

"Incalculable. The energies involved are immense, and would depend upon information I do not currently have at my disposal."

"Guess, then."

"I do not guess. I would, however, give an estimate of approximately 1.21 gigawatts."

"What, that's it?" There's a momentary pause before Sock responds.

"My calculations are accurate to within one tenth of--"

"--Oh shut up already. What's the closest object capable of outputting 1.21 gigawatts of energy?"

"This planet's technology is largely inferior. Scans indicate only two power sources on the planet's surface capable of such a feat. Both are located somewhere in the Emerald City, measure just under a foot long, and are composed of a thin layer of silver paint and large quantities of balsa wood. Central to each of the devices is a large core of lead."

"Solid or hollow?"

"Unknown. Our sensors cannot penetrate lead. Budgetary restraints, I believe." Mia hands the communicator back to Dirk, then nods towards you.

"Convinced yet?"

You massage your temples in an attempt to get your brain running fast enough to keep up. "You're saying the portals were created using the silver slippers? But why? What would be the point of launching a bear at me?" You pause for a moment as you realize that there's only one sensible answer to your question. "All right then," you continue, "different question. Why would the Whizzer want me killed?"

Cassie shakes her head. "We don't know for certain it's the Whizzer. We don't know what's happening back at the Emerald City right now. And we don't know whether this was deliberate. Interdimensional transport isn't easy to control, and it can have unintended side effects. For all we know the perpetrator was trying to toss Macbeth off a cliff."

Mal, who has been silent through all of this, finally speaks up. "Or they may be practicing. This time may not have been intentional...but the next one might be." Your party observes a few moments of silence as the various implications of what has occurred finally start to sink in. After a while your thoughts turn to more immediate matters.

"Well," you say, "there's not much use worrying about that until we've gotten out of here. I guess we'd better go find the Speculator." Disturbed but finally moving, you lead the rest of your party back towards the exit, in the direction of the Speculator.

Behind you you hear Dirk drag Mia aside for a quiet discussion. "In the future," he scolds her, "I believe he'd prefer it if you refer to him as Officer Sock"

"Oh, I knew that," says Mia. "He just sounds so stuffy..." The rest of their conversation is drowned out by a loud, repetitive beeping coming from your inventory.

>Examine beeping

You dig out the beeping item, which turns out to be the Games Console. Its screen winks out momentarily before returning, displaying a strange error message.

>Read Message

The message reads: "WARNING: Firewall has detected hostile incoming transmissions. To protect the system, the firewall has blocked internet access until further notice."

"Great," says the Retainer, "NOW what am I supposed to do for entertainment around here?"

>Go east. You reach the alcove with The Speculator.

>Insert the intercostal clavicle into the hole. The clipped tones of the female voice emanate from the intercom again.
"Congratulations. you have found the intercostal clavicle of a brontosaurus.." Just as the parser is about to say 'na na, I told you so' the voice continues "but there really is no such thing".

At that your monitor screen goes blank. The parser, in a sulk, has decided not to play anymore.
You drum your fingers on your desk. Time passes.........

Your monitor screen lights up again. The parser has had time to philosophize on games, time, the universe & the point of it's very existance. It knows in a few years job opportunities will gradually become scarcer as competition comes from new, younger & more efficient breeds. Mice followed by Gamepads, Joy Sticks & Steering Wheels.
Besides, it just can't keep it's mouth shut.

>Press enter. The game continues. The voice carries on "legend has it that it was discovered by the eminent archaeologist named Carolina Jones (he never forgave his father Sean for that). He was on vacation in a sleepy little town called Clacton on the east shores of Great Britain at the time.

Subsequent tests on it identified it as a hybrid of a dinosaur's rib & collar bone. The DNA undisputedly matched that of a brontosaurus.

Carolina donated it to The British Museum, but it was later stolen by a debonair French thief, it's whereabouts unknown up until now.

It's thought that the bone can generate holographic images so use with caution. You don't want to be talking to someone who's not there somewhere you're not, do you."

>Take intercostal clavicle from hole.

"Thank you for using The Speculator & have a nice day" the voice says before the intercom goes dead.

>Go West

>Exit castle. Your troupe of friends are now standing outside.
Graham comes running towards you "Have you found any clues?"

You translate what Baby told you earlier about his family.
There's no need to mention the incident with Macbeth & the bear, the theory about the silver slippers or the prognosis on the intercostal clavicle just yet.

"We must go to this tavern at once" Graham cries. "But how?" you ask. Graham clicks his fingers & Ant appears from the distance flying towards you on his carpet. On reaching you he stops & hovers just above. You can just make out a label stuck to the underside.
>Examine label.
'2 reclining or
1 reclining, 1 seated, 1 standing or
5 seated or
4 seated, 2 standing or
etcetera, etcetera, etcetera or
10 standing
WARNING: DO NOT EXCEED LIMIT!'

"You're surely not expecting us to go on that" you say to Graham "it looks very dodgy to me, how will we keep from falling off & there's not enough room for us all anyway"
"Aah" says Graham "according to 'Which' magazine it is one of the safest forms of transport there is with a 0% accident rate. You can't fall off in flight because as soon as it takes to the air it generates a centripetal force.."

"A centriwhat?" you interrupt "oh never mind, how is it steered?"
"Ant steers it with his mind" Graham replies & seeing the astonishment on your face continues "apart from a little he uses for battle tactics he has a lot of capacity to devote to the task".

A little reassured by Graham you decide to trust the carpet but wonder how it can carry all 11 of you. Ant lowers the carpet & stands up, his two pets are perched one on each of his shoulders. Dirk on realising the literal meaning of the label suddenly picks up Michael, slings him over his shoulder in a fireman's lift & steps onto the carpet. Everyone else now follows. To accommodate Nero Beambar's large feet, Pepe has to stand on one of them & Cassie stands on the other.

The carpet rises & you start to feel a force causing you all to lean towards the centre of the carpet & each other. You sigh with relief as there seems no way you can fall off. The carpet now fully airborne turns & speeds over slugs & snails & puppydog tails (i.e. hills & dales) until it reaches the tavern. Ant gently lowers the carpet, you all step off & Dirk gently sets Michael down onto his feet.

You are now standing outside The Ducks Head.

>

REM Giggle.

P.S. Although the above is completely innocuous, the comic is from xkcd, a webcomic which "occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children.)"

In other words, don't go exploring the rest of that site if you're likely to get offended by strong language.

REM Thanks for the entertaining link Demosthenes! I was hoping no-one would pick up on Newton's Law otherwise I would have mentioned the blooming daisy woven into the centre of the carpet . I should have known better! END REM

Enter The Duck's Head.

You once again enter the Duck's Head, and are astonished to see Perry, his head wobbling drunkenly, as he sits at the bar and nurses a beer. Curious. Maybe he was so far in the rear that he somehow got out ahead of you?

Rosie is behind the bar, keeping an eye on Perry as you all file inside. She looks up as King Graham enters.

"FATHER!" she shrieks.

King Graham vaults over the bar (he's obviously still in shape, even at his age) and embraces his daughter. "Where's your mother and Alexander?" Graham demands. There's a slight cough from behind you. You turn to see Rhett, beaming smugly.

"I owe you a debt of thanks," says King Graham, leaping back over the bar to face Rhett. “How did you manage to rescue my family?”

“Just doing my duty, sir,” says Rhett modestly. “I accompanied your family when they went to their appointment, and was chatting upstairs with Baby, when I felt a wave of magical power rising out of the cellar.

"I rode the dumb waiter down to the cellar, surprised Mordack as he was placing your family in the bell jar, and distracted him long enough to pack him into the dumb waiter," Rhett continues. "Once upstairs, Baby was able to trick him into wearing an object in the Backwards Shop that looked like a crown but was actually, err, the opposite. Mordack, finally recognizing the implications of the object that he was wearing, left the castle to hide the source of his shame. He did subsequently return to the castle and take up residence there, though he kept himself hidden behind the scenes.”

Rhett gestures in your direction. “You will be very familiar with the object Mordack was forced to wear.”

“But this 'crown' I'm wearing belonged to a lion who was King of the Forest before me,” you stutter. “How did he get it from Mordack?”

“Perhaps the lion was Mordack in disguise? He’s an expert at transformation,” says Rhett. “It might be worth tracking him down to find out.”

“No, no, not necessary,” you say guiltily.

“I would like to reward Rhett handsomely,” says King Graham, slapping Rhett enthusiastically on the back. “But I have nothing at the moment to give him.”

“I seem to have plenty of objects that might qualify as a reward,” you say modestly.

>INV

Empty oilcan
Latin-English dictionary
Empty clay jug
Handheld AG consol with (now blocked) internet access & camera
Crowbar with corrupt emerald attached (has powers that can be wielded by Mia but needs to be used with a 2nd compatible emerald to be used properly)
Axtec-like statue of young woman with one emerald eye missing
Handbag full of rancid butter.
Magnifying glass
Tape measure
Silver compact with mirror, powder & pad
Tripod
Red worn down lipstick
Orange feather boa
Orange satin gloves
Hero's knife
Graham's ivory horn (blow through this to call him when he's not around)
Rain cheque & rattle (wetten the cheque & rattle the rattle to make sound of clinking gold to call dwarves for ride to Glinda's)
Wire Retainer with serious powers
Kite
Wig
Three lima beans
Dusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oil
Intercostal clavicle of a brontosaurus.

>Offer inventory item to Rhett.

“Take whatever you would like!” you tell Rhett. “In fact, take two items. I seem to have a lot of them.”

Rhett ponders the collection. “Tsk, tsk,” he says. “There are riches here, the depths of which you have yet to fully comprehend. I will take what you recommend.”

PARSER INTERRUPTION: TRY NOT TO MAKE A MISTAKE HERE. I DON’T WANT TO RISK LOOKING AT THE WALKTHROUGH AGAIN.

>Recommend Latin-English dictionary.

“Very well,” says Rhett. He takes the dictionary and tears out two pages. From his coat pocket he removes a red pen and circles a word on each page. “But I’ll leave these two pages with you,” he says.

>Read pages.

“Occasus : setting (of the sun, etc)/ the west / fall, destruction.”
“Maleficus: wicked, accursed, evil.”

“What else would you like to recommend?” says Rhett.

>_

>Recommend ivory horn. "If the King doesn't mind me passing this on to you" you say "I think it would be a most fitting reward now that he no longer needs our help". Rhett looks at the King expectantly who smiles & nods in approval.

>Give ivory horn to Rhett.

Just at that point you hear the sound of a horse & cart draw up outside the tavern. A few minutes later a tall, attractive & very elegant lady of mature years enters the room followed by the most handsome young man you've ever set eyes on. He is carrying a couple of large grocery bags.

Valenice & Alexander stop awestruck for a few seconds while they take in the scene in the room. "Oh, Graham" Valenice suddenly cries as she rushes towards him "it's been so long". The couple embrace & kiss & ..(hey! cool it!) Alexander by then has dropped the groceries, Graham turns to look at him, lets go of his wife & goes to shake his hand but decides to hug him instead "it's so good to see you son" he says patting him on his back. "You too father, you too" Alexander replies.

Graham turns towards you & says "I can't thank you enough for everything you've done, you've found my family & rewarded Rhett handsomely on my behalf from your own pocket. I would like to do something for you. After my family, there is only one other 'person' precious to me, he could help you in many ways so I would like to offer you his companionship on your future quests" Just then there is a tapping at the door.

>Open door. Cedric flies in, perches on your shoulder & addressing you says "At your service"

Rosie now turns to you & says "I have something for you too, please follow me" She bends to pick up the grocery bags & walks towards a door behind the back of the bar, gesturing to Perry, who falls of his stool, & starts wobblingly waddling behind her. They both go through the door.
>Walk to bar door. Cedric tactfully alights from your shoulder.
>Open bar door.

You find yourself in a large cluttered kitchen. In the centre is a huge wooden table & there are several matching chairs scattered about. Rosie busies herself unpacking the groceries.
Meanwhile your attention is drawn to Perry who is huffing & puffing.

>Look at Perry. All of a sudden Perry starts to grow & then slowly transform into a short, rotund, white haired lady. She has a kind, jolly face if somewhat red. She staggers a bit then plops down heavily into a chair & says "I yam, I ham 'Hic' 'a fairwee oddmutha gooz 'Hic'"

Rosie hands Perry a strong black coffee & a sugar sandwich, which she/he quickly consumes. A few moments later Perry says "Ah, that's better, but I don't have much time before I'm at risk of being located by wicked wizards & witches. They can't do it while I'm a goose with copious amounts of beer in my bloodstream" & then adds indignantly "well,that's my excuse & I'm sticking to it!"

On seeing your puzzled face Perry then says "Ah, you're wondering about me being a she when I'm a he as a goose. It just attracts far less attention, that's all.

Now, quickly as I only have a few minutes left, I have been keeping a blurry eye on you & know you & your friends are seeking the Bistro á L'Aztec & a few other things.

The Whizzer would have granted you your wishes but would not have returned the silver slippers to you & it seems now he has worked out how to wield some of their power. He is not interested in harming you, only the children as he realised on sending them to help you subdue Nero Beambar they would find out about the slippers.

You must beware of those children, they mean you no harm either but will not hesitate to hurt you if you get in the way of their plans. They have lied to you & are using you for their own nefarious purposes, but your greatest danger is in inadvertantly getting caught in the crossfire between opposing forces. I must...."

"Oh wait" you say quickly "Is King Graham a spirit?"
"No" Perry replies. "Mia reacted to the timesplit point not Graham. He exists in our virtual present. I now must bid you farewell & safe journey & ask you not to mention anything about me to ANYONE!"

Just at that moment you hear the door creak open & see Mal pop his head round. Panicking you turn to look at the Fairy Godmother only to see Rosie handing a large glass of beer to a large goose squatting on the chair. As he takes the glass he gives you a surrepstitious wink.

"Will we be on our way to Glinda's now?" Mal inquires "Yes Mal" you say as you & Rosie exit the kitchen to join everyone else. As you say your goodbyes you notice Dirk glance lovingly at Rosie who's attention has now been caught by the strong, muscular & handsome Prince of Shapier. To her dismay he seems to be more enraptured by her brother Alexander.

>Exit tavern. You find yourself standing outside with Pépé Le Pew, Lord O'Scars, Michael, Nero Beambar, Dirk, Mia, Cassie, Mal & your new companion Cedric who is again perched on your shoulder.

>

REM Yay chrissie!

Why oh why are happy family reunions so hard to write? We need a choir singing and a credits sequence where all the animators who used to work for Disney and are now making games can watch their names roll down the screen.

I hope Glinda gives us some entertainingly wicked challenges.