Posted By: gymcandy1
Hump Day - 12/23/15 03:44 AM
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
—Jack Benny
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“Where’s Aunt Florence?”
After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly relative was missing. “Where’s Aunt Florence?” she asked.
From across the room came a masculine drawl, “Oh, she’s with the kids, bridging the generation gap.”
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Tollbooth Timer
I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner. Then came the stumper. “If my friend just left from exit twelve,” she asked, “what time should I put the turkey in?”
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Guest Relations
Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence.
“Please don’t worry about me,” she said. “I was brought up in a family too.”
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Holiday Heavyweights
The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to the checker. “How can you stay so pleasant?”
“We can all count our blessings,” the clerk replied. “The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn’t come in July.”
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Well, That's a Creative Answer…
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.”
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Like Flower, Like Bud
As I entered the elevator at our hospital, a disheveled- looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations.
I smiled knowingly and asked, “Does he look like you?”
“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”
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Incumbent Imbecile
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
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A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.
“Can you describe it?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”
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Start With a 5K…
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k).
“I’m considering it,” replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
“I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well it's been a very long time since I've gotten up early to go to a restaurant to have breakfast with a friend. It was in St Louis in fact over 7 years ago. Where does the time go?
My friend in St Louis was a whole lot prettier too.
So I'm meeting my friend Bill at IHOP at 8:00.
After that I just might go to the creek with Baby.
She's going and she invited me to go along with her.
I'm so popular......
Never mind that, my day started at 3:00am this morning, and when I got up out of bed my get up and go stayed in the bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
—Jack Benny
````````````````````````````````````
“Where’s Aunt Florence?”
After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly relative was missing. “Where’s Aunt Florence?” she asked.
From across the room came a masculine drawl, “Oh, she’s with the kids, bridging the generation gap.”
````````````````````````
Tollbooth Timer
I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner. Then came the stumper. “If my friend just left from exit twelve,” she asked, “what time should I put the turkey in?”
```````````````````````
Guest Relations
Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence.
“Please don’t worry about me,” she said. “I was brought up in a family too.”
````````````````````````````
Holiday Heavyweights
The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to the checker. “How can you stay so pleasant?”
“We can all count our blessings,” the clerk replied. “The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn’t come in July.”
``````````````````````
Well, That's a Creative Answer…
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.”
``````````````````````````
Like Flower, Like Bud
As I entered the elevator at our hospital, a disheveled- looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations.
I smiled knowingly and asked, “Does he look like you?”
“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”
```````````````````````
Incumbent Imbecile
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
`````````````````````````````
A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.
“Can you describe it?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”
````````````````````````````
Start With a 5K…
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k).
“I’m considering it,” replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
“I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!”
```````````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well it's been a very long time since I've gotten up early to go to a restaurant to have breakfast with a friend. It was in St Louis in fact over 7 years ago. Where does the time go?
My friend in St Louis was a whole lot prettier too.
So I'm meeting my friend Bill at IHOP at 8:00.
After that I just might go to the creek with Baby.
She's going and she invited me to go along with her.
I'm so popular......
Never mind that, my day started at 3:00am this morning, and when I got up out of bed my get up and go stayed in the bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ and everyone. Joe Have a fun day! Ana it is hard to believe Christmas is almost here. It is going to be in the 60s here today! Not Christmas weather! 
SpaceQ have a great day too. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a wonderful day! 
L4L, Birthday Cupcakes in the NC. Nan, prayers for son-in-law, and Hugs for all the family. 
To all here and all who follow, have a Terrific Hump Day. Danish, BB Pancakes, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. 
