Thump Day

Posted By: gymcandy1

Thump Day - 04/09/15 05:53 AM

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.
~Stephen Fry

The opinions expressed in the jokes in the Diner are not those of the Diner management.

In other words, don't shoot the messenger.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.

Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications
major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off!

Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat."

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a [blip].

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Why do men die first

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries..But, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.

If you don't ... you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't ... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.

If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.

Good morning everyboomie.

There is a little voice inside my head telling me to get to!

Actually it's a big voice screaming "GO TO BED!!!"

Now I do not like being dictated too, but I'm not putting up much resistance, if any.

Going to bed just happens to be an idea I find very appealing.

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Posted By: Haroula

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 07:00 AM

Have a great day Joe and all who follow later. smile wave
Posted By: cailyn

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 11:03 AM

Good morning Joe,Haroula,and all who come by later waveI haven't been here for awhile missed you guys,coffee is ready wishing everyone a great day sherlock
Posted By: Kaki's Sister

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 11:43 AM

Good Morning Joe, Haroula, Sue and All. Joe have a good one. Haroula enjoy your day. Sue I was about to send you a PM. How are you? I hope all is well. Wishing everyone a peaceful day. wave
Posted By: connie

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 11:45 AM

Good morning everyone. Sue, it's good to see you in the Diner. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Thump Day. Danish, Muffins, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. spring
Posted By: Kaki's Sister

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 12:17 PM

H happy Day to you to Connie! wave
Posted By: GBC

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 12:50 PM

Good Morning Boomers: kitty

Joe, have a great one.

Haroula, happy day!

Sue, how are you doing? Thanks for the coffee.

Gerry, good day wishes.

Connie, have a great day.

Wishing everyone a wonderful day. Still waiting for Spring here. It's lightly snowing this morning. scared
Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 02:54 PM

Good morning all! Off to take hubby for a test at the hospital and then I declare a gaming day. Crazy stormy weather here, lots of hail.

Have a great day!

Ana wave
Posted By: Darlene

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 02:59 PM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and have a happy Thump Day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted By: gymcandy1

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 04:18 PM

Good morning everyboomie. wave

I'm fixing to be OTD....out the door, and of to work...OTW. rolleyes

I'm scheduled to get off at 7:00, and be back at work at 5:00am, so I'll be rushing to get to bed after I get home. slapforehead

I hope you all have a great day. yes

It seems like Saturday to me. headscratch

Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 06:16 PM

Thumping Good Thursday ya'll puppy

Daughter and I headed out as soon as I got up (she'd been up for hours...jetlag) to the park with the 4-legged monkeys. We had the place to ourselves and imitated hamsters til I was tired. We've reached that time of year that we Have to go early, else it's way too hot for the doggies.

Then home to shower, and feed, and eat. After that came figuring out how to print out proof of insurance cards so I can go get new tags this afternoon. As soon as I post, I'll head up and make smoothies so son can have something in his tummy before he heads out to work. Then out to do the errands. I have to do a little mad-scientisting this afternoon, and then I'm going to collapse. I think we'll forage for dinner. wave

Joe, I always find going to bed an attractive proposition. Hope you slept well.

Haroula wave

Cailyn, we've missed you too. Hugs

Gerry, how are you?

Connie, Bacon sandwiches thanks

Gail, hope Spring finds you soon.

Ana, hope hubby is fine and gaming is great!

Darlene, happy skooshing!
Posted By: my10rugrats

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 08:39 PM

sitting here with zero motivation and windy day. had some bad storms in kansas last night but where we live not a drop of rain. at least hubby watered but he had already planted in his garden for this year. now waiting for his tomatoes and peppers grown enough and it warms up enough to plant outside. can't see out my kitchen window with all his little pots sitting there, but had to put them there as the mice ate through a couple of his planters on the back porch. our cat back there is worthless for a mouser. thinking about finding a way to get hubby a little green house to start his seeds in. chickens are doing great depending on the day all 7 hens will lay. so we have had plenty of egg salad sandwiches and now i have started making my own breakfast burritos.
Posted By: auntiegram

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 08:57 PM

Hope that you all are having a lovely day! Been busy but a fun busy!

Ana pray that all is well with hubby and the test goes fine! Happy Gaming!!

Sue great to see you post again. Been missing you and hope that all is well!!

Have a lovely rest of the day all!

Posted By: Space Quest Fan

Re: Thump Day - 04/09/15 09:44 PM

Good afternoon Boomers. wave
Posted By: Sorta Blonde

Re: Thump Day - 04/10/15 01:57 AM

Saw my doctor today and had cortisone shots in both knees. Didn't hurt much. Feeling a bit better already on knee function but it takes a week for full relief. Doc took X-rays to see what's going on (last ones in 2011 with mild arthritis). Hopefully he won't find major bone on bone action or he says I might need a knee replacement. NOOOOO. Just the thought of foreign stuff in my body makes me queasy. I'm still not over the 'titanium clamps' that are in there from my gallbladder removal. It's like having alien technology embedded. Dunno why I feel that way, just do.

Also did 6 vials of blood for the vampire and he will test for everything under the sun. I encourage him to do that because it costs 30 bucks for a visit to the lab for 1 or a million procedures. He's very good on keeping costs down. X-ray was another 55 and office visit 15 for a total of 85 dollars. Ohhhhh. I'm so used to paying nothing (when I was working). Wish it were still that way.

Off to check to see if any of my tests are back.
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Thump Day - 04/10/15 02:06 AM

Dinner over. Son at work. Kitchen almost clean. Just waiting for those in the dishwasher to cool so I can swap em. Dogs fed. Life is good!
Posted By: Midge

Re: Thump Day - 04/10/15 03:43 AM

Stopping in to say hi and good night. It's been a very long day. See you in the morning. Night all.

Midgie hearts sleep
Posted By: auntiegram

Re: Thump Day - 04/10/15 04:44 AM

Night all!!!!

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