Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day....oops - 02/13/14 05:32 AM
It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear.
Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~~~~
Caddy-Golder Dialogues
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
~~~~~~~~~
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to take a wee."
~~~~~~~~~~
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
~~~~~~~~
An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."
~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a mad mad mad mad world!!
Got home in time to scarf down a few bites of dinner, and now I have to get to bed so I can get back up at 5:30.
It really ticks me off when they do that.
Just to make them pay, I'm not showering tonight and I am going to stay as close to my manager as possible all day tomorrow.
I will wear clean clothes.
I'm outta here, ya hear?
Have a kissy day everyone.
joe
Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~~~~
Caddy-Golder Dialogues
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
~~~~~~~~~
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to take a wee."
~~~~~~~~~~
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
~~~~~~~~
An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."
~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a mad mad mad mad world!!
Got home in time to scarf down a few bites of dinner, and now I have to get to bed so I can get back up at 5:30.
It really ticks me off when they do that.
Just to make them pay, I'm not showering tonight and I am going to stay as close to my manager as possible all day tomorrow.
I will wear clean clothes.
I'm outta here, ya hear?
Have a kissy day everyone.
joe
Hopefully it's turns to rain pretty soon the temp is 29.Coffee Is ready! A great day wished for all 
Hope the time flies for you. To answer your question from yesterday, I live in Maryland. 
Hope your class and your project go well today. Hope you get the day off that you want!
When I'm not shoveling snow from my car, I will probably be gaming. 
Have a lovely day!
Getting a wee break here and then more high winds and rian coming in Saturday. Actually going to be very windy and raining tonight after midnight but not the over 60 mph gusts. Hanging in there with my Mum but getting more difficult. Can't wait to get the official diagnosis but that is later this month. I wanted to go to my friends Celebration of Life but that is impossible with current situation. There will be hundreds there as she had a huge personality and was well known in my church/alumni circle. 58 is too young to die! 
Off I go to complete some more tasks!! Happy Gaming everyone and let's collectively pray for Spring!! 
