Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday - 04/10/17 02:33 AM
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
CONAN O’BRIEN
`````````````````
One early morning, Oscar’s wife died after a long illness. Oscar called for an ambulance from the funeral service. He said: “My wife is no more. She died this morning.”
The operator said, “I am sorry to hear that. I will arrange to send an ambulance right away. And what is the name of the street, sir?”
Oscar replied, “It’s Chincholi Bunder Road.”
The Operator asked: “Err….. will you spell it for me, sir? “
Oscar replied, “No I will just haul her down to your place.”
````````````````````````
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’… es feminina.”
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens… you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
``````````
The things that we have learnt from the popular series Baywatch:
1. The favorite pass-time in the US is running on the beach in slow-mo.
2. US citizens almost drown twice an hour.
3. In spite of the above tendency, CPR almost always helps and there are never any deaths.
4. If you are American, you are likely to introspect looking at the ocean for a long time after being told anything of significance.
5. Fat guys can't be relied on and are always scheming.
6. American girls have enormous assets that are given prominence with close-ups for long lasting screen shots.
7. In CA, there is greater probability of one getting kidnapped by jewellery robbers or by terrorists than drown.
8. All lifeguards who claim to be underprivileged, own flashy sports cars and beach homes.
``````````````
Jerry Pinto, the lawyer pays a visit to his client on death row, and says to him, "I have some good news for you, George."
George, the client says, "What good news can there possibly be? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!"
Jerry Pinto, the lawyer says, "Yes, but I got the voltage reduced."
````````````````````
Doctor to Lena: “Madam, your husband is really critical. See that he remains in a good mood. Don’t make demands that trouble him, don’t discuss your problems, if any, with him. If you continue to follow all these instructions along with good homemade food, he is likely to survive.”
When Lena reached home, Ollie asked: “What was the report? What did the doctor say?”
Lena: “I am afraid my love that there is little chance for your survival.”
`````````````
Mike and his wife Dara were walking across Southsea Common one Sunday afternoon. In the bandstand the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune, and Dara said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is."
Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see."
A while later Mike returned and said to Dara, "It's one I don't know, it's called 'The Refrain from Spitting'."
```````````````````
Here are some amazing examples of lawyers cross-questioning in court.
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning was he dead?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
``````````````
The town's bank manager called the police station to report a robbery.
'You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my bank, the doors opened. Out comes these robbers and they lead an elephant out of the truck. The elephant then breaks through my plate glass window, sticks his trunk in, sucks up all the money. Then the gang lead the elephant back into the truck. The robbers close the truck doors and the truck pulled away.'
The desk sergeant said, 'Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an African elephant or an Indian elephant?'
'How can you tell the difference?' asked the bank manager.
'Well,' said the sergeant, 'The African elephant has great big ears whereas the Indian elephant has little ears. So which kind of elephant was used in the robbery?'
'How should I know? I couldn't see his ears,' said the bank manager. 'He had a stocking over his head.'
````````````````
Husband returned from office and wife drew a breath of relief: “Thank lord. Good that you are safe and sound.”
Husband: “Why, what’s wrong?”
Wife: “A few persons were talking near our window that a dumb looking man got crushed under a car.”
Was that a 'dumb joke'?
`````````````
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside a pub when he saw two lads walking by so he stops them and asks, "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!"
"Why?" says the youth, "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!"
```````````````
Hilarious Book Titles
1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself (A book for woodworkers)
2) Knitting with Dog Hair
3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw
4) Drying Flowers With A Microwave
5) Nuclear War: What's In It For You?
6) How Green were the Nazis?
7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them
8) How to Avoid Huge Ships
9) Bomb Proof Your House
10)Waterproofing Your Child
`````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Monday! They're going to have to come up with new names for week days. These 7 are getting tiresome.
I hope you all had a weekend. Otherwise why would they call them that.
I got up Sunday morning, and everything after that was a blur.
I did some exercising, took the dogs to the park, carted a bunch of junk out to the street, then beat feet back inside where it was cool.
I think it's time to hibernate now until about mid November.
Not ready for Summer, sorry.
I expect to be called in to Lowe's in the morning to interview and take the drug test. Jason, the manager was on vacation all last week.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
CONAN O’BRIEN
`````````````````
One early morning, Oscar’s wife died after a long illness. Oscar called for an ambulance from the funeral service. He said: “My wife is no more. She died this morning.”
The operator said, “I am sorry to hear that. I will arrange to send an ambulance right away. And what is the name of the street, sir?”
Oscar replied, “It’s Chincholi Bunder Road.”
The Operator asked: “Err….. will you spell it for me, sir? “
Oscar replied, “No I will just haul her down to your place.”
````````````````````````
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’… es feminina.”
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens… you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
``````````
The things that we have learnt from the popular series Baywatch:
1. The favorite pass-time in the US is running on the beach in slow-mo.
2. US citizens almost drown twice an hour.
3. In spite of the above tendency, CPR almost always helps and there are never any deaths.
4. If you are American, you are likely to introspect looking at the ocean for a long time after being told anything of significance.
5. Fat guys can't be relied on and are always scheming.
6. American girls have enormous assets that are given prominence with close-ups for long lasting screen shots.
7. In CA, there is greater probability of one getting kidnapped by jewellery robbers or by terrorists than drown.
8. All lifeguards who claim to be underprivileged, own flashy sports cars and beach homes.
``````````````
Jerry Pinto, the lawyer pays a visit to his client on death row, and says to him, "I have some good news for you, George."
George, the client says, "What good news can there possibly be? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!"
Jerry Pinto, the lawyer says, "Yes, but I got the voltage reduced."
````````````````````
Doctor to Lena: “Madam, your husband is really critical. See that he remains in a good mood. Don’t make demands that trouble him, don’t discuss your problems, if any, with him. If you continue to follow all these instructions along with good homemade food, he is likely to survive.”
When Lena reached home, Ollie asked: “What was the report? What did the doctor say?”
Lena: “I am afraid my love that there is little chance for your survival.”
`````````````
Mike and his wife Dara were walking across Southsea Common one Sunday afternoon. In the bandstand the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune, and Dara said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is."
Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see."
A while later Mike returned and said to Dara, "It's one I don't know, it's called 'The Refrain from Spitting'."
```````````````````
Here are some amazing examples of lawyers cross-questioning in court.
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning was he dead?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
``````````````
The town's bank manager called the police station to report a robbery.
'You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my bank, the doors opened. Out comes these robbers and they lead an elephant out of the truck. The elephant then breaks through my plate glass window, sticks his trunk in, sucks up all the money. Then the gang lead the elephant back into the truck. The robbers close the truck doors and the truck pulled away.'
The desk sergeant said, 'Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an African elephant or an Indian elephant?'
'How can you tell the difference?' asked the bank manager.
'Well,' said the sergeant, 'The African elephant has great big ears whereas the Indian elephant has little ears. So which kind of elephant was used in the robbery?'
'How should I know? I couldn't see his ears,' said the bank manager. 'He had a stocking over his head.'
````````````````
Husband returned from office and wife drew a breath of relief: “Thank lord. Good that you are safe and sound.”
Husband: “Why, what’s wrong?”
Wife: “A few persons were talking near our window that a dumb looking man got crushed under a car.”
Was that a 'dumb joke'?
`````````````
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside a pub when he saw two lads walking by so he stops them and asks, "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!"
"Why?" says the youth, "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!"
```````````````
Hilarious Book Titles
1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself (A book for woodworkers)
2) Knitting with Dog Hair
3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw
4) Drying Flowers With A Microwave
5) Nuclear War: What's In It For You?
6) How Green were the Nazis?
7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them
8) How to Avoid Huge Ships
9) Bomb Proof Your House
10)Waterproofing Your Child
`````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Monday! They're going to have to come up with new names for week days. These 7 are getting tiresome.
I hope you all had a weekend. Otherwise why would they call them that.
I got up Sunday morning, and everything after that was a blur.
I did some exercising, took the dogs to the park, carted a bunch of junk out to the street, then beat feet back inside where it was cool.
I think it's time to hibernate now until about mid November.
Not ready for Summer, sorry.
I expect to be called in to Lowe's in the morning to interview and take the drug test. Jason, the manager was on vacation all last week.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Karen and everyone. Joe good luck with the Job! Ana the pictures are amazing! Karen hope you had a great Birthday! 
