Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 02/19/16 01:04 AM
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld
`````````````````````
I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me.
“Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said.
“Hi, Eddie,” she replied.
“So you do remember me?” I asked.
“Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.”
`````````````````````
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?"
````````````````````````
My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”
`````````````````````````
We were stocking up on green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl helping us for 15 pounds’ worth.
“I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.”
```````````````````````````
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”
````````````````````````````````````````````
Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
[Two weeks later …]
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
``````````````````````````
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
``````````````````````````
We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.
“It won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”
````````````````````````
Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
````````````````````````
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
```````````````````````````
We’ve been over this before: Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these job seekers had gotten the memo.
• Applicant acted out a Star Trek role.
• Applicant asked for a hug.
• Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits.
• Applicant crashed her car into the building.
`````````````````````````````
It’s important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from past gaffes:
• “I was cold” is not a sufficient reason for being caught in the female barracks.
• Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
• Do not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone.
• Do not attempt to shave with fire.
• Do not use 27 packs of sticky notes to label everything in the barracks so the general won’t have any questions during the inspection.
`````````````````````
On Facebook, the English language has few friends. Three examples:
Post: I can’t stand people that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb.
Response: Their, their, calm down.
Post: Is it me or does nobody have manors these days?
Response: I just have a normal house.
Post: I do not have patients for stupid today.
Response: Patience.
`````````````````````````````
Events had left my son-in- law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our two-year-old grandson was nearby to dispense words of wisdom. “Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes batteries die and toys break.”
````````````````````
While serving jury duty, I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one point, he picked up a piece of evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see an acronym on this receipt. What would CAR stand for?”
The defendant replied, “Car.”
```````````````````````
The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.”
We’ll skip over the details and go straight to the signature: “Love, Constipated-Dog Owner."
```````````````````````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope the new day finds you all happy and healthy.
I had a super Spring-like Thursday.
I took Baby this morning and headed East out of town desperately seeking new head hunting grounds.
There is a spot about half way to Soper, that is beside the Blue River, where the owner plants peanuts every year. Shane and I were always commenting about how we would love to walk that field after it been plowed up to see if native Americans had camped there by the river. Today I drove down close to the river and got out to look over the river, and a red truck pulled up behind me. I went and introduced myself and asked if it was his property. It was. I told him I was out looking for places I could hunt arrowheads, and he told me the peanut field was his, and that I could walk that field if I want to, and that lots of arrowheads have been found there.
He has just recently plowed the field, and I didn't waste much time getting over there to start looking. I didn't find anything but a few chips, and some pieces of broken points. He had just put in a little quick stop and gas station, and right behind it a 5 acre lake. I walked around the lake and found flint everywhere, but no points.
I did find a nice blade, and I asked the man if I can come back again. He said yes, and that I should come back after a good rain, which is what I had in mind. He said that's when things get washed up.
We're due some good rain on Sunday, and again Tuesday.
Pray for a VERY heavy rain ok?
It's been over a week, but I have a 5:00 start at work Friday, so I've gotta go get ready for bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
—Jerry Seinfeld
`````````````````````
I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me.
“Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said.
“Hi, Eddie,” she replied.
“So you do remember me?” I asked.
“Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.”
`````````````````````
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?"
````````````````````````
My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”
`````````````````````````
We were stocking up on green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl helping us for 15 pounds’ worth.
“I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.”
```````````````````````````
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”
````````````````````````````````````````````
Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
[Two weeks later …]
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
``````````````````````````
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
``````````````````````````
We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.
“It won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”
````````````````````````
Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
````````````````````````
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
```````````````````````````
We’ve been over this before: Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these job seekers had gotten the memo.
• Applicant acted out a Star Trek role.
• Applicant asked for a hug.
• Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits.
• Applicant crashed her car into the building.
`````````````````````````````
It’s important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from past gaffes:
• “I was cold” is not a sufficient reason for being caught in the female barracks.
• Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
• Do not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone.
• Do not attempt to shave with fire.
• Do not use 27 packs of sticky notes to label everything in the barracks so the general won’t have any questions during the inspection.
`````````````````````
On Facebook, the English language has few friends. Three examples:
Post: I can’t stand people that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb.
Response: Their, their, calm down.
Post: Is it me or does nobody have manors these days?
Response: I just have a normal house.
Post: I do not have patients for stupid today.
Response: Patience.
`````````````````````````````
Events had left my son-in- law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our two-year-old grandson was nearby to dispense words of wisdom. “Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes batteries die and toys break.”
````````````````````
While serving jury duty, I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one point, he picked up a piece of evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see an acronym on this receipt. What would CAR stand for?”
The defendant replied, “Car.”
```````````````````````
The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.”
We’ll skip over the details and go straight to the signature: “Love, Constipated-Dog Owner."
```````````````````````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope the new day finds you all happy and healthy.
I had a super Spring-like Thursday.
I took Baby this morning and headed East out of town desperately seeking new head hunting grounds.
There is a spot about half way to Soper, that is beside the Blue River, where the owner plants peanuts every year. Shane and I were always commenting about how we would love to walk that field after it been plowed up to see if native Americans had camped there by the river. Today I drove down close to the river and got out to look over the river, and a red truck pulled up behind me. I went and introduced myself and asked if it was his property. It was. I told him I was out looking for places I could hunt arrowheads, and he told me the peanut field was his, and that I could walk that field if I want to, and that lots of arrowheads have been found there.
He has just recently plowed the field, and I didn't waste much time getting over there to start looking. I didn't find anything but a few chips, and some pieces of broken points. He had just put in a little quick stop and gas station, and right behind it a 5 acre lake. I walked around the lake and found flint everywhere, but no points.
I did find a nice blade, and I asked the man if I can come back again. He said yes, and that I should come back after a good rain, which is what I had in mind. He said that's when things get washed up.
We're due some good rain on Sunday, and again Tuesday.
Pray for a VERY heavy rain ok?
It's been over a week, but I have a 5:00 start at work Friday, so I've gotta go get ready for bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Joe will pray for heavy rain for you!!The weather here has been a little 
I'll get the coffee going,wishing you all a great day!! 
Ana enjoy! 
. Sue great to see you in the diner again. You've been missed. 
