Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip and Surf Sunday - 12/20/15 05:52 AM
Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?
~ANONYMOUS~
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Spotted on Facebook…
Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?
Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.
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My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I don’t feel good. I’m going into screen saver mode.”
````````````````````````
While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry.
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A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund.
Client: You did my tattoo backward!
Tattoo artist: It’s backward?
Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!
````````````````````````````
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
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As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma Marie the same.”
``````````````````````
Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”
```````````````````````
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
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My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
````````````````````````
A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!”
````````````````````````
“Has your diet changed?” I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”
`````````````````````
Weirdest Craigslist Post Ever?
Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.
`````````````````````
Is Your Boss This Dumb?
While taking stock of our products, I read aloud the final numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his desk phone’s keypad.
```````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
How's everyone doing?
I'm sitting here trying to keep my legs from cramping. Seems my outings are making my legs crampier than ever.
I'd do it every day anyway if I kept finding points.
It's great. It's like Christmas in December.
I send Santa a 10 'point' request every night.
Have a happy day everybody.
joe
~ANONYMOUS~
`````````````````````````
Spotted on Facebook…
Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?
Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.
````````````````````````
My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I don’t feel good. I’m going into screen saver mode.”
````````````````````````
While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry.
````````````````````````
A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund.
Client: You did my tattoo backward!
Tattoo artist: It’s backward?
Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!
````````````````````````````
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
````````````````````````````
As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma Marie the same.”
``````````````````````
Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”
```````````````````````
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
````````````````````
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
````````````````````````
A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!”
````````````````````````
“Has your diet changed?” I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”
`````````````````````
Weirdest Craigslist Post Ever?
Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.
`````````````````````
Is Your Boss This Dumb?
While taking stock of our products, I read aloud the final numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his desk phone’s keypad.
```````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
How's everyone doing?
I'm sitting here trying to keep my legs from cramping. Seems my outings are making my legs crampier than ever.
I'd do it every day anyway if I kept finding points.
It's great. It's like Christmas in December.
I send Santa a 10 'point' request every night.
Have a happy day everybody.
joe
Then I have long days afterward, but the good news is, I have a three day weekend starting Friday. 
I wasn't sure if I would or not, so I'm very happy about that.
