Happy Hump Day

Posted By: gymcandy1

Happy Hump Day - 01/31/18 01:35 AM

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.


My wife and her friend were out to lunch when the temperature drastically dropped. They stood by her friend’s truck, shivering, while the friend searched for a key to unlock the door. My wife asked, “Can’t we sit in the truck while you find your keys?”

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day:

• A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail carrier.

• A woman said her son was 
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.

• A resident said someone had 
entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered 
his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.

• A man reported that a squirrel 
was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An 
officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.


Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”

“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”

“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”


While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”


Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.

Me: You mean … the period?

Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.


When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.


The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from

• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas

• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes

• Had a new guy conduct a 
“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it

• Ordered a private to bring back 
a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)


An insurance agent called 
our medical office. One of our 
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form 
for a patient, but, the agent said, the 
patient had altered it. The giveaway? 
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30. Thirty days longer than the doctor specified.


Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley 
Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”


Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

“Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked.

I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”


A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”


A first-grade teacher can’t 
believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”

“Then I’d be a football fan.”


Good morning everyboomie. hamster

Hump Day already? wink

We're going up to 71 degrees today, so I'm looking forward to a super day. No plans except going to Walmart. happydance

Soot, and Ana the Grammys were so so. I don't enjoy the music that's being produced now as much as my generations music, so I could have skipped watching it and got as much enjoyment out of it. razz

That's all I should say. Anymore will get me in serious trouble. rolleyes

I'm getting ready to watch Curse of Oak Island. I'm waiting for them to find buried treasure, or the Ark of the Covenant or something. yes

Have a happy day everyone. thumbsup

Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Happy Hump Day - 01/31/18 02:26 AM

Joe, 71 degrees sounds delightful! It's not even 71 degrees in my house! lol The week is flying by!

I have a unusually light day today. I can use one of those, so I'm not complaining!

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave
Posted By: venus

Re: Happy Hump Day - 01/31/18 05:59 AM

Hope you enjoy your show more than you enjoyed the Grammys, Joe. smile

Ana, I have an unusually heavy day coming up, so I'm jealous. lol Enjoy the lighter day!

It's Tuesday night, and I'm off to sleep. I have a long work day ahead of me, so I want to be more well rested than I was today. lol

Have a great Wednesday, everyone. winter
Posted By: Kaki's Sister

Re: Happy Hump Day - 01/31/18 12:10 PM

Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and everyone. Joe right now my temperature is 17 degrees - yours in reverse!! Ana it's colder in my house too! Venus I hope your day flies by! Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready. Gail I love my coffee to start my day too.

Did anyone get to see the eclipse? The super full moon was so bright last night I could see far into the woods behind our home. We live in the country so no street light. It was so incredibly bright I could have gone for a walk at 2AM!

dance Hope everyone has a wonderful day! dance
Posted By: GBC

Re: Happy Hump Day - 01/31/18 12:40 PM

Good Morning Boomers penguin

Joe, enjoy your weather. It's cold here.

Ana, have a great day ahead.

Venus, don't work too hard today.

Gerry, coffee sounds great this morning.

Not sure what the day will bring today. Just hanging around at home. puppy
Posted By: connie

Re: Happy Hump Day - 01/31/18 01:25 PM

Good morning everyone, have a Super TGIF. Joe, I agree with you about the music. Queen of Hearts at the Eagles tonight. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Bacon, and French Toast in the NC. kitty
Posted By: Sorta Blonde

Re: Happy Hump Day - 01/31/18 05:08 PM

I woke up in the early AM to see the Blood Moon. Lovely reddish, partially eclipsed. So pretty.
Posted By: venus

Re: Happy Hump Day - 02/01/18 05:31 AM

Good night, everyone. sleep
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