Posted By: gymcandy1
Sunday's - 08/26/12 01:54 AM
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000), Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Heavily laden with groceries, my aunt asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she unlocked and opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list of errands.
A moment later, the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my aunt.
"Lady," he said firmly, "I don't mind helping you load your groceries, but I really gotta draw the line at driving you home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy who worked with my brother was transferred to the city where I live. My brother called me and said this guy had cerebral palsy and would need to hire some people to help him unload his van and trailer when he got there. My brother asked if I had any ideas of where his co-worker might find some day workers to help.
The Salvation Army had just had an article in the daily paper about a new program they had to get people down-and-out on their luck some day jobs. I told that to my brother and he said he`d tell the guy who was transferring.
Later that day my brother called back to say he happened to hear his co-worker, who was using a speaker phone, call the Salvation Army in my city. He had dialed the number I provided. Someone answered his call and said, "Salvation Army."
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
He said, "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night and please send a couple of wickedly strong guys to help me move-in to my new apartment on Friday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was checking out at the busy Super Market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins.
When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was at her hairdresser' s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 'Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'
We're taking Continental, ' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'
'Continental? ' exclaimed the hairdresser. ' That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'
'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'
'Don't go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'
'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.
'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental' s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
'And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'
'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the
Pope.'
'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
'Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me.
'Oh, really!What'd he say ?'
He said: 'Where did you get that ungodly Hairdo my child?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maury the shepherd sent his sheep-dog out to gather and count the flock to make sure none were missing. The dog returns and says that there are 40 sheep.
Maury: "40? I only started with 38!"
Dog: "Yeah, but you told me to round them up."
Round up.................get it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Policeman: You cant park your car here.
Driver: Why not?
Policeman: Read that sign.
Driver: I did. it says, "Fine for parking", so I parked.
Fine for parking.... My guts are splitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
How are you all? Going to enjoy your Sunday?
My toe itches. Does that mean somebody's going to give me money?
I really doubt if anyone gives a foot how much my toe itches.
Guess what! IT'S FRIDAYYYYY!! WHO WOO! I mean WOO HOO!!
Oy! It's late late late. Gotta git to bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000), Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Heavily laden with groceries, my aunt asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she unlocked and opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list of errands.
A moment later, the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my aunt.
"Lady," he said firmly, "I don't mind helping you load your groceries, but I really gotta draw the line at driving you home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy who worked with my brother was transferred to the city where I live. My brother called me and said this guy had cerebral palsy and would need to hire some people to help him unload his van and trailer when he got there. My brother asked if I had any ideas of where his co-worker might find some day workers to help.
The Salvation Army had just had an article in the daily paper about a new program they had to get people down-and-out on their luck some day jobs. I told that to my brother and he said he`d tell the guy who was transferring.
Later that day my brother called back to say he happened to hear his co-worker, who was using a speaker phone, call the Salvation Army in my city. He had dialed the number I provided. Someone answered his call and said, "Salvation Army."
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
He said, "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night and please send a couple of wickedly strong guys to help me move-in to my new apartment on Friday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was checking out at the busy Super Market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins.
When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was at her hairdresser' s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 'Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'
We're taking Continental, ' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'
'Continental? ' exclaimed the hairdresser. ' That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'
'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'
'Don't go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'
'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.
'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental' s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
'And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'
'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the
Pope.'
'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
'Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me.
'Oh, really!What'd he say ?'
He said: 'Where did you get that ungodly Hairdo my child?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maury the shepherd sent his sheep-dog out to gather and count the flock to make sure none were missing. The dog returns and says that there are 40 sheep.
Maury: "40? I only started with 38!"
Dog: "Yeah, but you told me to round them up."
Round up.................get it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Policeman: You cant park your car here.
Driver: Why not?
Policeman: Read that sign.
Driver: I did. it says, "Fine for parking", so I parked.
Fine for parking....
My guts are splitting.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
How are you all? Going to enjoy your Sunday?
My toe itches. Does that mean somebody's going to give me money?
I really doubt if anyone gives a foot how much my toe itches.
Guess what! IT'S FRIDAYYYYY!! WHO WOO! I mean WOO HOO!!
Oy! It's late late late. Gotta git to bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Have a great day all 
, SQFan, Bea, Shyty, Haroula, Gerry, Sue, venus, Gail when you come in 
I'm pretty sure hubby is not going to move off his recliner. 
