Slurp & Burp Monday

Posted By: gymcandy1

Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 05:15 AM

I'm the only person I know that's lost a quarter of a billion dollars in one year.... It's very character-building.
Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011), Apple Confidential 2.0

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.


Your Owner

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved 30 miles away.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,


Definitions of words by gender...

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a jock strap.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Good morning all. wave

I started to call today's diner Mellow Monday, but I like the other title better. wink

It suits my childish immature nature and hey, if slurping and burping ain't mellow, I don't know what is. razz

I'd rather be wasting away in Margaritaville but my yacht is in dry dock having it's barnacles scrapped. shocked

I've decided to spend the day at leisure at the local big box home improvement store. snicker

They have a lot of fun activities for their.....uhm....subservients. blush

Speaking of servings, I think have another serving of that 'mellow pudding'. woot

Have a happy day everyone. urock

Posted By: Haroula

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 06:38 AM

Have a happy day Joe and all. happydance smile wave
Posted By: cailyn

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 07:14 AM

Good morning Joe,Haroula waveI know it's kind of early but Tigger got me up to go out laband now I can't get back to sleep sleepI'll put the coffee on and hope I can nap later spring
Posted By: Kaki's Sister

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 10:20 AM

Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe hope you "mellow" out today! Haroula have a happy day too. Cailyn thanks for the coffee and hope you get to nap later. Wishing everyone a great Monday! wave
Posted By: connie

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 12:06 PM

Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Monday. Danish and Waffles in the NC. lab
Posted By: GBC

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 02:02 PM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, enjoy the day!

Sue, I love getting up when the coffee is already brewing and waiting for me. O walk up at 4:00 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Gerry, a good day is wished for you.

Connie, thanks for the goodies. Hope your day runs smoothly.

Been raining here for three days. Need some sun. Wishing everyone a super Monday. blackkitty
Posted By: gymcandy1

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 02:32 PM

Good morning everybody. wave

Hope you're all enjoying it. bravo

I'm getting ready for work. I have been put on mid-shifts for the duration of the Summer sales season. We call it the 100 days of hell. That means 10 to 7 every week day. YUK! thumbsdown

10 to 7 means you don't have much time to do anything before work, or after work. smirk

We have three or 4 days of rain possibility forecast, and it's very overcast this morning. razz

I hope you all have a great day. rah rah rah

Posted By: MaG

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 02:40 PM

Hi everyone! Have a wonderful day!

Thanks, Joe!
Posted By: Darlene

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 03:03 PM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Slurp & Burp Monday goes easy peasy!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted By: flutist

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 03:13 PM

Good morning all.

Going up to the 70's today. Grass is starting to turn green, some plants are emerging, Bradford Pear trees are going to bloom soon. Ah, signs of spring. Now we could use some rain.

Susie got her hair cut the other day. Vince found someone who would come to the house. She got all the knots and tangles out and cut her hair shoulder length. Haven't seen it yet. She will be seeing her internist this Friday, so maybe we will get some answers.

I am going in for laser surgery on my left eye. Trying to get it to drain more so the pressure gets down to 13 or lower. Will have to miss orchestra. Appointment at 4 and if it is like the other time, my eye will be blurry for awhile.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day today.

Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 03:30 PM

Joe, I guess the good thing is you can adjust to a regular sleep schedule and always have the weekend off. This way you can make plans with your sister on the weekends. wink

I'll be off to class shortly and then in the corner to try and solve some puzzles. I had a migraine last night that made solving puzzles a bit of a challenge.

Have a wonderful day!

Ana wave
Posted By: auntiegram

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 04:15 PM

Aw Joe sorry about the shift change but it could be to your advantage in the long run. Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Sue sorry Tigger woke you so early. Hope you can get a nice nap in. Thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Gerry have a lovely day!

Connie HUGS!! thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

Gail I hope the rain has stopped and the sun shines today! Have a lovely day! We are still waiting to see if today is going to be Winter or Spring, in other words, will it be rain or snow that falls. lol

wave MaG!! Have a lovely day!

Bets sending prayers that all goes well with the eye surgery today! Prayers for Suies also that they can get to the bottom of her troubles and be on the mend. HUGS! Have a lovely day!

Darlene may all go smoothly today! Have a lovely day!

Ana enjoy class and prayers that the head be fine and the puzzles go easy peasy for you! Have a lovely day!

Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 04:18 PM

Nan, is spring showing up by you yet? Is it an Abbi day?
Off to class...head not behaving, it's the weather changes.
Posted By: manxman

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 04:31 PM

Good morning boomers. wave Hope everyone is enjoying their start to the weekend. It's positively balmy outside spring
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 05:08 PM

Magnificent Monday ya'll :labl:

I've been up for a bit, but in the kitchen busy. Once I post this, I'll head out to the store to get some lean beef to jerky for Seagy, and then I'll collate my tax paperwork, as that date is nigh. Then, hopefully, I'll get the doggy ones out for a walk, and then I'll come home and collapse. lol

luck Bets, I hope it works well for you. So glad Susie could get her hair cut and hope you all get answers asap.

Ana, I hope your head behaves soon. I know you are glad to have weather change, but sorry your head is being evil

Cailyn, I hope you get a great nap sleep

Back in a bit wave

edit: Ok, been to the store and back. Have dog jerky working....people jerky time to head to the park, and once back, get bread to rising. wave

Posted By: Yankee Clipper

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 07:14 PM

Hi all!!! It's about time to post

88 on Fri, then 81 and today in upper 80's again. Oh joy unspeakable. Everybody read my gecko post.

I'm going to make a biiig amazon order -gamesgames, peppermint oil to repel mice because lazy cats sure don't and perhaps a few pet toys. The're writing games for PS4 and some sound so good but are mostly pre order so to bad just wait and wait. Something to live for.

Everybody, keep in good health because it's going to be a great summer after this cold winter. My cousen in Niagara Falls had snow a few days ago. Wow

happy monday all
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 08:14 PM

Yankee, I heard the weatherman say the "s" word for the northern climes again this week.

Back from our walk. Almost too hot for the doggies, perfect for me. Off to make bread wave
Posted By: Space Quest Fan

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 08:26 PM

Good afternoon Boomers. wave
Posted By: flutist

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 08:41 PM

Appointment cancelled. Will try for next Monday. So it is off to orchestra tonight.
Posted By: my10rugrats

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 03/31/14 09:27 PM

afternoon everyone. well for once in this last year i am going to post good news post, hubby and i found out we are going to become great grandparents . yankee, we have been fighting mice here too, hubby is using the sticky baited ones hidden so the dogs can't find. am also using peppermint oil in some spots
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 04/01/14 02:14 AM

Congratulations, My thumbsup
Posted By: gymcandy1

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 04/01/14 02:35 AM

Hello everybody. I'm home and fed and showered. yay

Now I have a little relaxation before bed time. bravo

Today was a nice low 70s type day. It started out cloudy and then rained a bit (not near enough). smirk

Then it cleared off and got real nice. yes

Ana I don't have weekends off. I still work the same rotation I always work, but my week days are 10 to 7 only.

Weekends I still may open or close. thumbsup

Ok I'm off to start a nuther. wink

Sweet dreams everyone. wave

Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 04/01/14 02:40 AM

Oh, I thought you were working M-F 10-7. I got ya! We got to 60's today and I took the dogs for a long run and swim. Now it's raining.

I'm still stuck on two puzzle. Send snacks.....
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 04/01/14 03:25 AM

Ok, time for bed guys...sweet dreams all sleep
Posted By: auntiegram

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 04/01/14 05:39 AM

Ana hope you are unstuck by now!! We had Spring all day. Temp in the mid 30's and pouring rain. Tonight will be Winter I think. No Abbi today as this is her week with her dad.

Joe sounds like a lovely day there and I hope you enjoyed it.

Night L4l!!

My10 congrats on the being great gramma!!! It is fun!!

Bets sorry the surgery was canceled but glad you could go to orchestra tonight.

Well time to find my pillow. Night all sleep well and pleasant dreams!!

Posted By: joanie39

Re: Slurp & Burp Monday - 04/02/14 09:11 PM

Joe, you are just the very best! Thanks so much for those jokes and for sharing them with us. I can always count on you to cheer me up. It was great visiting with you all. I'm not able to be here near as much as I'd like to but I so enjoy it when I can. Thank you all. Love you guys.
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