Posted By: gymcandy1
The Day Before - 12/24/14 01:19 AM
I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
Agatha Christie (1890 - 1976)
~~~~~~~~~~~
How about some Christmas cheer and good will?
List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America
1. Constipated People Don't Give A sh...
2. That is so five minutes ago!!
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My A...
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
49. Ho Ho Hum
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
66. If you're planning on passing me, you should know my steering wheel just came off in my hands.
What? You want more??
Well ok
Ever stop to think...and forget to start again?
I are proud to be a college student
Conserve toilet paper...use both sides
Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin'
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain
Keep honking...I'm reloading
Don't steal....the government hates competition
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather,
not screaming and yelling like his passengers!
~~~~~~~~~~
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the
town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper
reporter paid them a visit.
He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to
our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we
took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's
mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."
"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and
my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."
"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a
third time."
My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the
beast, and shot the mule dead."
"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to
me and quietly said...that's once."
~~~~~~~~~`
Good morning Baby Boomers......and you young folk too.
One more early one for me and then some highly anticipated time off.
I was scheduled to close Christmas Eve, but I had mentioned to my ASM (more like bitterly complained), that I was always scheduled to close, EVERY YEAR, on Thanksgiving Eve, on Christmas Eve, and on New Years Eve, and what to my wondering eyes should appear, than an email telling me my new schedule was here. She changed me to open today instead of close.
I get off at 2:00 and I'm hopping on my sleigh and flying home.
For now though I've gotta go put out some milk and cookies.... ....for my breakfast.
Have a happy day everyone, and Merry Christmas Eve!
And Adam too I guess.
joe
Agatha Christie (1890 - 1976)
~~~~~~~~~~~
How about some Christmas cheer and good will?
List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America
1. Constipated People Don't Give A sh...
2. That is so five minutes ago!!
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My A...
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
49. Ho Ho Hum
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
66. If you're planning on passing me, you should know my steering wheel just came off in my hands.
What? You want more??
Well ok
Ever stop to think...and forget to start again?
I are proud to be a college student
Conserve toilet paper...use both sides
Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin'
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain
Keep honking...I'm reloading
Don't steal....the government hates competition
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather,
not screaming and yelling like his passengers!
~~~~~~~~~~
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the
town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper
reporter paid them a visit.
He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to
our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we
took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's
mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."
"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and
my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."
"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a
third time."
My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the
beast, and shot the mule dead."
"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to
me and quietly said...that's once."
~~~~~~~~~`
Good morning Baby Boomers......and you young folk too.
One more early one for me and then some highly anticipated time off.
I was scheduled to close Christmas Eve, but I had mentioned to my ASM (more like bitterly complained), that I was always scheduled to close, EVERY YEAR, on Thanksgiving Eve, on Christmas Eve, and on New Years Eve, and what to my wondering eyes should appear, than an email telling me my new schedule was here. She changed me to open today instead of close.
I get off at 2:00 and I'm hopping on my sleigh and flying home.
For now though I've gotta go put out some milk and cookies.... ....for my breakfast.
Have a happy day everyone, and Merry Christmas Eve!
And Adam too I guess.
joe