Posted By: gymcandy1
Friday's Dazzling Daze - 11/30/12 07:12 AM
There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.
Booker T. Washington
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Temperature Effect
Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).
50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian cars don't start.
32 Water freezes.
30 You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start.
25 Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
20 You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.
15 French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move south.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fun things for professors to do on the first day of class:
1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."
7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."
9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
19.Address students as "worm."
20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Sometimes I'm just too tired to even try to be
funny.
Four days down, two to go.
Two closes down, and two to go, and after closing, my feet literally feel like I'm walking on pins and needles.
Don't ask me which feels worse, the pins or the needles.
On the positive side, at least I don't feel that way when I sit down.
Also on the positive side, I absolutely positively need to get to the bedroom and use my bed.
I like to lay on it and do my impression of a paper weight.
Actually I think it's more like a sheet weight.
The only thing I like doing more than that is lying on the couch doing my impression of a vegetable.
OY! I hope these old feet will carry me all the way back there.
Although I have some experience with crawling, I prefer to keep that option as a last resort.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Booker T. Washington
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Temperature Effect
Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).
50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian cars don't start.
32 Water freezes.
30 You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start.
25 Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
20 You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.
15 French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move south.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fun things for professors to do on the first day of class:
1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."
7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."
9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
19.Address students as "worm."
20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Sometimes I'm just too tired to even try to be
funny.
Four days down, two to go.
Two closes down, and two to go, and after closing, my feet literally feel like I'm walking on pins and needles.
Don't ask me which feels worse, the pins or the needles.
On the positive side, at least I don't feel that way when I sit down.
Also on the positive side, I absolutely positively need to get to the bedroom and use my bed.
I like to lay on it and do my impression of a paper weight.
Actually I think it's more like a sheet weight.
The only thing I like doing more than that is lying on the couch doing my impression of a vegetable.
OY! I hope these old feet will carry me all the way back there.
Although I have some experience with crawling, I prefer to keep that option as a last resort.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I hope today is a great day for you all!Coffee is a brewing 
Shopping with SIL later today. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful TGIF. Danish and Waffles in the NC. 
So I had to take that one out and put the old one back in till a new one can be had.
Hope your son is fine!! HUGS!
