Posted By: gymcandy1
Joe's Monday Moaning - 03/24/19 11:29 PM
For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.
~Allan Sherman~
`````````````````````````
When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature.
Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.”
````
While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room.
“I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.”
````
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”
````
My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over.
“Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour.”
“Impossible,” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!”
````
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!”
````
Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?
Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.
Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause … ] OK … [huff … puff] I have it. It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.
````
First woman: Look at me—I have a muffin top.
Second woman: You’re complaining? I have the whole muffin!
````
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
````
I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall.
“How did the NSA miss that?” my 21-year-old asked.
“I told you guys,” said my 17-year-old. “No one uses Facebook anymore.”
````
Who wouldn’t be inspired to hire this young man? If his cover letter is to be believed, he’s eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague:
“I am a motivated, self-igniting person.”
````
Scene: The office
Me: We have to submit a form to every state.
Coworker: All 51?
Me: Fifty-one?
Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good at geometry.
````
Scene: office cafeteria line
Friend: May I have pepper and salt?
(Counter guy looks confused.)
Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt?
(Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.)
Friend: No! Not that pepper. The pepper and salt …
Me: You know, like you shake it on?
(Coworker looks over.)
Coworker: Dude! She means the salt and pepper!
Counter guy: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that?
````
After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.”
````
Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?
````
There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I said, “We’re going to need a new company sign out front.”
A colleague said, “We don’t need a new sign; we need a blackboard.”
````
As a flight attendant, I wear a watch with two faces: one set for the time in our departure city, and the other set for our destination city. One day, a passenger asked me for the time. Looking at my watch, I told her, “It’s 9:41 in Chicago and 5:41 in Honolulu.”
Intrigued, she asked, “Is the watch available for other cities?”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
Monday morning coming down don't look so good from where I'm sitting.
I was totally into the weekend.
Sunday was so nice, I thought about driving out to the sod farm, but then I remembered I just washed my ruby red truck, and I'm just not ready to mess it up again.
Besides that my friend was bringing Beau over. Couldn't make it Saturday.
I took Missy parking, and then started looking around for something to piddle with.
Gotta try and keep inspiring Ana. I'm not running out of stuff to do Ana, I'm just running out of bank balance.
I ended up starting on the storage shed. I wire brushed the door and frame, and then started painting again.
I repainted the white 2 coats, and then I decided to add some color to it.
It's on going.
We got up to 75 degrees here y'all. Gerry I hope your snow melts off fast.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Allan Sherman~
`````````````````````````
When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature.
Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.”
````
While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room.
“I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.”
````
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”
````
My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over.
“Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour.”
“Impossible,” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!”
````
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!”
````
Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?
Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.
Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause … ] OK … [huff … puff] I have it. It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.
````
First woman: Look at me—I have a muffin top.
Second woman: You’re complaining? I have the whole muffin!
````
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
````
I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall.
“How did the NSA miss that?” my 21-year-old asked.
“I told you guys,” said my 17-year-old. “No one uses Facebook anymore.”
````
Who wouldn’t be inspired to hire this young man? If his cover letter is to be believed, he’s eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague:
“I am a motivated, self-igniting person.”
````
Scene: The office
Me: We have to submit a form to every state.
Coworker: All 51?
Me: Fifty-one?
Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good at geometry.
````
Scene: office cafeteria line
Friend: May I have pepper and salt?
(Counter guy looks confused.)
Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt?
(Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.)
Friend: No! Not that pepper. The pepper and salt …
Me: You know, like you shake it on?
(Coworker looks over.)
Coworker: Dude! She means the salt and pepper!
Counter guy: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that?
````
After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.”
````
Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?
````
There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I said, “We’re going to need a new company sign out front.”
A colleague said, “We don’t need a new sign; we need a blackboard.”
````
As a flight attendant, I wear a watch with two faces: one set for the time in our departure city, and the other set for our destination city. One day, a passenger asked me for the time. Looking at my watch, I told her, “It’s 9:41 in Chicago and 5:41 in Honolulu.”
Intrigued, she asked, “Is the watch available for other cities?”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
Monday morning coming down don't look so good from where I'm sitting.
I was totally into the weekend.
Sunday was so nice, I thought about driving out to the sod farm, but then I remembered I just washed my ruby red truck, and I'm just not ready to mess it up again.
Besides that my friend was bringing Beau over. Couldn't make it Saturday.
I took Missy parking, and then started looking around for something to piddle with.
Gotta try and keep inspiring Ana. I'm not running out of stuff to do Ana, I'm just running out of bank balance.
I ended up starting on the storage shed. I wire brushed the door and frame, and then started painting again.
I repainted the white 2 coats, and then I decided to add some color to it.
It's on going.
We got up to 75 degrees here y'all. Gerry I hope your snow melts off fast.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
